To the Top of the World...

For the past few days, I've reviewed the last 12 years of my life in vivid detail...

Recalling each and every step and mis-step that have brought me to myself today.

My beloved friend, Jackie Summers, wrote quite an article over the weekend about emotional scars, which you can find here: http://jackfrombkln.blogspot.com/

In his piece, beautiful soul that Jax is, he delves into the mysteries of physical scars and why it is that as human beings, we are so willing to divulge every detail of how our outward scars came to be, and yet, when it comes to emotional scars, our tendencies are to hide them far and away from anyone except those we know most intimately.

I commented to Jax that, since he absolved those who suffered from outward disfigurement from pride in their physical scars, that sometimes, we are so emotionally scarred that we are disfigured on the inside and are, therefore, worthy of a hall pass.

He'd have no part of that.

Sometimes, I really dislike Jax and his built-in bullshitometer. ;)

So I have been intently talking with myself since Sunday...

Asking myself how it is that I became this mass of scar tissue on the inside...

That has turned into a cancer.

And, how it is that I break free.

I know where it started; about the year 2000...

I loved him with my entire heart...

He was intelligent, funny, caring, good to my children, good to my parents, an exceptional lover...

And, after I was too far into it to just walk away, I found he was tormented with mental illness...

An emotional scar he was able to hide from me with unbelievable talent...

A victim of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of his mother all those years ago, he was unable to love in a way I could accept, and I had no choice but to move on, even though my heart wanted to stay...

Months and months of pain, followed by months of self-doubt followed me, and then one night, I was on a date with a guy...

Who introduced me to a friend of his...

And, as I turned to shake the guy's hand, our eyes locked...

And, I KNEW.

Don't ask me how, but I knew.

It was literally like one of those scenes in a movie when the cameras are angled just right...

The lighting is perfect...

And, as the viewer, you KNOW this is the pivotal moment in the movie in which the story line you have come to see starts.

Yes. It was one of those moments...

And, even all these years later, it's one I will treasure until the day I die.

It ranks right there with the births of my children.

He was beautiful;

He was tall;

He was delightful to be around.

And, I loved him instantly.

And, he, me.

We had a beautiful life while it lasted.

I can never remember a time that, when either of us walked in the door, no matter how bad things were, that I wasn't truly glad to see him...

He lit my world.

But, people, I was scarred, and because I am human...

I didn't let him see.

The sad part is that, I believe he loved me enough that there was NOTHING that I could have ever confided in him that he couldn't have loved me through...

But, I didn't tell him...

And, eventually, I had woven a web of deceit to hide my disfigured inside from him.

I wasn't trying to be dishonest. I was simply trying to protect him from - me.

I loved him.

Oh, how I loved him.

How he loved me.

The end was horrific and public and...

Worse than anything I could ever describe to you.

Everything that was once so beautiful was suddenly disfigured beyond recognition...

And, I was left feeling a shell...

Abandoned by myself...

Abandoned by my love...

Abandoned by life...

Years have passed since then, and, yet...

Nothing has seemed worth the risk since then.

I remember years ago...

I'd have risked anything for him...

Anything.

Just to have remained...

On top of the world.

A Long December...

Oh, man, it's getting that time of year...

I've seen in on my street; in my neighborhood; in my town...

I've even seen it on Facebook.

People are decorating trees and houses and wrapping gifts...

All in anticipation of the 25th of December.

And, for me, it's a long December.

I fain excitement for those around me all wrapped up in the spirit of the season, but inside, where that spirit is supposed to dwell...

I dread.

I dread every second of it.

You show me pictures of your tree with gifts overflowing, and I think of mine...

All those years ago...

Five years ago, you'd have found my house aglow in the haze of clear lights and a tree that could rival ANYTHING you could find in ANY store...

And, I ain't kidding...

This girl can decorate like you've never seen.

Although, if you come to my house this year, I'd be hard pressed to prove it with the one poinsettia on the porch.

The pictures of gifts to overflowing make me sad, because a few years ago, I had a HUGE extended family to exchange with on Christmas Eve, and it is now limited to...

My two children.

They don't know it.

I never let it show...

But I LONG for Christmas Past...

When I had a houseful of kids and hope and excitement.

Where, on that ONE magical day, ANYTHING seemed possible..

And, even as an adult, I BELIEVED.

So, I've made an effort...

All traditions for Christmas have changed...

All my "single" friends come over on Christmas Eve and we have a gumbo and some laughs...

Christmas morning is STILL for my kids.

Kelsie still spends the night, although she and Camron have gotten too big to share a bed...

I still go jump on them about 4 a.m. on Christmas morning with the exclamation, "Get up! I don't know how you did it, but SANTA CAME TO SEE YOU! HURRY!"

And, they fake their disbelief that he still comes to see them...

They rise...

Wipe the sleep from their eyes...

And walk into the living room in "amazement" that, even though they didn't write to him this year, he knew EXACTLY what they wanted.

And, it is in those few hours with them, the two people on earth that have the power to pull me from my own darkness, I realize...

The true meaning of the season.

It's about family...

It's about food...

It's about laughter...

It's about faith.

Faith that the THIS year...

Might be better than the last.

Ah, yes, it is, indeed, a long December...

But once you get there, you wonder why you dreaded its arrival.

Life is beautiful.

Life is what you make it...

Even if it is a long December.

This one's just for me...

The girl that broke the mold and made her own way.

Each time I'm confronted with the beautiful disaster that is called my family, I have to face the fact...

I am not like them.

Nor will I ever be.

My four bedroom, three bath house was traded...

The precise second I found out he cheated.

You wanna stay?

Fine.

You stay.

I can't.

It's not that I WON'T.

It's that I CAN'T.

I'm not made the same as you...

So, it's ok...

Sit there with your marriage of 25 years...

Because I KNOW what happened 15 years ago.

Go ahead and judge me...

It's alright.

Seriously.

If looking at me makes you feel better, go ahead.

I ain't the one looking in the mirror every morning wondering what you're wondering...

And, I never will be.

My lumps, bumps and bruises are my own, and I claim them...

Each and every scar making me stronger than you could ever hope to be.

Sometimes I think maybe that's your problem...

That you are truly envious because I make my own rules...

And you sit there, acting content in a world that you don't understand.

That you don't trust...

That can, and most likely, will, collapse in front of you.

Wanna know the really sad part?

When that happens, I'll be there with you...

Holding your hand and walking you through the ruins of what used to be...

Even though that, as my world imploded around me, you weren't there...

Because I am STRONGER than you...

I always have been.

I always will be...

And, that thought alone causes you grief.

Because I already have decided that...

It's my life.

And, you sit there wondering where is yours.

Don't even TRY to make me feel less because I KNOW my road...

Hell, I PAVED that road...

So that one day, when you have to travel it...

It'll be a little less bumpy for you.

Because, sister, this is MY life.

Stop this Train...

"Stop this train! I wanna get off!"

Those words have moved through my mind for months now...

Life is moving at the speed of life, and me, the girl who can take care of it all, has been reduced to...

A passive observer.

I've almost gotten accustomed to that role...

Seriously.

In the last few months, I have become the guru of "Life is What Happens When You're Busy Living It"...

Doesn't matter.

I still hate it.

Stop this train.

I want to get off.

I want to enjoy every second of it...

Each look...

Each sound...

Each touch...

Today, I want time to stand still.

I want all movement to stop.

I want all past arguments...

All past transgressions...

To be gone.

Today, I realize what is important.

Won't someone stop this train?

I am only good at being young...

Nothing else...

This world is demanding more of me that I can give...

I am tired.

Won't someone stop this train?

I want to get off.

And, go home again...

Home...

Where my mother is well and good...

Where my dad is full of enlightenment and can handle anything that comes my way...

Home.

It makes me sad to realize "home" is no longer there.

"Home" is, now days, found in this rented house that I HATE...

"Home" is forever transformed and will NEVER be the same again...

Stop this train.

I want to get off.

And, go home again.

Won't someone stop this train?

A new chapter begins, and yet...

I'm not fully finished with the last chapter...

I've had no time to digest...

To discipher...

To accept...

The next curve ball.

Please.

Won't someone stop this train?

I want to get off.

And, go home again.

I'm only good at being young.

Seriously.

That's my only talent...

And, it's getting farther in the distance...

With every day.

Won't someone stop this train?

I wait on the day that it feels like it should.

Until then, I am begging you, anyone, to, please...

Stop this train.

Angels on the Moon...

This song has haunted me for the last two weeks.

Each time I hear it, my mind goes back, and in true writer fashion, I can imagine what words I want to weave to its lyrics to express what I'm feeling inside when I hear it.

Today, I write it, but damned if I know what I'm going to say.

Four months tomorrow...

Four months.

I've had no contact with him for four months.

There was a time when four days seemed an eternity.

By the end of the second day, I would have been a wreck, doing everything I could to bait him into saying something...anything...

And, tomorrow, I could try every trick in the book, and I'd get...nothing.

Four months.

I never once, since the day I met him, thought I'd ever live a day without him.

Last week, we all wrote "Love" on our arms.

I wore that word with pride.

I wore it for him.

I'd write it on my arm every day of the week if it would mean I could talk to him...

Just one more time.

Four months.

What did HE believe?

He believed in his niece.

He believed in his sister.

He believed in his mother.

He believed in love.

He believed in friendship.

He believed in family.

He believed in God.

He believed in Heaven.

He believed in Hell.

He believed in two girls from opposite ends of the country...

One, he loved, without shame, and with his entire heart...

The other, he loved and vowed to protect forever and ever, just as a brother protects his sister.

Neither any less, but in different ways...

And, he made sure they knew one another...

Would care for one another...

Because, my friends, he also believed his life would be brief.

So much I owe to him...

So much I can never repay...

With him, I had the relationship I've never had with my own brother.

Somewhere to go and just scream, "THE WORLD SUCKS, AND I AM TIRED, AND I AM SCARED!"

Four months.

I don't know that my calendar will ever creep toward that number "19" that it doesn't hit me...

There will never be another him.

Never.

He was the one and only...

The original...

The beginning...

The end.

He was my friend...

My angel on the moon.

I love you.

I miss you.

Forever and always...

I love you.

I carry your torch.

I believe in you still...

As long as I live, and as long as there is breath in me...

You live on.

My Angel on the Moon.

In My Daughter's Eyes...

You all know I'm her number one fan.

I always have been, and I always will be.

This "child", as I loosely must refer to her as these days...

Has taught me so much about love;

About life;

About forgiveness.

My only hope is that every parent can gaze upon their child and feel the sense of pride I feel when I look at her.

She is truly amazing.

There are no words fitting to express how I feel for her...

When I think of her, I am absolutely overcome.

How she turned out to be the unbelievable young adult she has grown to be leaves me awe-struck...

Designed by His hand...

Molded by mine...

And, people, mine was shaking with lack of confidence the entire time...

I am amazed.

In spite of me, she grew into the most beautiful of all souls I have ever encountered.

Times are tough right now...

For her.

For me.

But, my heart beats on...

It beats for her.

It beats for me.

She is simply the most pure soul I have ever had fortune to meet.

How in this world God granted me with such a special gift, I really don't know.

I hope she has recognized that I've taught her that when times are tough...

You NEVER give up...

When the world talks against you...

You NEVER back down...

And, when they least deserve it...

You FORGIVE.

I can only hope my child keeps that pureness of heart...

That the heart of forgiveness continues to beat within her.

That she is able to discern who is deserving of her forgiveness...

And, that with some, she must turn away.

My prayer is that God will protect my beautiful girl...

Giving her the tools that she needs to protect herself.

And, that one day, wisdom will be hers.

Because, to know her is, without doubt, a privilege...

It is NOT a right.

I can only hope that the way I see my daughter...

Is the way I'm seen...

In my daughter's eyes.

Shine On, You Crazy Diamond...

As I begin to type this post, I have to laugh.

My laughter is mainly because I know which of you are wondering if it is you I refer to as a "crazy diamond".

Let me assure you, if you THINK this is for you...

It probably is.

I have loved you...

I do love you...

And, your light continues to shine.

You may no longer be here...

Either by choice, or by circumstance, but YOU, and you ALONE...

Are my crazy diamond.

Those of you that are still here...

Those that have never left...

Let's get real...

You are here ONLY because, indeed, you are...

A crazy diamond.

Crazy attracts crazy, right?

And, to me, it does not matter.

I love you...

I have loved you...

For the individual that you are.

For the individual that you were...

And, in your absence have proven to me...

That you still are...

A crazy diamond.

It's a crazy world we live in, people.

A world none of us, back in our youth ever expected to know...

A world where we know one another better than those in our "real life" will EVER know.

And, yet, we have never met.

Face to face.

The fact is, we probably never will.

And, yet, the loss of one of our own can unite us;

Bond us together in grief no on else can understand;

THIS is our community.

I remember my most favorite of all crazy diamonds...

And, as for as long as I live...

And walk this earth...

His diamond shines.

That light will NEVER dim...

As long as there is breath in me.

Today, I am thinking of the other "third" and "fourth" of "us"...

Two other beautiful, crazy diamonds.

I am in awe when I look back and think, "They are all I have left."

All I have left in this world that, four years ago was foreign to me.

But, somehow, the four of us connected...

In a way I think no one else can understand.

My crazy diamonds.

That still "get" me...

That understand...

That defend...

When even I don't want to anymore.

It surprised me today when I felt so all alone and realized it was in my virtual world that I felt alone...

Abandoned...

Totally alone.

Today, for the first time, I realized I no longer have his protection with me...

Today, for the first time, I was really scared.

Today, for the first time, I realized...

Once I stopped feeling sorry for myself...

That...

He left me with an arsenal.

There are three of us "originals" left...

HOWEVER...

He left us with a HUGE SUPPLY...

Of those he knew would love us...

Accept us...

Protect us...

When no one else would.

He gave us an entire, immeasurable count of...

Crazy diamonds.

I promise I will continue to shine.

As long as all of you promise to continue to shine...

You crazy diamonds.