You'll Be in My Heart...

2009 has NOT been my year.

Anyone that knows me can attest to that.

It started ok...

It did...

Everyone was in place, just as they should have been...

The promise of relationships deepening was in the air...

Love abounded around me, and, as ever, I was in awe.

I coasted on that feeling, but as someone very wise told me, just today even, "When the seas are calm are when you need to be worrying. Complacency is your enemy."

May brought new worries, but nothing life-threatening.

My dad's health had taken a turn that needed addressing, and although that was hard, my family overcame.

The one thing I thought I couldn't make it through, life proved to me I could.

I could adjust what I could control, but it was those that I couldn't control that, by mid-year, had me concerned...

As, you all know, what I couldn't control is what got me.

July brought changes to me like I never knew could change me...

As I faced uncharted water, I began to realize what I was really made of...

Steel.

Many, many times, I thought I was broken...

But my spirit sucker-punched me and made me realize I was NOT broken, and quite likely, I was UNBREAKABLE...

And, people, about July, as hard as it was to face, was when life opened itself up to me and I was finally able to burst out of the cocoon I had built around the walls of my heart and actually LIVE...

And, don't get me wrong...

Part of me died in July, and that part is never coming back...

It lives only in my heart, and to be honest, in my heart is where it needs to live...

That part of my heart is the one part that cannot EVER be tarnished...

It will forever be living...

It will forever be innocent...

It will forever be young.

Forever.

That part of my heart is my bright spot...

Where I go when I need to KNOW I'm ok...

Believe it or not, that one memory keeps me on track.

Forever.

I love you, buddy. Now and then and always...

I love you.

You'll be in my heart.

And, as we know it, with each loss comes new life...

When it seemed my heart was dead, a bud began to grow...

That bud grew into a tree...

Through death, life began to transform...

Old heartbreaks were healed...

New friendships were formed...

And, bonds that should have never been formed were broken...

All leading me to my today.

I don't know what it is about the promise of a new year that excites me...

ANYTHING is possible.

Anything.

For me AND for you...

Today, I talked to an old friend...

I really adore him...

I've never told him that, but I think he knows it.

He told me, "You changed me."

A bigger honor I cannot imagine ever receiving.

Hey, you, you're in my heart, too.

We had a rough road, but you never left my heart.

And, you live there still.

I face 2010 with the knowledge that this will be a year of loss for me...

My dad is fading fast...

And, as much as it hurts me, I'm ready.

Not for me, but for him.

He's ready.

To keep him here, to me, seems cruel.

I love you, PawPaw...

"About yay-big and around and around and around..."

You've always loved me and for no reason...

I've loved you because you've been my dad.

You've been my constant champion and righter of all my wrongs...

For no other reason but that you loved me, too.

I will let you go in love and peace.

I will let you go with honor.

You will, without doubt, forever be in my heart.

Then, now and always...

You will live in my heart.

When you are tired, it's ok...

I want you to rest.

We'll be fine.

I promise you, I won't let us fall apart...

It's ok.

Just rest.

I love you.

It will be hard to let you go, but it's harder for me to watch you suffer.

When that challenge arises, I will be ready to face it.

You see, I can DO this thing called life...

Try as it may, it cannot break me.

I will always overcome.

Not because I am special, but because of my friends.

Each of you...

I carry you...

Right here...

In my heart.

You will always be in my heart.

We will do this thing together.

Forever.

Just look over your shoulder...

I'll be there.

You'll be in my heart.

Silent Night...

By this time on Christmas Day, most of us are home, our obligations met and the stress of the last few weeks are gone.

My own children left around 9 this morning to spend the rest of the holiday with their dad.

I've been to see my parents and my family, and now, I sit in the darkened living room, illuminated by the 50 lights adhered to my 4-foot tree that mysteriously decided to work today.

Peace is with me.

Peach and stillness, and yet, I still dream of Christmases years ago...

My heart, today of all days, longs for them.

My body is here at home, but my heart is within a white, wood-frame house in the town of Greenwood, Louisiana...

Where my cousin, my sister and I will sleep in my grandparent's office.

My cousin, Gary, will, no doubt, sleep on the gold sleeper sofa in the dining room, right there beside the warmest of all heaters ever known.

In the morning, I will, without fail, be the first of the children to awake, and I'll stumble down the hall to find my dad, my MeeMee and my Aunt JoAnn sipping coffee.

I'll stand in front of that space heater, and as I listen to them visit, I will sincerely believe I've never been so warm or safe in all of my life.

And, I'll look over at Gary sleeping and WANT to pull some mischief on him...

I could do all I wanted.

He'd never wake up.

It will never occur to me that Santa always comes to my house a day earlier that he does with all my friends.

It will never occur to me that Santa, with all his Christmas "know how" could find me at my MeeMee's just as easily as he could find me at my own house.

It will never occur to me that one day, 30 some-odd years later, I'll look back on these Christmases and tears will come to my eyes.

It will never occur to me that my life will change more quickly than I am willing and that, one day, I'll be a mother with two children of my own and that this most spectacular time of year will lose its magic...

Until, 30 some-odd years later, and I look back.

Somehow, Christmases spent there meant it was actually CHRISTMAS.

Perhaps it was because I was a child...

Perhaps it was because my grandparents were there...

Perhaps, because, back then, people slowed down a little more...

I don't know the answer to that question.

I just know that as each year passes, I seem to be missing one person that was with me last year.

Just as I know that each year, I've gained at least one more than I had the previous year.

And, friends, such is the beauty and the mystery that is life...

We never know what we really have until it's gone...

And, we never fully appreciate what's coming until we've experienced loss.

But, today, this one day of the year, NOTHING can touch us.

But for today, we are held only by ourselves and what is within.

Just for this one day, we are only reflecting on what lies just beneath our surface.

The outside world is still.

The outside world is calm.

The outside world will give us a Silent Night.

Wild Horses....

God, how I miss you today.

Your birthday was last week...

I guess.

If you told me right.

Today, I'm remembering talking to you as I prepared my Christmas Eve dinner.

Remember that?

I put you on speaker and the kids talked with you, too.

The phone sat on the bar and we all visited, as if you were there in the flesh.

Those two loved you, friend...

You were their cool uncle...

Who told them dirty jokes and IMMEDIATELY took them back...

Because "Mama" was watching...

And wasn't too happy about it.

Kelsie will always remember her name as "Smuckers?"...

Geez, man.

It's hard.

I loved you.

I love you still.

I haven't cried in a long time, but today, I find myself in tears.

Oh my God, how I loved you.

It will never stop.

I will love you always.

My friend;

My confidant;

My brother.

I cry for your family...

I cry for your friends...

I cry for the world...

All cheated out of: you.

Selfishly, most times, I cry for: me.

I miss you, buddy.

Everyday, I miss you.

Not a second goes by that I don't think of you...

Hurt for you...

Long to hear your voice.

Are you happy?

Did you find what you were looking for?

Are you at rest?

Do you awake in the morning to find...peace?

If it is all that you needed, then I abstain...

From all grief...

From all tears...

From all sadness.

You, my friend, YOU...

Are all that matters.

I love you.

You know that, right?

Today, more than ever, I miss you.

It will take wild horses...

To drag me away.

You always knew you didn't have much time.

You always knew you had to unite while you could.

Make hay while the sun's shining, right?

You made hay, buddy...

Never you worry.

All these beautiful people you brought to me...

To D...

I don't know how the two of us would have made it without them.

You just know that we, your two unofficial "sisters"...

Would need wild horses...

To drag us away.

We love you.

We always have.

We always will.

Wild horses, dude.

Wild freakin' horses.

Sweet Music Man...

I watched on the sidelines as he and his friend began their "show".

One "fighting" the other for his "spot" on the street.

The one pictured, at long last, "won" the argument, and the other went on his way.

My friend looked at him as the "fight" began and commented, "There's no way that guy is about to play an instrument."

We wandered on into the store we were walking to, the men outside a distant memory.

Somewhere between the handmade masks, I realized the most beautiful guitar music I'd ever heard had begun just outside the door.

I walked to it and peered outside to see the most humbling sight I had seen since entering the French Quarter...

No doubt, he was homeless...

No doubt, he was poor...

But, he had friends...

Friends that were willing to cause a ruckus to help him get started.

And, get started, he did.

My friend was entranced with peacock feathers and Mardi Gras masks and wanting my help in choosing just the right mask.

As much as I wanted to help him, to me, the REAL show was going on just outside the door.

Although the sun was shining, it was cold.

I couldn't help but wonder where he would sleep tonight.

Did he have food?

Did he have shelter?

And, lastly, did he have family?

I took a dollar from my purse and walked down the street to where he was.

I bent beside him and dropped the dollar in.

He looked at me and I looked at him.

In the most sincere tone I'd heard in weeks, he told me, "God bless you."

I smiled at him.

"God bless you, too, friend. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, friend," he replied back.

I wondered how long it had been since he realized he TRULY had a friend?

I could only hope he realized it that very second.

I could see his friends, on the street...

Watching him.

His friends BELIEVED in him.

The rest of the world may not, but those few that stood around BELIEVED.

I did, too.

Even now, I still believe.

To the world, he may be a homeless guy on the street pan-handling for a dollar with his guitar...

But, to his friends...

And, to me...

He was a PERFORMER.

Earning an HONEST living.

Making people, like me, if only for that second, smile.

Yes.

Sing your song, sweet music man...

Sing on and on and on.

An Old Violin...

“It is a time when one's spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death.” ~ Mark Twain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe I sincerely am more tired than I have ever been in my life.

The exhaustion is complete: mental; physical; and emotional.

I have been on auto-pilot for the last week, completing the bare minimum of all tasks to sustain the existence of those in my household.

I'm not complaining.

I'm simply stating fact.

I remember awaking on Saturday and the overwhelming sense of loneliness that enveloped me...

For the first time in years, I actually missed being married.

I remember the thought, "If I was married, I could roll over in this bed to my husband who would understand."

I could have found comfort there.

Saturday morning, there was no sanctuary.

There was a simple clock that ticked and tocked, reminding me that I had somewhere to be.

There was no understanding...

There was no comforting...

There was no affirmation.

Only the sound of the clock.

No one cared that I was tired...

No one was there to hold me and tell me everything would be ok...

No one to offer to take my place.

Suddenly, I felt so very, very vulnerable.

So very, very alone.

So very, very isolated from the rest of the world.

Slipping in past bedtime each night to fall into the sheets, only to awaken to a frantic rush has weakened me.

In the rare moments of silence, I wrestle with myself.

It's a battle I'll never really win, because you see, my two dominate personality traits are in direct conflict with one another...

One part of me is kind, understanding, sympathetic and unstoppable in a time of crisis.

The other part of me is bitter, resentful, quick-tempered and willing to throw her hands up in the air and quit.

The mild-mannered part of me always wins in the end.

Leaving the other part of me frustrated with myself.

I remember one time a few years back when I awoke with fever and felt the same lonesome feeling deep within I feel right now...

It lasted until the fever broke.

This will, too.

And, when this "fever" breaks, I'll come back stronger and more prepared than ever.

I'll have more experience than I did the day before, and I'll know.

I'll tell myself, "You made it through this. You can certainly make it through that."

But, sometimes, in the darkness, where I find my honest self, I just can't help but feel like...

And old violin.

My Sister...My Friend...

Oh, lawdy, folks...

With every trial, comes...

Family.

Good, bad or ugly...

You get what you get, right?

To say that the last few days have been an adventure is an UNDERSTATEMENT...

Not sure how it happened, really, but the four other girls besides myself, and the one boy that God chose (because He has a sense of humor!) to "bless" my mother with have become...

The poster children for dysfunction.

And, people, let me assure you, my siblings do NOT put the "fun" in "dysfunction".

In all fairness, they probably all say that about me, too.

Whatever.

It's my family, so I can say what I want.

You; however, had BETTER NOT say one negative word about ANY of them...

The wrath of God Himself will befall you.

I. am. not. kidding.

WE can kill each other, but YOU, if you know what's good for you, had better NOT even look at one of us with a crossed eye.

I'm so sorry. Have I ever REALLY introduced you to my family?

We'll start with my brother...

Who has the talent to OFFEND anyone. Not so much by what he says (because his words hold ALOT of truth to them), but more by the WAY he says it...

He means no harm, and yet...he DOES harm...

To over-inflated egos.

Yep, my brother has the distinct talent of cutting you to the quick...

And, really doesn't care.

Next, there's my oldest sister...

Who owns my heart.

Don't know if I've ever shared this with anyone, but when I was a baby, my mother was fighting cancer...

Leaving my 14 year-old sister...

Basically, a single mother...

With a baby...

That held on to her hip and called her "Mama".

Today, I call her by her name, but in today's world, when I can't go to my real mother, I turn to my sister...

She has never once let me down.

She carries too many burdens, but to lay them down would mean laying down all she cares about in this world...

I worry because she worries too much.

Third, there's my second-oldest sister, who, to this day, remains an absolute enigma to me...

Seriously.

I can't figure her out.

At times, she the first in line to defend, and at others...

She's the first in line to strike you down with a single blow.

Not sure what's up with that, but I do know she has the ability to make me feel like the least-worthy person on earth...

And, sometimes, she's my biggest champion.

I've just learned to balance on those eggshells that lead to the center of her heart...

And, to not get my feelings hurt if I "fall short".

Now, my middle sister...

People, I don't even know where to go with this one.

She has the inordinate ability to make you absolutely LOATHE her, and yet, when it seems the world turns against her...

You have to rush to defend.

Not because you want to, mind you...

But because you know she doesn't have the sense to do it for herself.

Actually, I can't even come up with more words about this one.

Seriously.

Lastly, we get to my sister I grew up with...

The "Practical One".

I have lived in the shadow of this girl's halo my ENTIRE life...

Two years older than me...

And exempliary student...

Never did wrong...

Yeah, you see where we're going, right?

And, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter...

Sometimes, I just HAVE to talk to her first...

Before I tell anyone else, I HAVE to tell her...

It's the bond we share from growing up together, I think.

She can be perfect, and yet, I KNOW she'll still accept me with all my imperfections, without judging...

Yeah, I LOVE that one.

Put us all in one room and walk into it, and I can promise you one thing...

You are walking into a room filled with more personality that the "normal" human could ever be ready to accept.

Which makes me feel so sorry for those that are charged with the care of our loved ones...

WE are the most easily pacified people you will ever meet...

UNTIL we think you're not treating someone we love like they are someone we love...

That poor hospital never knew what hit them until Hurricane Crane came to town.

Oops. Hate that for them.

Um, just a heads up...

You MIGHT want to pay a little bit closer attention to that little sweet old man in the back corner...

He will agree with anything you say...

His children, on the other hand, will chew you up and spit you out.

I SAID my mother raised children that didn't know how to deal with one another as adults...

I NEVER said my mother raised children that didn't know the value of family.

At the end of the day, even my brother would have to call each of us...my sister...my friend.

Shower the People....

The waiting area in the Cardiac Care unit was full...

Mainly with my family...

My brother and my sisters and me.

For the first time I could ever remember, the six of us were there without a parent.

One had been taken to the back of the unit about thirty minutes before, and the other awaited in another part of the hospital on our return with a full report of her progress.

I was able to go back to see her for a second, and I could tell when my sister looked up, she thought I was there to "run her out", as we had done all morning, since she was only allowed one of us at time until they took her for surgery.

I just winked at her and approached the bed where my mother lay.

I reached out and touched her hand.

"Hey. How are you?"

In true mother-fashion, she reassured me, "I'm fine. I'm just fine," in the best slurred voice she could manage.

"Hmmm. Did they give you some valium?"

(Now, people, comments like THIS one are why my mother cracks me up!)

"Yeah, they did. I guess they have to get you drunk when you're in here. I mean, really, what would you do just laying around her for hours if they didn't make it fun?"

My sister and I just glanced at one another and giggled at her.

"I guess you're right! It'd be a pretty long morning otherwise, wouldn't it?"

"Yep." Her hands motioned toward the beside table, "Look. Take my glasses and put them in my blue bag."

"OK. I will."

"OK. In my blue bag."

"I know, Mother. I'll take care of it."

"OK. Just don't forget. I'll need them later. Well, if I don't die, I guess."

So, I teased her...

"Well, I'll just lay them somewhere and if you make it out of surgery, I'll put them in your bag."

She scolded me. "Put those glasses in my bag."

"I will, Mother."

I continued on, "I'm gonna go on over to the other tower and check on Pop. It's getting lunchtime and someone needs to be there to feed him. They'll call me when your surgery starts and I'll come back, ok?"

"Yeah. Check on your daddy. He's probably pretty worried."

"Ok. I'll see you when you get out, ok?"

"Ok. Now, Pam, put those glasses in my blue bag."

"Good bye, Mother. I'm giving your glasses to a blind homeless person....."

I started the trek to his room, which by the end of the day, I determined was 212 miles, with anticipation.

It's a strange sensation having both your parents in the same building for different ailments...

You're torn.

When you're there with one, you're feeling guilty because you're not with the other one, so you move on to the next room, only to find out that within 15 minutes, the same "antsy" feeling is in your legs, making you want to get up and walk to the next room...

So, you make that hike 10 times in the day...

Each of them waiting on a report of what you found in the room you just left...

Over and over and over again.

When I walked in my dad's room and saw him for the first time, without the "full effect" of all the family since it all happened, my heart fell in my chest.

So very frail...

So very vulnerable...

So very beautiful.

I sat down beside him and just took him in. In those few minutes, the last 25 years with him as my dad ran through my mind.

I was overcome with the amount of love he had jammed into those 25 years.

Raising adult children of another man could never have been easy for him, but he never complained.

NEVER.

For 25 years I have been the most loved "little girl" in the world.

With my natural father, I was never "Daddy's Girl"...

But, for the beautiful person I saw in front of me, I had been "Daddy's Girl" from day one.

The gravity of the situation set in, and for the first time, hot tears began to come to the surface.

I tried to fight them, but found those tears were stronger than me...

So, I sat in silence, wiping my cheeks and watching him when it happened...

My dad, who had been in and out of a drug-induced sleep for three days looked at me with eyes clearer than I had seen on him in over a year.

"Don't you cry." He said. "Don't you do that."

I stood up and took his hand.

"I just love you. I love you so much, and I hate to see you hurting like this."

"You stop that crying. You didn't have anything to do with me being hurt."

His eyes lost focus, but he continued talking...

"You didn't do anything wrong, baby."

"You know that you and Kelsie and Camron are the most special things ever given to me, right?"

"And, you and...Paul.....Jan......Beverly.......Susie.....Judy....and Mama are the most special things I ever got, too."

The tears wouldn't hold back anymore. I was bawling.

"I love you more than I could ever say."

"That's how much I love you, too."

(And, THIS is why I LOVE MY DAD like you can't imagine!)

With all the innocense of the child, he asked me, "Do you know how much that is?"

Without stopping, he raised his frail arms into the air and streched them out by his side...

"That's about yay big and around and around and around."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, PawPaw. That's how much I love you, too...

About yay big and around and around and around...

To the Top of the World...

For the past few days, I've reviewed the last 12 years of my life in vivid detail...

Recalling each and every step and mis-step that have brought me to myself today.

My beloved friend, Jackie Summers, wrote quite an article over the weekend about emotional scars, which you can find here: http://jackfrombkln.blogspot.com/

In his piece, beautiful soul that Jax is, he delves into the mysteries of physical scars and why it is that as human beings, we are so willing to divulge every detail of how our outward scars came to be, and yet, when it comes to emotional scars, our tendencies are to hide them far and away from anyone except those we know most intimately.

I commented to Jax that, since he absolved those who suffered from outward disfigurement from pride in their physical scars, that sometimes, we are so emotionally scarred that we are disfigured on the inside and are, therefore, worthy of a hall pass.

He'd have no part of that.

Sometimes, I really dislike Jax and his built-in bullshitometer. ;)

So I have been intently talking with myself since Sunday...

Asking myself how it is that I became this mass of scar tissue on the inside...

That has turned into a cancer.

And, how it is that I break free.

I know where it started; about the year 2000...

I loved him with my entire heart...

He was intelligent, funny, caring, good to my children, good to my parents, an exceptional lover...

And, after I was too far into it to just walk away, I found he was tormented with mental illness...

An emotional scar he was able to hide from me with unbelievable talent...

A victim of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of his mother all those years ago, he was unable to love in a way I could accept, and I had no choice but to move on, even though my heart wanted to stay...

Months and months of pain, followed by months of self-doubt followed me, and then one night, I was on a date with a guy...

Who introduced me to a friend of his...

And, as I turned to shake the guy's hand, our eyes locked...

And, I KNEW.

Don't ask me how, but I knew.

It was literally like one of those scenes in a movie when the cameras are angled just right...

The lighting is perfect...

And, as the viewer, you KNOW this is the pivotal moment in the movie in which the story line you have come to see starts.

Yes. It was one of those moments...

And, even all these years later, it's one I will treasure until the day I die.

It ranks right there with the births of my children.

He was beautiful;

He was tall;

He was delightful to be around.

And, I loved him instantly.

And, he, me.

We had a beautiful life while it lasted.

I can never remember a time that, when either of us walked in the door, no matter how bad things were, that I wasn't truly glad to see him...

He lit my world.

But, people, I was scarred, and because I am human...

I didn't let him see.

The sad part is that, I believe he loved me enough that there was NOTHING that I could have ever confided in him that he couldn't have loved me through...

But, I didn't tell him...

And, eventually, I had woven a web of deceit to hide my disfigured inside from him.

I wasn't trying to be dishonest. I was simply trying to protect him from - me.

I loved him.

Oh, how I loved him.

How he loved me.

The end was horrific and public and...

Worse than anything I could ever describe to you.

Everything that was once so beautiful was suddenly disfigured beyond recognition...

And, I was left feeling a shell...

Abandoned by myself...

Abandoned by my love...

Abandoned by life...

Years have passed since then, and, yet...

Nothing has seemed worth the risk since then.

I remember years ago...

I'd have risked anything for him...

Anything.

Just to have remained...

On top of the world.

A Long December...

Oh, man, it's getting that time of year...

I've seen in on my street; in my neighborhood; in my town...

I've even seen it on Facebook.

People are decorating trees and houses and wrapping gifts...

All in anticipation of the 25th of December.

And, for me, it's a long December.

I fain excitement for those around me all wrapped up in the spirit of the season, but inside, where that spirit is supposed to dwell...

I dread.

I dread every second of it.

You show me pictures of your tree with gifts overflowing, and I think of mine...

All those years ago...

Five years ago, you'd have found my house aglow in the haze of clear lights and a tree that could rival ANYTHING you could find in ANY store...

And, I ain't kidding...

This girl can decorate like you've never seen.

Although, if you come to my house this year, I'd be hard pressed to prove it with the one poinsettia on the porch.

The pictures of gifts to overflowing make me sad, because a few years ago, I had a HUGE extended family to exchange with on Christmas Eve, and it is now limited to...

My two children.

They don't know it.

I never let it show...

But I LONG for Christmas Past...

When I had a houseful of kids and hope and excitement.

Where, on that ONE magical day, ANYTHING seemed possible..

And, even as an adult, I BELIEVED.

So, I've made an effort...

All traditions for Christmas have changed...

All my "single" friends come over on Christmas Eve and we have a gumbo and some laughs...

Christmas morning is STILL for my kids.

Kelsie still spends the night, although she and Camron have gotten too big to share a bed...

I still go jump on them about 4 a.m. on Christmas morning with the exclamation, "Get up! I don't know how you did it, but SANTA CAME TO SEE YOU! HURRY!"

And, they fake their disbelief that he still comes to see them...

They rise...

Wipe the sleep from their eyes...

And walk into the living room in "amazement" that, even though they didn't write to him this year, he knew EXACTLY what they wanted.

And, it is in those few hours with them, the two people on earth that have the power to pull me from my own darkness, I realize...

The true meaning of the season.

It's about family...

It's about food...

It's about laughter...

It's about faith.

Faith that the THIS year...

Might be better than the last.

Ah, yes, it is, indeed, a long December...

But once you get there, you wonder why you dreaded its arrival.

Life is beautiful.

Life is what you make it...

Even if it is a long December.

Stop this Train...

"Stop this train! I wanna get off!"

Those words have moved through my mind for months now...

Life is moving at the speed of life, and me, the girl who can take care of it all, has been reduced to...

A passive observer.

I've almost gotten accustomed to that role...

Seriously.

In the last few months, I have become the guru of "Life is What Happens When You're Busy Living It"...

Doesn't matter.

I still hate it.

Stop this train.

I want to get off.

I want to enjoy every second of it...

Each look...

Each sound...

Each touch...

Today, I want time to stand still.

I want all movement to stop.

I want all past arguments...

All past transgressions...

To be gone.

Today, I realize what is important.

Won't someone stop this train?

I am only good at being young...

Nothing else...

This world is demanding more of me that I can give...

I am tired.

Won't someone stop this train?

I want to get off.

And, go home again...

Home...

Where my mother is well and good...

Where my dad is full of enlightenment and can handle anything that comes my way...

Home.

It makes me sad to realize "home" is no longer there.

"Home" is, now days, found in this rented house that I HATE...

"Home" is forever transformed and will NEVER be the same again...

Stop this train.

I want to get off.

And, go home again.

Won't someone stop this train?

A new chapter begins, and yet...

I'm not fully finished with the last chapter...

I've had no time to digest...

To discipher...

To accept...

The next curve ball.

Please.

Won't someone stop this train?

I want to get off.

And, go home again.

I'm only good at being young.

Seriously.

That's my only talent...

And, it's getting farther in the distance...

With every day.

Won't someone stop this train?

I wait on the day that it feels like it should.

Until then, I am begging you, anyone, to, please...

Stop this train.

Angels on the Moon...

This song has haunted me for the last two weeks.

Each time I hear it, my mind goes back, and in true writer fashion, I can imagine what words I want to weave to its lyrics to express what I'm feeling inside when I hear it.

Today, I write it, but damned if I know what I'm going to say.

Four months tomorrow...

Four months.

I've had no contact with him for four months.

There was a time when four days seemed an eternity.

By the end of the second day, I would have been a wreck, doing everything I could to bait him into saying something...anything...

And, tomorrow, I could try every trick in the book, and I'd get...nothing.

Four months.

I never once, since the day I met him, thought I'd ever live a day without him.

Last week, we all wrote "Love" on our arms.

I wore that word with pride.

I wore it for him.

I'd write it on my arm every day of the week if it would mean I could talk to him...

Just one more time.

Four months.

What did HE believe?

He believed in his niece.

He believed in his sister.

He believed in his mother.

He believed in love.

He believed in friendship.

He believed in family.

He believed in God.

He believed in Heaven.

He believed in Hell.

He believed in two girls from opposite ends of the country...

One, he loved, without shame, and with his entire heart...

The other, he loved and vowed to protect forever and ever, just as a brother protects his sister.

Neither any less, but in different ways...

And, he made sure they knew one another...

Would care for one another...

Because, my friends, he also believed his life would be brief.

So much I owe to him...

So much I can never repay...

With him, I had the relationship I've never had with my own brother.

Somewhere to go and just scream, "THE WORLD SUCKS, AND I AM TIRED, AND I AM SCARED!"

Four months.

I don't know that my calendar will ever creep toward that number "19" that it doesn't hit me...

There will never be another him.

Never.

He was the one and only...

The original...

The beginning...

The end.

He was my friend...

My angel on the moon.

I love you.

I miss you.

Forever and always...

I love you.

I carry your torch.

I believe in you still...

As long as I live, and as long as there is breath in me...

You live on.

My Angel on the Moon.

In My Daughter's Eyes...

You all know I'm her number one fan.

I always have been, and I always will be.

This "child", as I loosely must refer to her as these days...

Has taught me so much about love;

About life;

About forgiveness.

My only hope is that every parent can gaze upon their child and feel the sense of pride I feel when I look at her.

She is truly amazing.

There are no words fitting to express how I feel for her...

When I think of her, I am absolutely overcome.

How she turned out to be the unbelievable young adult she has grown to be leaves me awe-struck...

Designed by His hand...

Molded by mine...

And, people, mine was shaking with lack of confidence the entire time...

I am amazed.

In spite of me, she grew into the most beautiful of all souls I have ever encountered.

Times are tough right now...

For her.

For me.

But, my heart beats on...

It beats for her.

It beats for me.

She is simply the most pure soul I have ever had fortune to meet.

How in this world God granted me with such a special gift, I really don't know.

I hope she has recognized that I've taught her that when times are tough...

You NEVER give up...

When the world talks against you...

You NEVER back down...

And, when they least deserve it...

You FORGIVE.

I can only hope my child keeps that pureness of heart...

That the heart of forgiveness continues to beat within her.

That she is able to discern who is deserving of her forgiveness...

And, that with some, she must turn away.

My prayer is that God will protect my beautiful girl...

Giving her the tools that she needs to protect herself.

And, that one day, wisdom will be hers.

Because, to know her is, without doubt, a privilege...

It is NOT a right.

I can only hope that the way I see my daughter...

Is the way I'm seen...

In my daughter's eyes.

Shine On, You Crazy Diamond...

As I begin to type this post, I have to laugh.

My laughter is mainly because I know which of you are wondering if it is you I refer to as a "crazy diamond".

Let me assure you, if you THINK this is for you...

It probably is.

I have loved you...

I do love you...

And, your light continues to shine.

You may no longer be here...

Either by choice, or by circumstance, but YOU, and you ALONE...

Are my crazy diamond.

Those of you that are still here...

Those that have never left...

Let's get real...

You are here ONLY because, indeed, you are...

A crazy diamond.

Crazy attracts crazy, right?

And, to me, it does not matter.

I love you...

I have loved you...

For the individual that you are.

For the individual that you were...

And, in your absence have proven to me...

That you still are...

A crazy diamond.

It's a crazy world we live in, people.

A world none of us, back in our youth ever expected to know...

A world where we know one another better than those in our "real life" will EVER know.

And, yet, we have never met.

Face to face.

The fact is, we probably never will.

And, yet, the loss of one of our own can unite us;

Bond us together in grief no on else can understand;

THIS is our community.

I remember my most favorite of all crazy diamonds...

And, as for as long as I live...

And walk this earth...

His diamond shines.

That light will NEVER dim...

As long as there is breath in me.

Today, I am thinking of the other "third" and "fourth" of "us"...

Two other beautiful, crazy diamonds.

I am in awe when I look back and think, "They are all I have left."

All I have left in this world that, four years ago was foreign to me.

But, somehow, the four of us connected...

In a way I think no one else can understand.

My crazy diamonds.

That still "get" me...

That understand...

That defend...

When even I don't want to anymore.

It surprised me today when I felt so all alone and realized it was in my virtual world that I felt alone...

Abandoned...

Totally alone.

Today, for the first time, I realized I no longer have his protection with me...

Today, for the first time, I was really scared.

Today, for the first time, I realized...

Once I stopped feeling sorry for myself...

That...

He left me with an arsenal.

There are three of us "originals" left...

HOWEVER...

He left us with a HUGE SUPPLY...

Of those he knew would love us...

Accept us...

Protect us...

When no one else would.

He gave us an entire, immeasurable count of...

Crazy diamonds.

I promise I will continue to shine.

As long as all of you promise to continue to shine...

You crazy diamonds.

I Wanna Know What Love Is...

We were barely 18 and we first danced to this song...

In 1985 Louisiana, we were legal to drink...

Legal to marry...

Ridiculously legal to think we had all the answers.

At the tender age of 20, we married.

In 1987 Louisiana, it was legal for two children to have a child.

And, that, we did.

She came into the world on November 23, 1987 a frail little girl...

Weak from the nine months of improper prenatal care...

The product of an extremely immature and scared mother...

And, a father that had no idea what to do except what she told him to do.

And, she flourished.

The road was a little rocky and questionable at first, but she grew...

She grew in my heart...

She grew in his heart.

Two kids raising a kid...

And, but by the grace of God...

All three of us made it.

She and I would pack up sack lunches and head out to the park every single day.

She and I grew up together.

A little unfair to her, I know, because she helped raise her mother...

Her mother learning her mistakes along the way...

The one thing she did know was that this child...

This precious human being...

Was the reason for her existence.

We were a family.

The three of us were all we knew.

Loving one another...

Holding onto one another...

When there was nothing else to cling to.

The years passed.

We grew up.

We grew apart, her dad and me.

Not his fault, and not mine.

Both of us victims of the clock that seemed to tick against us.

In late 1991, we realized I was having another baby.

I remember my baby girl anxiously awaiting the arrival of her baby sister.

The joke was on her.

Her baby brother came into the world on June 10, 1992.

And, the three of us became four.

We lived...

We loved...

We tried...

We faked it...

We did all we could to hold that world together.

Our efforts were all for nothing...

In the end, there was no amount of responsibility, nor longing that could allow us to go on any further.

It was a bittersweet end...

And, I was left to explain to those two little faces what had happened...

Why life as they knew it was no more.

From that day forward, I have felt guilty...

Guilty for shattering their world...

Guilty for shattering his world...

And, today, I realized something...

I have carried 11 years of guilt that I should not have carried.

I gave it my best.

I have no reason to feel what I feel.

It is not right.

I did nothing wrong except to try to hold it together...

When circumstances dictated it would never work.

I held on...

I held strong...

And, in the end, it wasn't enough.

I have the best that world had to offer me...

It's in the bedroom that I walk partially into each morning at 6:10 a.m. and say, "It's ten after six, baby. Time to get up."

It's in that voice on the phone that can't help but call me and without taking a breath say, "Mom, you will NOT believe what just happened..."

The best of that world...

Where I know what love is...

Lives in her.

It lives in him.

Wanna know what love is?

Love belongs to me.

In my world, love begins with a "K" and a "C".

Yes, I know what love is.

And, you can't stop my love...

That Lucky Old Sun...

Today was a day I greeted with semi-dread. I had to get Mother to the doctor first thing, make time for a 9:00 a.m. conference call and then, oh, yeah, make time to actually work.

More and more these days getting my mother to an appointment on time is like revisiting early mornings during my children's elementary school days.

"Hurry now and eat your breakfast. You're still not dressed and we have to leave in 15 minutes."

She completely ignored me.

"Mother, come on now, please. I've got to get you into the doctor's office so I can be on my call before nine."

She glanced my way begrudingly and finally acknowledged me, "I'm trying, but if I eat too fast I'll get sick."

"O.K. I've got an idea. How about if we get you dressed and you can take your toast and your juice in the car with us. Deal?"

She let out a frustrated sigh. "Alright."

As she got up to get dressed, she, of all things, began to sing with all the joy of a school girl getting ready for her first date...

"Up in the morning...out on the job...Work like the devil for my pay...But that lucky old sun...Has nothing to do...But roll around Heaven all day..."

As she sang the words, a pang of longing mixed with amusement overcame me and I remembered the date.

I giggled to myself as the thought of my boy rolling around Heaven went through my mind.

I like that thought.

In fact, I like it so much that even though I look at the date, I have managed to carry a little joy in my step all day.

He is rolling around in Heaven.

Probably rolling around in laughter at the pranks he pulled on me the last week.

Just a week ago I told a friend of mine, "I think he's moved on. I haven't felt him in a few weeks. I just don't think he's here anymore."

The very next day my phone, out of nowhere, lit up with all the power of a million Christmas trees and beeped. When I picked it up to see what happened, somehow all the text messages I had received from him those last couple weeks...

All those text messages I had painstakingly moved into a folder so they wouldn't accidentally be deleted...

Were all showing on my phone, as if they had been recalled, and yet, the phone was nowhere near me. It was nowhere near anyone.

Somewhere in the universe, I could imagine him laughing at me, reminding me that, although he may have chosen not to be as visible these past couple weeks, he is, indeed, here, and for me never to forget it...

When he's not busy rolling around Heaven all day, that is.

Like so many things since he left, I believe he gave my mother these words this morning because he knew they would give me peace.

I heard him speaking on one of his old radio shows yesterday morning, and it both surprised and actually delighted me when I was able to listen to his voice and remember his sense of humor, instead of concentrating on how much I hurt.

The last show was actually one where I had called in, and I must admit, it wasn't one of my finer moments.

The last thing I said to him before I hung up?

"I love you, punkin."

He used sweet Caroline to deliver that reminder. He knew I loved him. That thought yesterday gave me so much peace.

And, three months to the day that I last talked to him, at long last, I believe I am ready to heal.

He'll be here with me, every step of the way, I'm sure.

When he's not busy rolling around Heaven all day...

I love you, my friend.

Thank you for making my world a better place and allowing me the honor of calling you friend...

Knowing you has, without doubt, been one of the most wonderful things I have ever known.

There is a special place reserved inside my heart for only you, and each time I examine it, I am filled with the most pure feeling of love I have ever experienced.

You for me;

Me for you;

Without question.

Forever protecting.

Forever accepting.

Forever friends.

I adore you...

You Lucky Old Sun...

Tiny Dancer...

Nice.

At one time I thought I might be the "Seamtress for the Band"...

Until my sister, quite ironically, living next door...

Caught them drying marijuana leaves on their clothesline.

Yes, people.

True story.

She lurks.

She never comments.

Perhaps this ONE TIME, she'll confirm.

At the time, I didn't realize people GREW the stuff!

I didn't realize people BOUGHT the stuff!

I just thought we SMOKED the stuff.

Never thought of it being illegal...

Because, I would NEVER intentionally break the law.

I was 17.

What I would trade for that innocense again.

But I digress.

In fact, I DID sew on a button on someone's shirt.

And, at this point, my sister should be laughing.

I sew NOTHING, (but bad seed) and ONLY my sister would actually know this.

Just as only my sister would know what REALLY hurts me...

And, what I LET people think hurts me.

Seventeen.

I was seventeen.

The world was stupid, and I was smart, and I knew everything.

The world, quite simply, knew nothing.

Thank God I had my sister (who just happened to live next door), watching out for me.

She had lived a couple years longer than me...

Had walked a couple of roads before I got there...

She had seen the danger.

She refused to let it get me.

At the age of 17, my sister protected me.

I hated her for it...

Because, let's be honest.

I did NOT KNOW what a marijuana leaf looked like.

My sister, miraculously, did...

And, she SAVED ME FROM IT.

She saved me from so much back then.

What we didn't know is that the one that she "saved me" from...

Has ended up being a MIGHTY instrument for God...

And orphans...

All across the south.

Yes.

The boy that once dried pot leaves on his clothesline is now a DEVOTED minister to the Word of God.

He was 17.

I was 17.

Who knows what we may turn out to be at 17?

"Judge not, lest Ye be judged.", right?

We think we know, and to be honest, short of a miracle, we're right.

Right?

I can assure you that, at 17, it never occurred to that I would be twice divorced.

It never occurred to me that I would be entrusted with two precious lives and love them so much it would threaten to take the very breath from me.

At 17, I knew nothing.

Except that he was tall...

That he had his "own place"...

He was "in a band"...

And, that he wrote me a song...

Of my very own...

"Pam, Pam, you ain't worth a damn...

I call you on the phone, you say you're taking to your friend...

Where did your lies start...

And where will they end?"

The thought of lying to him, at the age of 17, had never occurred to me.

The song, I thought, was funny...

And, yet, it MUST have impressed me.

Because I have NEVER forgotten what he sang to me...

As he strummed his guitar...

In the back of his 72' Ford Pickup...

That was navy blue...

Except for the driver's door...

It was Army Green.

I was 17.

He was 17.

I was but a tiny dancer.

He was but a tiny dancer.

With our ENTIRE lives before us, and, yet...

We didn't see that part.

We were too busy dancing in the sand...

Two tiny dancers, in His hands...

Good-Night, My Angel

A life-saver of an unexpected call came through today from one of my closest friends.

We made some small talk, and then she asked the question which was actually the purpose of her call.

"How are you?"

"I'm no so good, Kim," I choked out as the hot tears built up behind my eyes.

From there, I caught her up on the events of the last few days since we had talked, and in the true spirit of friendship, as the unbelievable twists and turns of my past couple weeks came from me, we laughed; we cried; we evaluated the situation; we discussed it; and, for the time being, we resolved it.

I remember at one time wondering how it was possible she could hear me. My voice was literally choked with emotion to the point everything I said was just above a whisper.

It didn't matter.

She is my friend.

She knew exactly what I was saying without even hearing it.

She knows the burden on my heart and how it is pressing me to my absolute limit.

She knows all the loss and pain I've been through in the past few months.

She knows I am upside down in a tail-spin and I don't know how to find my way out.

She knows I am helpless.

And, she knows that for me to know I am helpless in a battle leaves me even more crippled.

She is my friend for no other reason than that she loves me. I don't know that I've ever done anything to deserve that kind of love.

I continued on, "Kim, I've always been so foolish. I watched everyone else I know fight their battles and I truly thought that, for whatever reason, I have always been one of the 'lucky' ones. I'm not. I never have been. My battles were just saved for later in life."

And, we both agreed that at some point in all our lives, we are all called upon to dance with the devil.

I want off this dancefloor.

He continues moving to the beat.

He is truly disfigured beyond recognition and I am not enjoying his company.

Is life truly unfair?

I can't say.

In my time on this earth, I've been blessed; I've been hurt; I've been up; I've been down.

It just may simply be "my turn".

Maybe this time, the girl that always lands on her feet will crash land.

I'm just not sure.

This battle that has been waged against me has threatened to take everything that means something to me.

So many questions.

So many fears.

So many doubts.

And, quite possibly for the first time in my entire life, I am truly scared.

But, as ever, I will go on, knowing that this, too, shall pass.

I will go on because of the love of the people that surround me.

And, to those that elude me, good-night, my angels.

Where ever you may go; No matter where you are, I never will be far away.

Baby of Mine...

It's no secret.

I've never been a perfect mother to the two beautiful souls that were entrusted to me.

I've been far from it.

In fact, I've always thought they deserved better.

So much of the story they don't know...

How their dad and I met...

How we married...

How we were best friends that simply...

Outgrew one another.

How we tried to hold it together because of the two beautiful lives we had created...

And, yes, created out of our love for one another.

In the end, we just couldn't make it work.

Try as we might, we just couldn't do it...

Leaving me, at the age of 30, with two children, a job that paid "x" amount of dollars on the first...

And "x" amount of dollars on the 15th.

They don't know how hard it was.

Sometimes, in the beginning, I literally had to choose between food or electricity...

Just so we could make it two more weeks...

Until the next payday.

Maybe I fooled myself.

Maybe they did know and the joke was on me.

Just don't know.

I always thought I did a good job at hiding the harsh realities of life from them.

My theory was that, all too soon, life would come in and teach them its cruel truth...

While they were on my watch...

NOTHING could touch them.

I may not have always been the best...

BUT...

I always DID my best.

Maybe not as great as someone else may have done...

But, it was my best effort.

All the while, knowing, they deserved better.

Maybe, in the end, my best simply wasn't good enough.

The one thing I do know...

That NO ONE could ever dispute...

Is that my precious cargo was LOVED.

My precious cargo was PROTECTED...

My precious cargo was REVERED...

I did my best.

I have loved to my greatest ability.

I offer my children back to the world as my gift.

I've taught them to give...

To love...

To forgive...

And, today, I no longer control them.

Please, world, be kind to my two...

They are...

Babies of mine.

A Thousand Beautiful Things...

It's morning, and I get up.

My body aches; my heart hurts; my mind is dull...

It's a hard stretch, but out of habit, I arise.

Nothing is different than when I fell asleep, except that everything I left yesterday...

Has followed me to today.

It's a struggle, but I remind myself that everyone else is just like me...

Discontent...

Unsettled...

Wondering if there really is, indeed, a reason to continue...

But, in front of me dangles a string.

I look at it, and, as ever, I contemplate it.

That string is called "hope".

As much as I'd like to not grasp onto it and let its wings carry me until tomorrow...

Long before daylight...

As the rest of the world sleeps, I grab hold.

And, that tiny string carries me through my day.

I'd like to think that I am different...

That not all of us are living just like me, but, in fact, we are.

I am full of "woulda", "coulda", "shoulda"...

Yes,

I can...

I could...

I would...

And, I did.

As much as life told me I couldn't...

I did.

Today will be no different.

The sunrise challenges me...

I stare it in the face and challenge it back.

Neither the sun;

Nor the moon;

Nor can life;

Beat me.

I will win.

I always do.

I will forever fight to see the beatiful things...

A thousand of them.

My children;

My mother;

My sisters;

My friends;

Not one thing on earth can overcome their beauty.

Not one thing can overcome those...

Thousand beautiful things.

The Dance...

I remember the first time I ever heard this song.

Not much of a fan of country music, but this guy, Garth Brooks, had a concert playing on HBO, and well, I heard that Billy Joel made an appearance when they taped it, and, people, I just had to see my Billy...

So, with anticipation, I watched...

The only thing I remember about the two hours in front of the television?

This song.

Very rarely am I moved by something that literally carries me.

This song does that.

It is a gentle reminder that, no matter how much I'm hurting;

No matter how much I regret;

No matter where I am in life...

That my life is just as it should be.

It shakes me back into reality, making me understand that life is simply a dance...

Sometimes, we're on top of our game, on the dance floor and the world watches us in wonder...

Sometimes, we're the lonely girl in the corner without a partner...

Sometimes, we are face to face with the one we love and move together in perfect harmony and unison...

Sometimes, we're left on the dance floor alone and embarassed, exposed for all to see...

Sometimes, we dance with a stranger, and it is hard to find our footing and set the right pace...

And, sometimes, we're the girl that really just wanted to stay home and opted out of the dancing at all.

Our partners are our friends, our family, our lovers, our husbands and sometimes, complete strangers...

No one more important or less significant than the other, because they are the music to our life's dance...

And, that leaves me thinking...

What legacy do I leave behind to others in my life's dance?

I hope I dance a dance of inspiration;

Of friendship;

Of love;

Of understanding;

Of unencumbered acceptance.

I hope that my dance shows others not to be afraid;

Not to give up...

NEVER give up.

I hope that my dance shows others that you don't have to be a perfect dance partner...

You just need to laugh and enjoy it while it lasts.

I hope that my dance, although most awkward, teaches others that they can learn to enjoy it, too.

I hope that my dance shows others that, even though you may not know all the steps, get out on that dance floor and fake it 'til you make it...

Most of the dances are reptition, anyway.

I hope that my dance is remembered as one of laughter;

Of compassion;

Of heart.

I hope that my dance is, much like this song, a gentle reminder to never...

Miss the dance.

Fly Away from Here...

It was still dark, about 5:00 a.m., Eastern time, when my phone went off.

Back home, it was 4:00 a.m., and I was confused.

I stirred in the darkness, and said aloud, "Who is texting me at 4 in the morning?"

The answer was easy.

I looked at my phone and giggled to my partner, "It's Swiller."

"Why am I surprised?", he asked in half-disbelief.

"Mornin fucker." The text read.

I giggled, as I read it aloud.

"Mornin back, bigger fucker." I responded.

I laid in the bed with my phone to my chest, awaiting what would come next, and...

Nothing.

Eventually, I placed the phone back at the bedside, and the darkness of morning continued until daylight.

He never responded back.

Not odd...

Just, Swiller.

I had felt so badly about that weekend.

I had never told Swiller the ENTIRE truth...

About where I was...

Whom I was with...

At the end of the day, honestly, I just didn't wanna hear it.

The boy thought no man was good enough for me...

The boy thought every man had an ulterior motive...

He trusted NO MAN, when it came to me.

And, well, I took the path of least resistence...

I took the path of ambiguity...

He knew I was in Florida, and yet..

He did not know with whom I was with.

And, yeah, people, I LIKED it that way.

You've never dealt with Swiller, until you've dealt with Swiller thinking you're dealing with someone he does not agree with you dealing with...

So, mid-weekend vacation, my partner and I agree with this statement:

"You will never understand our relationship, so, forget it. I love the boy with my whole heart, and that is just the way it is."

Which is probably why he accepted a before-daylight text without a problem.

I never heard from my boy again that day...

Until I arrived home, late that night.

I remember his last statment to me, "Why are you still awake when it's almost time for you to get up?"

And, we laughed.

I went to sleep that night, never knowing that my life was changing...

The next day, he was quite obviously...missing.

Not too odd.

Maybe he was sleeping away his medication...

Maybe he had been up too late the night before.

On Tuesday, I looked for him...

He was nowhere he should have been.

I called his house.

No answer.

No big surprise.

He kept that phone unplugged.

So, I called his cell phone...

I got his voicemail.

I cannot even tell you what it said...

All I know is that he had disguised his voice in his most AWFULLY disguised voice.

I left him a voicemail...

"Oh my GOD! Your message sounds like the devil. Call me. I'm scared."

He did not call me that day...

I knew something was wrong.

I held onto hope.

I awoke at 2 a.m. the next morning...

DETERMINED I would find him...

He had other plans.

What I found was a message from his sister...

I knew what she had to say, but...

I did not want to hear it.

So, I ignored her for a bit, but there she was...

Her message begging to be heard, and eventually...

I had to give in.

And, at that precise second, life as I knew it...

Changed.

I know I'm a bleeding heart to some...

Just waiting for me to quit crying.

Trust me.

I've BEEN you watching ME...

And, I know what it's like to wait on someone that it seems time forgot.

And, to those people, I sincerely apologize...

I now know what you were feeling, and I am sorry for my unsympathetic manor.

No man, nor can time, dictate to you when...

It is time to stop hurting.

All I can tell you is that, I look at the date...

And, to me...

The calendar states it has been two full months since I heard from him.

And, I HATE that freaking calendar...

Making it more real than it needs to be.

I FREAKING HATE...

All measurements of time.

Because it just separates me from him...

A little more each day.

Because, you see, my boy is in the arms of the angel...

Far away from here...

And, my friends, as sad as I am for me...

I am glad for him.

I Miss You...

So, now I realize it's NOT just me...

YOU are sending those signs to everyone...

And old photo comment there...

A friend suggestion here...

It IS you...

You STILL can't put it behind you, can you?

It's ok, buddy.

We WANT you to remind us.

Two months later, and, my brother, people still love you...

They still look for you...

They still reach out for you.

They are no different than me, as much as I'd like to think I'm "special"...

I'm not.

You are with us all...

I love that.

You had your unique way of letting us know that you were giving away part of yourself that was "only for you"...

It was your gift.

It was your talent.

It was your heart.

It was your soul.

I don't believe I will ever see the day that I don't grieve you...

Miss you...

Wish you were here.

Life is just...less.

It's less happy...

It's less joyful...

It is just...less.

I really don't like the world without you in it.

Although, I know I must accept it.

So much has changed in the last two months...

I'm losing my dad.

I'm scared...

And, I know if you were here, you'd say something to soothe me in a way no one else could.

Seriously.

What am I going to do when he's gone?

You know why I'm so scared, right?

But, it's not all bad...

I've met some unbelievable people that I probably wouldn't have if you were here...

They would, more than likely, be familiar names I'd see from time to time.

My boy, you surrounded yourself with beautiful people!

So loving...

So kind...

So accepting...

That part of losing you has been beautiful.

I've seen the other side of you...

And, yanno?

It ain't so bad, buddy.

Have I made you proud?

I really hope I have.

I hope I have done everything as you would have wanted.

All I ever wanted was to do you proud.

Did you have any idea?

Did you know how important you were to me?

Honestly, buddy, don't worry if you didn't.

It wasn't until you were gone that I realized what a HUGE part of my life you were...

It wasn't until I had to start letting people know what was going on that I realized what an impression you had left in my world...

Starting with my children.

And, my mother.

And, my closest friends.

You were here, as if you lived and breathed right here in this tiny town...

You were here.

And, you left your mark.

My ENTIRE family discussed you at the dinner table the other night.

I didn't like it.

It made me uncomfortable...

But Mother remembered you...

And, she talked of your sweetness.

You touched her, buddy.

She LOVED you...

She thought you were "precious".

Hehehe...

Grandma thought you were precious.

I'd tease you about that if you were here...

And, you'd no doubt say, "That's because she doesn't know what I'm thinking about her daughter!"

What were you thinking when you thought of me?

I hope you remember you, me and Diana...

Laughing...

Crying...

Just, loving one another.

Because, brother, we LOVED you.

I wait on the day that it doesn't hurt.

That day won't come.

That day is merciless.

I wait on the day when I can speak of you and not feel the tears.

It hasn't gotten here yet.

It has no heart.

You, my friend, had a heart.

It beat within you strong as an ox.

For us all, buddy.

Your heart did beat for us all...

And, I miss you.

We all...

Miss you.

I Drink Alone...

I drank a Bud Light this morning.

It wasn't out of longing...

It was because it was time to start the grill, and, well, honestly, I was out of anything else to drink until Louisiana law would allow me to purchase something better.

As the taste of the medium yellow liquid hit my lips, I immediately thought of you.

My mind went back to last year and that day we drank beer from morning til midnight.

I freaking hated beer, but with you, somehow, it just...fit.

And, I remembered.

I remembered all last summer...

Hurricanes...

Lazy Sundays....

Fishing...

Saturdays mowing my lawn...

I remembered it all.

And, I thought of you...

Of your smile;

Your laughter;

Your touch.

And, as much as I wanted to miss that, I couldn't.

Because, you see, with you, each joyful time was made up with something so dark, it was foreign to me.

And, one full year later, I am glad it is over.

You played me.

You played me well, even.

I trusted you.

You came to me disguised as my friend;

Someone I could depend upon...

Believe in...

Someone who would always be there.

But, you really weren't.

I rememeber when I first realized you weren't the person I thought you were..

I didn't want to believe, although, the evidence was right in front of me...

You LIED to me...

The one who thought she could not be lied to and not know it from the word go.

You made me believe in you...

In all you said you stood for...

And, I was but a puppet in your matinee...

Little more than a marionette, on a string, at your will.

Did you enjoy watching my arms and legs move at your discretion?

I hope so.

I hope it was worth something.

You ruined me.

I've spent so much time blaming others...

An ex husband...

An ex lover...

An ex friend...

And, in all honesty, the problem with me is: you.

For me to trust you so easily must mean there is issue with ME...

And, because I couldn't trust you...

I cannot trust me.

And, because of you...

I drink alone.

You Raise Me Up...

He's on the decline...

The hospitalization Wednesday afternoon cemented it for me.

I await tomorrow...

When I will be able to see him for the first time since then...

Oh, how I love him...

He is, and since the day I first laid eyes on him, has been, my hero.

He is my dad...

The one who chose me.

He has loved me...

Comforted me...

Made things right for me...

And, today, it is out of my hands to decide what is right for him.

I remember the first time I saw him...

Looking just like "Papa Smurf" (no joke).

I was 18 when my mother first introduced us.

That was 24 years ago.

He's been my dad longer than my natural dad was given on this earth to know me...

And, he has loved me every moment, of every day, since that very second.

I have loved him, too.

I am faced with losing him...

Not tomorrow, or even the next day...

But the unmeasurable cruelty of disease is upon us all...

And, it may well be that the man I know is now gone...

Replaced by a look-a-like.

And, I am not prepared for what I will find tomorrow.

If he is "right", I don't think I can take the tears that are inevitable...

If he is not "right", I'm not sure I can face the shell of the man he was.

The only thing I do know for sure is that I love him...

He raises me up.

Forever Young...

"This is not as strange as you think it is, sweetie. You lost your friend. Your life is different. Your problem is accepting that you have the right to grieve. It's ok to hurt; It's ok to accept; It's ok to heal. Time, and only time, will tell you when it's time to proceed. I really think you're expecting to much from yourself too soon. Right now, we just need to give you a little first aid, and the rest will fall in place. Are you ok with that?"

I held onto the tissue I had grabbed from the box and just looked at her...

Through my haze of tears, I was trying to guess her age and thinking, secretly, that she was crazier than I was...

But, I obliged her. "Ok."

And, for the first time in over a month, I listened to someone other than myself.

I was given suggestions on how to get through the next week until I would see her again on the following Friday.

I committed them to memory, promising myself I would put them into practice as soon as I left her office.

Our time together ended, and I walked through the waiting room, embarassed for the couple that had come in behind me.

Obviously, they were married and seeking counseling...

I purposefully did not glance their way, nor they, mine.

I walked out into the sprinkling rain that had begun, and for the first time...

In a long time...

I had a hopeful smile on my lips.

I realized I COULD do this...

I realized I WASN'T crazy...

I realized I WOULD be ok...

And, this time, it was with permission.

I could decide to be ok and not feel as though I were betraying him.

He would want me to heal...

According to her, if I only opened my heart and my mind, I was surrounded by him every second of every day...

I only just needed to allow myself to see him there.

According to her, he's that voice that guides me...

The one that I've heard loudest in the last month...

The one that tells me, "do this", and "don't do that"...

According to her, that is him talking to me.

According to her, our relationship is not over.

It is now, simply, on another plain...

And, I must tune myself in to that.

And, in reality, if I really think about it and get honest with myself...

A spiritual relationship is all he and I ever really had, anyway.

Except, according to her, our relationship has reached a whole new level...

And, I should embrace it now...

Because, before, we had never interacted physically...

According to her, now, he is all around me...

A luxury his physical life never gave me.

We talked about him...

I told her of how much I loved him...

I told her of his innocence...

I told her of his hopes...

His dreams...

And, in the end, how they were squelched by something stronger than him;

And, stronger than me, or anyone else that loved him.

According to her, although this is hard for anyone to accept, we should be joyful...

He is free.

According to her, none of us really know the confines of that magnitude of illness, and we are not fit to judge...

Only he knew what he was feeling...

Just as I only know what I am feeling.

According to her, I have a champion now...

Someone who will move heaven and earth to protect me;

And, I should be glad...

Many a person in this world has never been fortunate enough to have a guardian angel like me...

According to her, I should smile instead of cry...

According to me, I think I will trust her...

Because, only then, does he remain...

Forever young.

The Laws of Attraction and Passion...

Mid-sentence, as I tried to bite into my shrimp po-boy, I stopped. I had to apologize.

"Nadja, I'm sorry, but someone has my attention, and I'm embarassed about it."

She grinned. "I know. They have your full attention."

"Ok, I'm gonna tell you who it is, but first, I gotta tell you this: He's balding; he's older; he's grubbing on his lunch like he hasn't eaten in days, and for some reason, I think he's hot."

"It's the guy in the blue shirt, at the front table," I told her, as she turned to see him.

She agreed. "Ok, I get it."

"Really?" I asked her.

"No, not really, but you get it, so I'm ok with it."

"Swear to God, I wish this was a bar..." I trail off, as we giggle.

"I would SO be over there and introduce myself," I continue on.

As we forge on, our laugh swelling at the ridiculous thought, I continue, "Right now, though, I'd be scared to approach him, since we already know my stuff has made plenty a good man go CRAZY! He just might choke, and we've already ascertained he's really, really hungry. I'm just not sure he can keep up."

She and I continue with our conversation about...well, really, nothing...and my friend notices my glance going back and forth between her and the mystery that lies four tables ahead of me.

I wish I could put my finger on it, but I can't.

Once again, if only I could identify it, I could push forward...

Starvation abated, he began to feed himself a little slower, and she said, "You are completely enthralled."

"Yeah, I am. Wish I knew why."

"It's chemistry," she says.

And, I'm left silently wondering if our pheremones are left there, mid-air, dancing with one another...

Each calling to the other in some form of spiritual, erotic dance...

Because, I can so see us enter-twining...

I feel it in my soul..

And, thank God, I am with Nadja, who knows me...

She knows this is real and happening before her eyes.

I have become a tigress, stalking my prey.

I will know him.

Before the clock strikes one, I will know him.

We finish our lunch, go to the counter and pay our check...

We walk outside and place ourselves on the "waiting" bench.

We chat; we smoke a cigarette; we chat a little more, both of us knowing what I am waiting on...

My prey is inside...

Enjoying his smothered pork chop...

And, because of simply chemistry, I am ok with that, when normally, I just might be...repulsed...

But, yet, I am waiting outside.

I'll catch his glance.

I know it.

And, as our conversation continues, he, FINALLY, walks outside...

I glance over as he walks to his truck...

He glances over at us...

And, I look at my friend...

"It's over. If only 49 years ago he'd have worked on that walk, he and I could've been. I'm over him now. He walks funny."

We giggle, and she goes to her car and I go to mine.

Such is the life of girlfriends...

Able to fall in and out of love in five minutes, and...

There is no need to explain.

We all need a little...

Passion.

I Don't Wanna Be Alone...

Sometime today, or maybe last night in my sleep, the thought occurred to me, "I don't want to wake up on my birthday and it be just another day."

Most of you don't get that statement. That's ok. To those of us that do, it's a sobering thought.

This past week has been surrounded by my girls...

My single friends...

Maybe even a few that aren't, but feel as though they are...

As I talked with each of them, I realized we all have the same fear...

None of us want to be alone.

And, yet, we are...

Maybe tucked inside our homes with our children...

Maybe tucked inside our homes with our husbands and our children...

Either way, it's a lonely existence.

This life is not what we expected it would be, and I suspect, never will be what we expected.

No young girl ever aspires to be 42, twice divorced, the single mother of two children, working harder than anyone should be expected to work...

No young girl ever thinks she'll awaken to a 20 year nightmare of a marriage that has destroyed any self-confidence she may have ever had and leave her wondering where her value lies...

With nothing but another day of the same thing to look forward to.

Yet, many of us do.

And, you feel ungrateful when you do, because, hey, take a look around...

You're surrounded by great friends; great family; great neighbors...

Every comfort anyone could want to have, but...

Something is missing.

And, if you could put your finger on it, all your problems would be solved...

But you can't.

The missing piece cannot be identified.

No amount of soul-searching in this world will ever be able to put a name to it.

You're ok...

Life is good...

The bills are paid...

There's food in the fridge...

No one's going hungry tonight, and yet, you STILL are not. quite. happy.

I get it.

I really do.

Sometimes, ok just doesn't cut it.

We build fortresses around our hearts; our children; our lives and refuse to allow anyone to infiltrate our comfort zone.

As much as we may want to let down that gate and let someone in, the voices inside our heads warn us that it's not the right time...

It's not the right place...

Something just isn't right.

And, so, we continue on. One day fades into the next, and the the next day fades into the day after.

But, people, my biggest fear is that one day, we will awaken and it will be 20 years from now, and then...what?

Panic sets in when that thought hits me.

I think that, somewhere in my mind I've got it pegged that, when I'm ready, and only when I'm ready, I'll settle down with my best male friend for the last four years and we'll marry...

But, as I'm making this decision, he may well find someone else.

Then, more panic...

But, I'm a big girl, I try explaining to myself.

If it doesn't happen, it just wasn't meant to be.

I'm then reminded of my second marriage.

Which was the single most lonely place on this earth I have ever been.

And, even though I wasn't "alone"...

I was, indeed, alone.

And, if that's what this world has to offer me, then, well, yeah...

I just may want to be alone.