Wednesday, August 12, 2009

In that Sleepy Little Town....

Yanno, people, I like to think I am above my raising...

Sometimes; however, life slaps me in the face and I'm brought back to the reality of the fact that...






Let's go back to Sunday...

Now, follow me here, because I know some of you reading are new, and you have never heard of Cherie...

Cherie has been my best friend since I was 18 years old.

Every, single second of my adult life has been shared with her, either in person or by blow-by-blow description...

And, the last two years, there have been alot of blow-by-blow replays, because Cherie moved about an hour from here, exactly two years ago.

And, on Sunday, I got a call from her.

"I'm coming into town on Tuesday. Have clean sheets."

"Ok. What's up?"

"Joey's daddy died. The funeral is Wednesday."

Now, let's back up...

Cherie worked with Joey since we were 25. The thought of my sweet friend losing his dad broke my heart, so I go on...

"Ok, I'll check the paper for the right time, because yours will be wrong. I'll put it on my calendar. I'll have a clean bed, but I ain't cookin'."

"You have to. I'll be hungry."

"Yeah, and Sonic is around the corner."

Jump forward to this morning at 9:45 a.m.

Cherie and I met at Walgreen's, because, in reality, even when she called on Sunday, I knew she was not coming to town last night. I knew she was driving in this morning.

In fact, I didn't even wash the sheets.

So, I jump in her car and we are headed to the funeral home, chatting all the way about sweet Joey and how much we were hurting for him.

I look at her, "I don't guess we've seen each other in two months!"

"Nope. Four. I was just counting it up."

"You've lost weight!" I exclaimed.

"God, no. It's a mother fucking Spanks, and I am mother fucking dying."

"Dip shit! That stuff is no good during summer. What the hell is wrong with you? Driving all day in that? You're a retard."

"Yep, but for that one roll of back fat that won't go in, I'm a thin-looking retard."

"Ok. I'll give you that. You win."

So, we get into the parking lot of the funeral home, and I'll save you the story about the complete stranger that came to my door and scared the living hell out of me trying to open it to be, what I presume, gentlemanly...

And, we walk in...

And, people, let me tell you what, and God forgive me for the disrespect...

The. freaks. were. on. parade...

Freak Number 1 was, in fact, our dear friend's wife...

Cherie and I exchanged glances as we walked into the state room and she shook her head...

She could read my mind.

She was telling me with that shake of her head, "She is not pregnant."

I give her that look that says, "Yes. She is."

She looks back and her eyes tell me, "No. It's just a pudge."

My eyes ask her, "Why in the hell isn't she in the Spanks?"

Her eyes say, "Because she just....isn't."

Jump forward 10 minutes. We are sitting in rocking chairs on the outside walkway when Freak Number 1 comes outside with us and it is then that I notice Fashion Violation number two...

Once again, I glance over at Cherie...

She mouths, "I see it."

My eyes look at her and ask, "WTF?"

Her eyes say back, "I don't know."

My eyes say, "I know she's cheating now. She's in a thong."

Her eyes say, "Her biggest crime is wearing a thong in knit."

My eyes say, "No. Correction. Thongs that are two sizes too small while wearing knit."

Her head acknowledges I'm correct, and soon after we file inside to the chapel.

And, people, it is so cold inside there, it's scary.

We laugh about sitting on one another's lap for warmth, but it's an uncomfortable laugh, because I really do think I may need her body draped across my front to keep me warm.

Never to worry; however, because two couples sit in front of us to block the draft.

Only when we are no longer frightened of dying from exposure do we notice the music...

It's definitely gospel, because I recognize the melody...

But, yet...

It has a definite beat.

And, you can dance to it...

She looks at me, "What is up with that music?"

I whisper back, "I have the sudden urge to two-step, and I don't even know how."

And, suddenly, her eyes catch it...

She looks at me, and glances immediately in front of me...

I follow her eyes and I see it...

Our savior from the cold...

Our knight in shining armor...

In his three-piece suit...

With. the. label. still. on. his. left. arm...

Has now become Freak Number 2...

I look at her and ask, "Where is my ticket book, because I need to issue three citations immediately, and that doesn't even include the chicks in here with closed- toe shoes or panty hose!"

We giggle.

I look back at her...

"Seriously. I've never heard gospel music in such a way that I feel I need a drink and a cigarette and a dance floor. Swear to God, I am about to bust out in the Electric Slide."

Sad part is, I was serious.

Even worse. She knew it.

Worse than that?

The family filed in to a most uplifting version of "How Great Thou Art"...

Oddly enough, I thought about that wedding dance video passing around, and I had to stiffle a chuckle...







At some point, I looked at her and told her, "I'm gonna go dick punch that dude if he doesn't shut up."

("That Dude" is Freak Number 3.)

He was giving the eulogy.

I wasn't kidding.

I had grandiose ideas of getting up and punching him straight in the baby maker.

I mean, seriously, it couldn't have made it any more tacky, right?

And, thankfully, EVERYONE was through talking and the preacher took the podium...







Because, you see, it had already been said by Speaker Number 1, Freak Number 3 and Speaker Number 3...

We said a prayer...

And, we were gone.

All in the utmost respect, of course...


  1. OMG,this is just PRICELESS!
    I've been to a funeral like that...more of a freak parade than a final tribute to the deceased.
    Ever seen hairy legs in nylons?
    Ever seen a woman who looks like she has 2 pigs wrestling under a blanket on her ass?

  2. Wrong Pam is back. I love her.

    I love you big,
    Freak #16 (aka Purse Dialer)