To the Top of the World...

For the past few days, I've reviewed the last 12 years of my life in vivid detail...

Recalling each and every step and mis-step that have brought me to myself today.

My beloved friend, Jackie Summers, wrote quite an article over the weekend about emotional scars, which you can find here: http://jackfrombkln.blogspot.com/

In his piece, beautiful soul that Jax is, he delves into the mysteries of physical scars and why it is that as human beings, we are so willing to divulge every detail of how our outward scars came to be, and yet, when it comes to emotional scars, our tendencies are to hide them far and away from anyone except those we know most intimately.

I commented to Jax that, since he absolved those who suffered from outward disfigurement from pride in their physical scars, that sometimes, we are so emotionally scarred that we are disfigured on the inside and are, therefore, worthy of a hall pass.

He'd have no part of that.

Sometimes, I really dislike Jax and his built-in bullshitometer. ;)

So I have been intently talking with myself since Sunday...

Asking myself how it is that I became this mass of scar tissue on the inside...

That has turned into a cancer.

And, how it is that I break free.

I know where it started; about the year 2000...

I loved him with my entire heart...

He was intelligent, funny, caring, good to my children, good to my parents, an exceptional lover...

And, after I was too far into it to just walk away, I found he was tormented with mental illness...

An emotional scar he was able to hide from me with unbelievable talent...

A victim of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of his mother all those years ago, he was unable to love in a way I could accept, and I had no choice but to move on, even though my heart wanted to stay...

Months and months of pain, followed by months of self-doubt followed me, and then one night, I was on a date with a guy...

Who introduced me to a friend of his...

And, as I turned to shake the guy's hand, our eyes locked...

And, I KNEW.

Don't ask me how, but I knew.

It was literally like one of those scenes in a movie when the cameras are angled just right...

The lighting is perfect...

And, as the viewer, you KNOW this is the pivotal moment in the movie in which the story line you have come to see starts.

Yes. It was one of those moments...

And, even all these years later, it's one I will treasure until the day I die.

It ranks right there with the births of my children.

He was beautiful;

He was tall;

He was delightful to be around.

And, I loved him instantly.

And, he, me.

We had a beautiful life while it lasted.

I can never remember a time that, when either of us walked in the door, no matter how bad things were, that I wasn't truly glad to see him...

He lit my world.

But, people, I was scarred, and because I am human...

I didn't let him see.

The sad part is that, I believe he loved me enough that there was NOTHING that I could have ever confided in him that he couldn't have loved me through...

But, I didn't tell him...

And, eventually, I had woven a web of deceit to hide my disfigured inside from him.

I wasn't trying to be dishonest. I was simply trying to protect him from - me.

I loved him.

Oh, how I loved him.

How he loved me.

The end was horrific and public and...

Worse than anything I could ever describe to you.

Everything that was once so beautiful was suddenly disfigured beyond recognition...

And, I was left feeling a shell...

Abandoned by myself...

Abandoned by my love...

Abandoned by life...

Years have passed since then, and, yet...

Nothing has seemed worth the risk since then.

I remember years ago...

I'd have risked anything for him...

Anything.

Just to have remained...

On top of the world.