Monday, August 17, 2009

Tell Me Why...




So many times I ask myself this question.

It's just one word...

"Why?"

Today, this very day, more than ever, I realize I do not know why...

I am just so grateful I got to be part of your beginning...

Your middle...

Your end...

Everyone tells me that in time, it will get better, but I respectfully disagree...

Time has passed...

And...

It does not get better.

I am only left with more questions...

Such as, "Why?"

And, you are quiet.

And, you will never answer.

And, that's ok with me.

You really don't have to.

As much as I hurt, I understand.

I understand...

Probably even more than I want to pretend...

I understand...

Just exactly...

Why.

What I don't understand is the reason why you didn't reach out.

Dial my number.

I'd have answered.

I always did.

Did you really think it was too big for me to understand?

Seriously.

From the moment I met you, I knew you...

I understood you...

I'd have gotten it.

I always did.

This would have been no different.

Oh, sweet angel, couldn't you see?

You really couldn't, could you?

My life is so empty without you.

I hate it...

I get up...

I go on...

And, yet...

You are not here with me.

Everything I know is so foreign...

I find comfort nowhere...

I have no home, because you are gone.

I busy myself doing what it is I think you'd want me to do...

Only to question myself...

My actions...

Our entire relationship.

Seriously.

Oh my God, didn't you know I loved you?

Didn't you know that losing you would kill me?

Didn't you know I'm not as strong as you as always thought?

I'm not.

You overestimated me...

I only wish I were half the person you thought I was.

Oh, sweet sunshine, didn't you get it?

I am nothing without you.

You were always my strength...

You were always my voice...

You were everything I am not and never will be...

And, I just want to know...

Why?

8 comments:

  1. Sharon Fisher-BascoAugust 17, 2009 at 8:13 PM

    Pam, I must have missed something here. But from what I gather you lost someone really important in your life. I sympathize with you. I empythize with you. For I know how it feels. And some days are so damn overwhelming, it hurts to breath. But then you do, and you go on. I know it don't seem possible, but you will. I love you!

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  2. Ah, Sharon. This is so hard. We'll talk later. You know him. You just dont' realize it right now.

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  3. Eric, you have a Swiller hug...

    Thank you.

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  4. Oh, Pam...I am so sorry...for the loss, for the hurt, for the emptiness, for that feeling of, "There must have been, should have been something I could have done..."

    If there's ever anything I can do, any way I can help...if you need someone to just listen...I'm around.

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  5. I am at loss for words, if you knew me well, you would say, "That is impossible!"

    Pam you have such an amazing gift of the written word, they hold such depth, vision and emotions.

    Gentle Hugs to you Pam.


    <3


    Linda

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  6. I know...

    Love you Pam.

    Call me anytime, I think we're good for each other.

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  7. I am at a loss for words... Part of the reason I love to read what you write is because it makes me feel like I am feeling what you are feeling... As I read this I am crying... and my heart aches for you. I love you.. and I am sending the biggest and the best hugs ever to you right now...

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