Forever Young...

"This is not as strange as you think it is, sweetie. You lost your friend. Your life is different. Your problem is accepting that you have the right to grieve. It's ok to hurt; It's ok to accept; It's ok to heal. Time, and only time, will tell you when it's time to proceed. I really think you're expecting to much from yourself too soon. Right now, we just need to give you a little first aid, and the rest will fall in place. Are you ok with that?"

I held onto the tissue I had grabbed from the box and just looked at her...

Through my haze of tears, I was trying to guess her age and thinking, secretly, that she was crazier than I was...

But, I obliged her. "Ok."

And, for the first time in over a month, I listened to someone other than myself.

I was given suggestions on how to get through the next week until I would see her again on the following Friday.

I committed them to memory, promising myself I would put them into practice as soon as I left her office.

Our time together ended, and I walked through the waiting room, embarassed for the couple that had come in behind me.

Obviously, they were married and seeking counseling...

I purposefully did not glance their way, nor they, mine.

I walked out into the sprinkling rain that had begun, and for the first time...

In a long time...

I had a hopeful smile on my lips.

I realized I COULD do this...

I realized I WASN'T crazy...

I realized I WOULD be ok...

And, this time, it was with permission.

I could decide to be ok and not feel as though I were betraying him.

He would want me to heal...

According to her, if I only opened my heart and my mind, I was surrounded by him every second of every day...

I only just needed to allow myself to see him there.

According to her, he's that voice that guides me...

The one that I've heard loudest in the last month...

The one that tells me, "do this", and "don't do that"...

According to her, that is him talking to me.

According to her, our relationship is not over.

It is now, simply, on another plain...

And, I must tune myself in to that.

And, in reality, if I really think about it and get honest with myself...

A spiritual relationship is all he and I ever really had, anyway.

Except, according to her, our relationship has reached a whole new level...

And, I should embrace it now...

Because, before, we had never interacted physically...

According to her, now, he is all around me...

A luxury his physical life never gave me.

We talked about him...

I told her of how much I loved him...

I told her of his innocence...

I told her of his hopes...

His dreams...

And, in the end, how they were squelched by something stronger than him;

And, stronger than me, or anyone else that loved him.

According to her, although this is hard for anyone to accept, we should be joyful...

He is free.

According to her, none of us really know the confines of that magnitude of illness, and we are not fit to judge...

Only he knew what he was feeling...

Just as I only know what I am feeling.

According to her, I have a champion now...

Someone who will move heaven and earth to protect me;

And, I should be glad...

Many a person in this world has never been fortunate enough to have a guardian angel like me...

According to her, I should smile instead of cry...

According to me, I think I will trust her...

Because, only then, does he remain...

Forever young.