Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Hallelujah....



Can I tell you people I've heard this song a million times before and it always spoke to me, but it wasn't until about ten minutes ago, I actually heard the lyrics?

Once you hear the lyrics, to the wandering heart like me, the words REALLY begin talking.

How awesome the words would come together with the thought...

Today, of all days.

Last night was a strange night, indeed, in my house.

The boy was up with his head, which awoke me around one, and before things settled back down and I was, once again, in the sanctity of the warmth of my bed, it was near three.

Funny thing about being up and down and up and down again...

It gives your mind time to wander.

And, wander, my mind did.

It wandered over years and years and miles and miles.

In that time, I saw and spoke with husbands past...

Friends past...

Boyfriends past...

And, friends present.

As my eyes closed, blessedly in slumber, my heart realized something...

It wants what it wants.

What I turned away a few months ago, maybe it wants back...

Maybe it's not there any longer...

I don't know.

Only time will tell.

Maybe what was once there years ago is gone and it's never coming back...

And, it's time I accept it.

Maybe things change only because they cannot remain the same.

Maybe the secret to life is to be ever-evolving...

Maybe the key to happiness is in my hands.

Maybe it's time I let go and run free.

Maybe.

Love, my friends, is ever-escaping and long-suffering.

What is true love?

Can anyone tell me really?

My definition of love is my mother...

Devoting her life to my dad...

Even though, most days, lately, he lives in a world that no longer exists.

It's no matter to her.

To her, he's her husband, and she will be there.

It brings a tear to my eye to realize that I may well have discarded any chance on earth anyone would ever exhibit that undying devotion to me.

In her heart, Mother remembers...

When he was strong and tall and protective.

Today, she is called upon to be strong and tall and protective.

And, my friends, that is love.

Love lives within a girl in Michigan.

She pines for what might have been.

Life no longer holds the shine for her it did six months ago.

She cries...

She grieves...

And, no matter how much we love her or hold her close...

We cannot compare.

Seems silly to some, but to her - to him, really...

It was as real as what most of you have within your own home.

Love is an enigma.

My 17 year-old thinks he's found love...

And, maybe he has.

I don't think so, but who is to judge...

If she can love him...

Through his insecurities...

Through his failures...

Through his successes...

Through life, who am I to say no?

Although all that is in me screams, "NO!"

Perhaps, my friends, I am learning...

Today, what I know is that I know nothing.

Nothing.

I am re-committed, as of today.

I WILL discover me.

I WILL allow myself to feel..

I WILL allow myself to open...

I WILL allow the world around me to discover...ME.

I've been hiding...

I've been lurking...

For far too long.

Come get me, world...

I'm a-waitin'!

Hallelujah!

6 comments:

  1. Great read. The part about your father really reminds me of the last ten or so years of my grandfather's life. This was the man that was the strongest man, the one you looked up to. But to see him fail and not feel like a man was horrifying. My grandmother lived this same story you describe.

    You can't change the past. It's the past for a reason. All you can do is chug forward and be the best person you can.

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  2. My dad is my ENTIRE heart. He's had a long, long row the last few years. My wish for my dad is rest and peace. I've resolved myself to where he goes from here. I am forever grateful he's been given the "gift" of no longer really realizing. I only wish my mom could be spared that harse reality.

    I will forever judge love by my parents' love. It's a shame, too, I do believe, as few can measure up.

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  3. Well sweet Hallelujah!

    And that's all I'm gonna say about that ;)

    Other than this was beautiful as always...

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  4. Your reminds me of post I word have written two years ago. I wish I could say things have changed, perhaps they have-- change is a slow and constant process.

    We don't know when that final breath will be. We don't know who will be with us at that moment. Over the last 5 years I've surrounded myself with people I believe in.

    None of them are that one true love. None of them are more then friends. A committed bunch they are. If I can leave a mark amongst them, than I have done something right.

    I guess what I am saying is perhaps when you are their for others you won't have to worry if someone will be there for you.

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  5. Hi there, Pam... found my way here from your comment on Bathwater's impactation post... (is that a word?)

    Your care and compassion for your Dad is so wonderful... there was a time when I would have defined "love" by what my Mom and Dad had... and then crap hit... but I do believe it is there... I guess we have to be willing to suspend our fears of being hurt... or used... or discarded...

    Peace to you...

    ~shoes~

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  6. Life changes all the time.High points, low points,..worry is constant...about your future, your kids, ....it's scary ...and lonely...but it's amazing. Learning makes it so because there is so much to learn. Loving makes it good too. Recognize opportunities for love. The universe speaks to you all of the time...you just have to know how to listen. .....This is the universe speaking....

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