“It is a time when one's spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death.” ~ Mark Twain
I believe I sincerely am more tired than I have ever been in my life.
The exhaustion is complete: mental; physical; and emotional.
I have been on auto-pilot for the last week, completing the bare minimum of all tasks to sustain the existence of those in my household.
I'm not complaining.
I'm simply stating fact.
I remember awaking on Saturday and the overwhelming sense of loneliness that enveloped me...
For the first time in years, I actually missed being married.
I remember the thought, "If I was married, I could roll over in this bed to my husband who would understand."
I could have found comfort there.
Saturday morning, there was no sanctuary.
There was a simple clock that ticked and tocked, reminding me that I had somewhere to be.
There was no understanding...
There was no comforting...
There was no affirmation.
Only the sound of the clock.
No one cared that I was tired...
No one was there to hold me and tell me everything would be ok...
No one to offer to take my place.
Suddenly, I felt so very, very vulnerable.
So very, very alone.
So very, very isolated from the rest of the world.
Slipping in past bedtime each night to fall into the sheets, only to awaken to a frantic rush has weakened me.
In the rare moments of silence, I wrestle with myself.
It's a battle I'll never really win, because you see, my two dominate personality traits are in direct conflict with one another...
One part of me is kind, understanding, sympathetic and unstoppable in a time of crisis.
The other part of me is bitter, resentful, quick-tempered and willing to throw her hands up in the air and quit.
The mild-mannered part of me always wins in the end.
Leaving the other part of me frustrated with myself.
I remember one time a few years back when I awoke with fever and felt the same lonesome feeling deep within I feel right now...
It lasted until the fever broke.
This will, too.
And, when this "fever" breaks, I'll come back stronger and more prepared than ever.
I'll have more experience than I did the day before, and I'll know.
I'll tell myself, "You made it through this. You can certainly make it through that."
But, sometimes, in the darkness, where I find my honest self, I just can't help but feel like...
And old violin.