Saturday, January 29, 2011

I Forgot...




We stood there in my mother's driveway for what seemed forever. I hadn't seen him in weeks, and honestly, the days between our separation seemed to be just what I needed to remind me that I wasn't built for this...

That I didn't care...

That nothing could touch me.

In a moment of non-thinking, I told him, "You smell so good," as my face cradled into his neck and I breathed his very essence.

"I've been at work all day," he mumbled into my ear.

Without thinking, I spoke aloud my thought, "I know. It smells like you, and I love that."

Dammit.

I had revealed my cards before I even realized it.

He had me, and he knew it. From there, I'd just have to trust him with my emotions.

I hated that part. I always have. I have never wanted anyone to know they had any emotional power over me whatsoever, and there I was, as if wrapping it in pretty paper and putting a ginormous ribbon around it.

What he would do from it from there was up to him, and I was forced to just stand there, my face buried in his chest until he spoke...

Because as we all know, the first to speak is the first loser.

And, he said...

Nothing.

For minutes, he said nothing.

Unable to take it any longer, I spoke up, "So, do you want to stand here forever like this, or are you going to let me go?"

I heard the words, "I don't know, but for right now, this is perfect."

I said nothing, but only stood there in his arms until his grip loosened.

I had been here before...

The absolute reality of life's reality hitting me slam in the face to the point that I was speechless.

I was so very aware...

I had given my power away...

And, I was his.

He could do with me what he wanted, and I would stand there and take it.

He had me.

He knew it, and I knew it.

I am so very, very grateful he treated my words with the respect they deserved.

It was him...

Nothing else. Just...him...

That had me wrangling for words.

For all words that were spoken, so many more had been unspoken, and the heaviness of the air admitted that truth.

So, where from here?

I don't know...

No clue.

But, I'll ride, because he drives...

And, at long last, I trust him.

And for as much as I've worked to prove him not worth my trust, he has proved that he actually is.

So, for now until forever, no matter what, I'll remember the exact moment that, for the third time in my lifetime, I realized I was in love...

And, I will hold it close to my heart, and even though it may fall apart tomorrow, I will hold that moment close, and I will never, ever forget...

That I forgot to tell you I loved you.

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