Time...

One day, I'm sure I'll quit writing about this...

One day.

Just not today...

I worry that some will think I am sitting, just marinating in pain...

I worry that those that know me best will be concerned I am showing no progress...

I worry that those I grieve with most will worry I'm moving too quickly.

For all of you, I ask you to please do not worry about me.

I am fine.

I truly, truly am.

I just need...

Time.

I think back, and in my memory, I am 4 years old...

With the worst haircut any child could ever imagine having...

A gift from my drunken father with an electric razor, if memory serves me correctly...

Strange.

At 42, I only remember, "Do you want your hair to be cut," being asked by my father.

And, me, at the tender age of 4, not knowing I should mistrust an electric razor held by a shaking hand, saying, "OK!"

And, people, I had a buzz cut.

I remember mourning those golden locks that I had just been admiring in the mirror.

I'm pretty sure I was thinking I looked just like Mary on "Mary Tyler Moore"...

Not anymore...

Then, I am in the third grade, arguing with the girl that lives next door about who has the best Barbie Motor Home...

Mine is in color.

Hers is not.

She insists hers is best, because she had hers first.

I remember my sister telling me, "She's just jealous. Ignore her."

I choose to do just that, because, obviously mine was better...

My flowers were pink. Hers were brown.

Then, I am 12, playing softball...

And, people, I so seriously sucked at it...

No hand/eye coordination...

A non-talent, which follows me to this day.

Matter of a fact, my children are so athletic that, at times, I wonder how it is that they can be mine...

And, yet, they are.

But, yes, we were talking about softball...

And, I remember seeing my mother in those bleachers...

I was never going to touch that field...

But...

My mother was there.

Watching me...

In the dugout.

There was not a snowball's chance in hell I was hitting the field, but my mother was there...

Just in case three of my team mates all broke their arms and I just happened to be needed...

I jump forward...

I am 20 and just about to be married when I hear the nurses voice tell me, "Pam, it's positive, babe."

And, with those four words, my life changed...

I was no longer fighting for me...

I had a larger reason to fight.

Something that was bigger than me and that I could not understand.

I have never quit that fight.

And, I never will...

She needs me...

Even now, at the age of 21, she needs me.

He needs me.

He's so big and tall and strong and handsome...

But, he still needs me.

I will soldier on...

Because of him...

Because of her...

And, because of the love I have for the two of them, I have learned about unconditional love for others...

Perhaps, he was my first true experiment outside of the maternal bond...

He needed me.

I needed him.

Like a mother tiger protected her cubs, I protected him...

And, like a lion protecting his den, he protected me...

From that moment on, my life changed...

I realized what it was to truly open your heart and soul and innermost thoughts to someone, without regard for what the world thought...

Because, to him, it didn't matter.

All that mattered to him was that I was ok.

And, today, one month later, I promise him that I am ok.

There is no need to worry for me...

I am ok.

All I need is...

Time.