Thursday, August 6, 2009

Tears In Heaven...




Aw, man, it's been a long couple of weeks, right?

Yeah. I know. I've been here.

I've felt it; I've refused to feel it; I've bathed in it; I've cried over it; I've rejected it...

Oh my God, people, how I have hurt...

But, then again, I didn't have to tell you that.

You all knew.

I loved him.

I adored him.

I would have given everything just to protect him.

And, all along, you all knew that.

Just as you knew he'd have done it all for me.

I really don't know that my heart will ever heal and I will be whole again...

Not melodramatic...

Just...simple truth.

Yanno, I've spent the last 16 days thinking about all of us...

About him...

About me...

And, the one thing I have realized is that losing him is the single hardest thing I've ever been asked to do...

Not because my physical life was affected...

Because, in reality, it wasn't...

But, because my heart was changed on the day he left me.

There is a hole there that no one can fill...

Ever.

Which got me to thinking about all of you...

About him...

About me...

And about how all this started nearly 4 years ago...

But for a writing experiment I had decided to become part of, I may have missed out...

I just may have exchanged my role in my comfortable, predictable physical world...

For the one that awaited me...

And, it awaited me with open arms.

Because, you see, it had help from my friend...

A little guy from Canada that just grabbed on to my words and held them to his heart...

And, his words grabbed mine...

And, from there, we became a duo...

With ferosity, protecting one another...

Not because the other deserved it, but because we wanted to.

Oh my God. I loved him.

And, how he loved me.

I feel him here with me.

He speaks to me.

He tells me I'm wrong...

He tells me I'm messing up...

Not much different than before, except that it's not a phone call this time...

It's a voice that sits beside me, everyday, and demands that I change.

Virtual grief is just as hard and just as real as physical grief.

I look, and my life is right...

I have my job...

I have my children...

Nothing "looks" wrong.

But, inside, where it counts, EVERYTHING is wrong.

My phone won't go off at 3:00 am. anymore...

My IM won't go off at 2:00 a.m. anymore...

And, even on the off chance that it does, I think it's him.

It's not...

And, it never will be again.

Ever.

That part is so hard.

It rips me apart.

But, I hold on to hope.

He is at peace...

We are at war: internally and with one another...

Please...

Let's rest.

Just for now...

Let's rest.

Most of you, I will never lay my eyes upon.

That does not mean you are less...

Because, my friends, I loved him...

And, yet, I was never able to see him...

To hug him...

To touch him...

But, he was real.

He was part of my life.

He was my bright spot.

He made my life better...

You all do, too.

My promise to you is that I love you.

If you are part of my world, I love you.

I carry parts of you with me, all day, every day...

Please know that.

Please know I love you.

And, one day, I will see you...

In Heaven.

9 comments:

  1. It's beautiful, Pam. And heartbreaking. He would be so pissed.

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  2. Losing him and watching you process this grief has taught me so much. So many things are so much more real to me and I no longer deny the importance and impact of the people who touch my life from a distance. Is that a good thing? Sometimes I'm not sure. I don't want to go through this again and there is a part of me that says I can avoid it if I just shut off the computer and walk away...but how much love and happiness would be missing if I did that?
    Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me. Very beautiful and a nice reminder of why I can't just shut off the computer and walk away. ((((HUGS))))

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  3. Absolutely, painfully beautiful. He was an entity that no one will ever be able to be classified as, unique, and never realized his vast influence on so many, the impact he had on the greater good. I am not speaking in platitudes, for the young man was wise, well read, versed in many topics. Pain and emptiness is all around us. He reached out and connected with so many folks, of all ages, Race Creed and Religion, it amazes me daily, as I read another comment, or another phrase written.

    I think of that special lady- and her pain, not unlike yours in many ways, almost as if you were identical twins, of sorts.

    There will be no one like him, for I feel he walked into many lives, at a time when folks needed guidance, and left when his work was done. He left this Earth, when he saw all would be well, and one day, we will all meet again, but for now, each of us stumbles through the dark, wondering how to move to the next day.

    Thank you Pam, from the bottom of my heart and every fiber of my being. You are truly an amazing woman......


    Hugs Linda

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  4. Pam, I've been thinking so much about you. As always, your writing is raw and honest and stirring - except it's difficult to read because I know the pain in every word is so real.

    I think it's going to hurt for awhile - and that's okay - virtual or not you have lost someone you loved. Take it slow. Understand how much you're loved and the part you will play in continuing this story because it isn't over and you have a lot more to write and a lot more to do.

    Most of all, hang on. The sun will never come out in quite the same way again, but it will, eventually, shine.

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  5. I think the biggest lesson we all learned from this is that we're not just "words on a screen". We all make a huge impact on everyone around us, for better or worse.

    Even his sworn enemies were amazed to read about him, and how caring, protective and sympathetic he was, and they couldn't seem to hold that same grudge they had before.

    It's ok to hurt and to cry.
    There's no time limit on how long you are supposed to mourn a loss. This is immesurable.

    But it's going to be OK, Pam.

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  6. i've been a quiet observer.. didn't want to tread where i didn't belong. and i know that you know that i love you. and you know that i know that you love me. it's certain that he knows that you love him and you KNOW he loves you.

    i'm so sorry pam.

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  7. Pam... as I told you earlier...I had no idea... not sure how I did not see... but I am sorry.. I love you!! and of course am here for you always.

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  8. I love you and I am so sorry for your (and the world's)loss. I'm glad he is not in pain any more and only hope he now knows how many lives he truly touched. We all matter.

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