Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Good-Night, My Angel
A life-saver of an unexpected call came through today from one of my closest friends.
We made some small talk, and then she asked the question which was actually the purpose of her call.
"How are you?"
"I'm no so good, Kim," I choked out as the hot tears built up behind my eyes.
From there, I caught her up on the events of the last few days since we had talked, and in the true spirit of friendship, as the unbelievable twists and turns of my past couple weeks came from me, we laughed; we cried; we evaluated the situation; we discussed it; and, for the time being, we resolved it.
I remember at one time wondering how it was possible she could hear me. My voice was literally choked with emotion to the point everything I said was just above a whisper.
It didn't matter.
She is my friend.
She knew exactly what I was saying without even hearing it.
She knows the burden on my heart and how it is pressing me to my absolute limit.
She knows all the loss and pain I've been through in the past few months.
She knows I am upside down in a tail-spin and I don't know how to find my way out.
She knows I am helpless.
And, she knows that for me to know I am helpless in a battle leaves me even more crippled.
She is my friend for no other reason than that she loves me. I don't know that I've ever done anything to deserve that kind of love.
I continued on, "Kim, I've always been so foolish. I watched everyone else I know fight their battles and I truly thought that, for whatever reason, I have always been one of the 'lucky' ones. I'm not. I never have been. My battles were just saved for later in life."
And, we both agreed that at some point in all our lives, we are all called upon to dance with the devil.
I want off this dancefloor.
He continues moving to the beat.
He is truly disfigured beyond recognition and I am not enjoying his company.
Is life truly unfair?
I can't say.
In my time on this earth, I've been blessed; I've been hurt; I've been up; I've been down.
It just may simply be "my turn".
Maybe this time, the girl that always lands on her feet will crash land.
I'm just not sure.
This battle that has been waged against me has threatened to take everything that means something to me.
So many questions.
So many fears.
So many doubts.
And, quite possibly for the first time in my entire life, I am truly scared.
But, as ever, I will go on, knowing that this, too, shall pass.
I will go on because of the love of the people that surround me.
And, to those that elude me, good-night, my angels.
Where ever you may go; No matter where you are, I never will be far away.