You'll Be in My Heart...

2009 has NOT been my year.

Anyone that knows me can attest to that.

It started ok...

It did...

Everyone was in place, just as they should have been...

The promise of relationships deepening was in the air...

Love abounded around me, and, as ever, I was in awe.

I coasted on that feeling, but as someone very wise told me, just today even, "When the seas are calm are when you need to be worrying. Complacency is your enemy."

May brought new worries, but nothing life-threatening.

My dad's health had taken a turn that needed addressing, and although that was hard, my family overcame.

The one thing I thought I couldn't make it through, life proved to me I could.

I could adjust what I could control, but it was those that I couldn't control that, by mid-year, had me concerned...

As, you all know, what I couldn't control is what got me.

July brought changes to me like I never knew could change me...

As I faced uncharted water, I began to realize what I was really made of...

Steel.

Many, many times, I thought I was broken...

But my spirit sucker-punched me and made me realize I was NOT broken, and quite likely, I was UNBREAKABLE...

And, people, about July, as hard as it was to face, was when life opened itself up to me and I was finally able to burst out of the cocoon I had built around the walls of my heart and actually LIVE...

And, don't get me wrong...

Part of me died in July, and that part is never coming back...

It lives only in my heart, and to be honest, in my heart is where it needs to live...

That part of my heart is the one part that cannot EVER be tarnished...

It will forever be living...

It will forever be innocent...

It will forever be young.

Forever.

That part of my heart is my bright spot...

Where I go when I need to KNOW I'm ok...

Believe it or not, that one memory keeps me on track.

Forever.

I love you, buddy. Now and then and always...

I love you.

You'll be in my heart.

And, as we know it, with each loss comes new life...

When it seemed my heart was dead, a bud began to grow...

That bud grew into a tree...

Through death, life began to transform...

Old heartbreaks were healed...

New friendships were formed...

And, bonds that should have never been formed were broken...

All leading me to my today.

I don't know what it is about the promise of a new year that excites me...

ANYTHING is possible.

Anything.

For me AND for you...

Today, I talked to an old friend...

I really adore him...

I've never told him that, but I think he knows it.

He told me, "You changed me."

A bigger honor I cannot imagine ever receiving.

Hey, you, you're in my heart, too.

We had a rough road, but you never left my heart.

And, you live there still.

I face 2010 with the knowledge that this will be a year of loss for me...

My dad is fading fast...

And, as much as it hurts me, I'm ready.

Not for me, but for him.

He's ready.

To keep him here, to me, seems cruel.

I love you, PawPaw...

"About yay-big and around and around and around..."

You've always loved me and for no reason...

I've loved you because you've been my dad.

You've been my constant champion and righter of all my wrongs...

For no other reason but that you loved me, too.

I will let you go in love and peace.

I will let you go with honor.

You will, without doubt, forever be in my heart.

Then, now and always...

You will live in my heart.

When you are tired, it's ok...

I want you to rest.

We'll be fine.

I promise you, I won't let us fall apart...

It's ok.

Just rest.

I love you.

It will be hard to let you go, but it's harder for me to watch you suffer.

When that challenge arises, I will be ready to face it.

You see, I can DO this thing called life...

Try as it may, it cannot break me.

I will always overcome.

Not because I am special, but because of my friends.

Each of you...

I carry you...

Right here...

In my heart.

You will always be in my heart.

We will do this thing together.

Forever.

Just look over your shoulder...

I'll be there.

You'll be in my heart.

Silent Night...

By this time on Christmas Day, most of us are home, our obligations met and the stress of the last few weeks are gone.

My own children left around 9 this morning to spend the rest of the holiday with their dad.

I've been to see my parents and my family, and now, I sit in the darkened living room, illuminated by the 50 lights adhered to my 4-foot tree that mysteriously decided to work today.

Peace is with me.

Peach and stillness, and yet, I still dream of Christmases years ago...

My heart, today of all days, longs for them.

My body is here at home, but my heart is within a white, wood-frame house in the town of Greenwood, Louisiana...

Where my cousin, my sister and I will sleep in my grandparent's office.

My cousin, Gary, will, no doubt, sleep on the gold sleeper sofa in the dining room, right there beside the warmest of all heaters ever known.

In the morning, I will, without fail, be the first of the children to awake, and I'll stumble down the hall to find my dad, my MeeMee and my Aunt JoAnn sipping coffee.

I'll stand in front of that space heater, and as I listen to them visit, I will sincerely believe I've never been so warm or safe in all of my life.

And, I'll look over at Gary sleeping and WANT to pull some mischief on him...

I could do all I wanted.

He'd never wake up.

It will never occur to me that Santa always comes to my house a day earlier that he does with all my friends.

It will never occur to me that Santa, with all his Christmas "know how" could find me at my MeeMee's just as easily as he could find me at my own house.

It will never occur to me that one day, 30 some-odd years later, I'll look back on these Christmases and tears will come to my eyes.

It will never occur to me that my life will change more quickly than I am willing and that, one day, I'll be a mother with two children of my own and that this most spectacular time of year will lose its magic...

Until, 30 some-odd years later, and I look back.

Somehow, Christmases spent there meant it was actually CHRISTMAS.

Perhaps it was because I was a child...

Perhaps it was because my grandparents were there...

Perhaps, because, back then, people slowed down a little more...

I don't know the answer to that question.

I just know that as each year passes, I seem to be missing one person that was with me last year.

Just as I know that each year, I've gained at least one more than I had the previous year.

And, friends, such is the beauty and the mystery that is life...

We never know what we really have until it's gone...

And, we never fully appreciate what's coming until we've experienced loss.

But, today, this one day of the year, NOTHING can touch us.

But for today, we are held only by ourselves and what is within.

Just for this one day, we are only reflecting on what lies just beneath our surface.

The outside world is still.

The outside world is calm.

The outside world will give us a Silent Night.

Wild Horses....

God, how I miss you today.

Your birthday was last week...

I guess.

If you told me right.

Today, I'm remembering talking to you as I prepared my Christmas Eve dinner.

Remember that?

I put you on speaker and the kids talked with you, too.

The phone sat on the bar and we all visited, as if you were there in the flesh.

Those two loved you, friend...

You were their cool uncle...

Who told them dirty jokes and IMMEDIATELY took them back...

Because "Mama" was watching...

And wasn't too happy about it.

Kelsie will always remember her name as "Smuckers?"...

Geez, man.

It's hard.

I loved you.

I love you still.

I haven't cried in a long time, but today, I find myself in tears.

Oh my God, how I loved you.

It will never stop.

I will love you always.

My friend;

My confidant;

My brother.

I cry for your family...

I cry for your friends...

I cry for the world...

All cheated out of: you.

Selfishly, most times, I cry for: me.

I miss you, buddy.

Everyday, I miss you.

Not a second goes by that I don't think of you...

Hurt for you...

Long to hear your voice.

Are you happy?

Did you find what you were looking for?

Are you at rest?

Do you awake in the morning to find...peace?

If it is all that you needed, then I abstain...

From all grief...

From all tears...

From all sadness.

You, my friend, YOU...

Are all that matters.

I love you.

You know that, right?

Today, more than ever, I miss you.

It will take wild horses...

To drag me away.

You always knew you didn't have much time.

You always knew you had to unite while you could.

Make hay while the sun's shining, right?

You made hay, buddy...

Never you worry.

All these beautiful people you brought to me...

To D...

I don't know how the two of us would have made it without them.

You just know that we, your two unofficial "sisters"...

Would need wild horses...

To drag us away.

We love you.

We always have.

We always will.

Wild horses, dude.

Wild freakin' horses.

Sweet Music Man...

I watched on the sidelines as he and his friend began their "show".

One "fighting" the other for his "spot" on the street.

The one pictured, at long last, "won" the argument, and the other went on his way.

My friend looked at him as the "fight" began and commented, "There's no way that guy is about to play an instrument."

We wandered on into the store we were walking to, the men outside a distant memory.

Somewhere between the handmade masks, I realized the most beautiful guitar music I'd ever heard had begun just outside the door.

I walked to it and peered outside to see the most humbling sight I had seen since entering the French Quarter...

No doubt, he was homeless...

No doubt, he was poor...

But, he had friends...

Friends that were willing to cause a ruckus to help him get started.

And, get started, he did.

My friend was entranced with peacock feathers and Mardi Gras masks and wanting my help in choosing just the right mask.

As much as I wanted to help him, to me, the REAL show was going on just outside the door.

Although the sun was shining, it was cold.

I couldn't help but wonder where he would sleep tonight.

Did he have food?

Did he have shelter?

And, lastly, did he have family?

I took a dollar from my purse and walked down the street to where he was.

I bent beside him and dropped the dollar in.

He looked at me and I looked at him.

In the most sincere tone I'd heard in weeks, he told me, "God bless you."

I smiled at him.

"God bless you, too, friend. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, friend," he replied back.

I wondered how long it had been since he realized he TRULY had a friend?

I could only hope he realized it that very second.

I could see his friends, on the street...

Watching him.

His friends BELIEVED in him.

The rest of the world may not, but those few that stood around BELIEVED.

I did, too.

Even now, I still believe.

To the world, he may be a homeless guy on the street pan-handling for a dollar with his guitar...

But, to his friends...

And, to me...

He was a PERFORMER.

Earning an HONEST living.

Making people, like me, if only for that second, smile.

Yes.

Sing your song, sweet music man...

Sing on and on and on.

An Old Violin...

“It is a time when one's spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death.” ~ Mark Twain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe I sincerely am more tired than I have ever been in my life.

The exhaustion is complete: mental; physical; and emotional.

I have been on auto-pilot for the last week, completing the bare minimum of all tasks to sustain the existence of those in my household.

I'm not complaining.

I'm simply stating fact.

I remember awaking on Saturday and the overwhelming sense of loneliness that enveloped me...

For the first time in years, I actually missed being married.

I remember the thought, "If I was married, I could roll over in this bed to my husband who would understand."

I could have found comfort there.

Saturday morning, there was no sanctuary.

There was a simple clock that ticked and tocked, reminding me that I had somewhere to be.

There was no understanding...

There was no comforting...

There was no affirmation.

Only the sound of the clock.

No one cared that I was tired...

No one was there to hold me and tell me everything would be ok...

No one to offer to take my place.

Suddenly, I felt so very, very vulnerable.

So very, very alone.

So very, very isolated from the rest of the world.

Slipping in past bedtime each night to fall into the sheets, only to awaken to a frantic rush has weakened me.

In the rare moments of silence, I wrestle with myself.

It's a battle I'll never really win, because you see, my two dominate personality traits are in direct conflict with one another...

One part of me is kind, understanding, sympathetic and unstoppable in a time of crisis.

The other part of me is bitter, resentful, quick-tempered and willing to throw her hands up in the air and quit.

The mild-mannered part of me always wins in the end.

Leaving the other part of me frustrated with myself.

I remember one time a few years back when I awoke with fever and felt the same lonesome feeling deep within I feel right now...

It lasted until the fever broke.

This will, too.

And, when this "fever" breaks, I'll come back stronger and more prepared than ever.

I'll have more experience than I did the day before, and I'll know.

I'll tell myself, "You made it through this. You can certainly make it through that."

But, sometimes, in the darkness, where I find my honest self, I just can't help but feel like...

And old violin.

My Sister...My Friend...

Oh, lawdy, folks...

With every trial, comes...

Family.

Good, bad or ugly...

You get what you get, right?

To say that the last few days have been an adventure is an UNDERSTATEMENT...

Not sure how it happened, really, but the four other girls besides myself, and the one boy that God chose (because He has a sense of humor!) to "bless" my mother with have become...

The poster children for dysfunction.

And, people, let me assure you, my siblings do NOT put the "fun" in "dysfunction".

In all fairness, they probably all say that about me, too.

Whatever.

It's my family, so I can say what I want.

You; however, had BETTER NOT say one negative word about ANY of them...

The wrath of God Himself will befall you.

I. am. not. kidding.

WE can kill each other, but YOU, if you know what's good for you, had better NOT even look at one of us with a crossed eye.

I'm so sorry. Have I ever REALLY introduced you to my family?

We'll start with my brother...

Who has the talent to OFFEND anyone. Not so much by what he says (because his words hold ALOT of truth to them), but more by the WAY he says it...

He means no harm, and yet...he DOES harm...

To over-inflated egos.

Yep, my brother has the distinct talent of cutting you to the quick...

And, really doesn't care.

Next, there's my oldest sister...

Who owns my heart.

Don't know if I've ever shared this with anyone, but when I was a baby, my mother was fighting cancer...

Leaving my 14 year-old sister...

Basically, a single mother...

With a baby...

That held on to her hip and called her "Mama".

Today, I call her by her name, but in today's world, when I can't go to my real mother, I turn to my sister...

She has never once let me down.

She carries too many burdens, but to lay them down would mean laying down all she cares about in this world...

I worry because she worries too much.

Third, there's my second-oldest sister, who, to this day, remains an absolute enigma to me...

Seriously.

I can't figure her out.

At times, she the first in line to defend, and at others...

She's the first in line to strike you down with a single blow.

Not sure what's up with that, but I do know she has the ability to make me feel like the least-worthy person on earth...

And, sometimes, she's my biggest champion.

I've just learned to balance on those eggshells that lead to the center of her heart...

And, to not get my feelings hurt if I "fall short".

Now, my middle sister...

People, I don't even know where to go with this one.

She has the inordinate ability to make you absolutely LOATHE her, and yet, when it seems the world turns against her...

You have to rush to defend.

Not because you want to, mind you...

But because you know she doesn't have the sense to do it for herself.

Actually, I can't even come up with more words about this one.

Seriously.

Lastly, we get to my sister I grew up with...

The "Practical One".

I have lived in the shadow of this girl's halo my ENTIRE life...

Two years older than me...

And exempliary student...

Never did wrong...

Yeah, you see where we're going, right?

And, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter...

Sometimes, I just HAVE to talk to her first...

Before I tell anyone else, I HAVE to tell her...

It's the bond we share from growing up together, I think.

She can be perfect, and yet, I KNOW she'll still accept me with all my imperfections, without judging...

Yeah, I LOVE that one.

Put us all in one room and walk into it, and I can promise you one thing...

You are walking into a room filled with more personality that the "normal" human could ever be ready to accept.

Which makes me feel so sorry for those that are charged with the care of our loved ones...

WE are the most easily pacified people you will ever meet...

UNTIL we think you're not treating someone we love like they are someone we love...

That poor hospital never knew what hit them until Hurricane Crane came to town.

Oops. Hate that for them.

Um, just a heads up...

You MIGHT want to pay a little bit closer attention to that little sweet old man in the back corner...

He will agree with anything you say...

His children, on the other hand, will chew you up and spit you out.

I SAID my mother raised children that didn't know how to deal with one another as adults...

I NEVER said my mother raised children that didn't know the value of family.

At the end of the day, even my brother would have to call each of us...my sister...my friend.

Shower the People....

The waiting area in the Cardiac Care unit was full...

Mainly with my family...

My brother and my sisters and me.

For the first time I could ever remember, the six of us were there without a parent.

One had been taken to the back of the unit about thirty minutes before, and the other awaited in another part of the hospital on our return with a full report of her progress.

I was able to go back to see her for a second, and I could tell when my sister looked up, she thought I was there to "run her out", as we had done all morning, since she was only allowed one of us at time until they took her for surgery.

I just winked at her and approached the bed where my mother lay.

I reached out and touched her hand.

"Hey. How are you?"

In true mother-fashion, she reassured me, "I'm fine. I'm just fine," in the best slurred voice she could manage.

"Hmmm. Did they give you some valium?"

(Now, people, comments like THIS one are why my mother cracks me up!)

"Yeah, they did. I guess they have to get you drunk when you're in here. I mean, really, what would you do just laying around her for hours if they didn't make it fun?"

My sister and I just glanced at one another and giggled at her.

"I guess you're right! It'd be a pretty long morning otherwise, wouldn't it?"

"Yep." Her hands motioned toward the beside table, "Look. Take my glasses and put them in my blue bag."

"OK. I will."

"OK. In my blue bag."

"I know, Mother. I'll take care of it."

"OK. Just don't forget. I'll need them later. Well, if I don't die, I guess."

So, I teased her...

"Well, I'll just lay them somewhere and if you make it out of surgery, I'll put them in your bag."

She scolded me. "Put those glasses in my bag."

"I will, Mother."

I continued on, "I'm gonna go on over to the other tower and check on Pop. It's getting lunchtime and someone needs to be there to feed him. They'll call me when your surgery starts and I'll come back, ok?"

"Yeah. Check on your daddy. He's probably pretty worried."

"Ok. I'll see you when you get out, ok?"

"Ok. Now, Pam, put those glasses in my blue bag."

"Good bye, Mother. I'm giving your glasses to a blind homeless person....."

I started the trek to his room, which by the end of the day, I determined was 212 miles, with anticipation.

It's a strange sensation having both your parents in the same building for different ailments...

You're torn.

When you're there with one, you're feeling guilty because you're not with the other one, so you move on to the next room, only to find out that within 15 minutes, the same "antsy" feeling is in your legs, making you want to get up and walk to the next room...

So, you make that hike 10 times in the day...

Each of them waiting on a report of what you found in the room you just left...

Over and over and over again.

When I walked in my dad's room and saw him for the first time, without the "full effect" of all the family since it all happened, my heart fell in my chest.

So very frail...

So very vulnerable...

So very beautiful.

I sat down beside him and just took him in. In those few minutes, the last 25 years with him as my dad ran through my mind.

I was overcome with the amount of love he had jammed into those 25 years.

Raising adult children of another man could never have been easy for him, but he never complained.

NEVER.

For 25 years I have been the most loved "little girl" in the world.

With my natural father, I was never "Daddy's Girl"...

But, for the beautiful person I saw in front of me, I had been "Daddy's Girl" from day one.

The gravity of the situation set in, and for the first time, hot tears began to come to the surface.

I tried to fight them, but found those tears were stronger than me...

So, I sat in silence, wiping my cheeks and watching him when it happened...

My dad, who had been in and out of a drug-induced sleep for three days looked at me with eyes clearer than I had seen on him in over a year.

"Don't you cry." He said. "Don't you do that."

I stood up and took his hand.

"I just love you. I love you so much, and I hate to see you hurting like this."

"You stop that crying. You didn't have anything to do with me being hurt."

His eyes lost focus, but he continued talking...

"You didn't do anything wrong, baby."

"You know that you and Kelsie and Camron are the most special things ever given to me, right?"

"And, you and...Paul.....Jan......Beverly.......Susie.....Judy....and Mama are the most special things I ever got, too."

The tears wouldn't hold back anymore. I was bawling.

"I love you more than I could ever say."

"That's how much I love you, too."

(And, THIS is why I LOVE MY DAD like you can't imagine!)

With all the innocense of the child, he asked me, "Do you know how much that is?"

Without stopping, he raised his frail arms into the air and streched them out by his side...

"That's about yay big and around and around and around."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, PawPaw. That's how much I love you, too...

About yay big and around and around and around...

To the Top of the World...

For the past few days, I've reviewed the last 12 years of my life in vivid detail...

Recalling each and every step and mis-step that have brought me to myself today.

My beloved friend, Jackie Summers, wrote quite an article over the weekend about emotional scars, which you can find here: http://jackfrombkln.blogspot.com/

In his piece, beautiful soul that Jax is, he delves into the mysteries of physical scars and why it is that as human beings, we are so willing to divulge every detail of how our outward scars came to be, and yet, when it comes to emotional scars, our tendencies are to hide them far and away from anyone except those we know most intimately.

I commented to Jax that, since he absolved those who suffered from outward disfigurement from pride in their physical scars, that sometimes, we are so emotionally scarred that we are disfigured on the inside and are, therefore, worthy of a hall pass.

He'd have no part of that.

Sometimes, I really dislike Jax and his built-in bullshitometer. ;)

So I have been intently talking with myself since Sunday...

Asking myself how it is that I became this mass of scar tissue on the inside...

That has turned into a cancer.

And, how it is that I break free.

I know where it started; about the year 2000...

I loved him with my entire heart...

He was intelligent, funny, caring, good to my children, good to my parents, an exceptional lover...

And, after I was too far into it to just walk away, I found he was tormented with mental illness...

An emotional scar he was able to hide from me with unbelievable talent...

A victim of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of his mother all those years ago, he was unable to love in a way I could accept, and I had no choice but to move on, even though my heart wanted to stay...

Months and months of pain, followed by months of self-doubt followed me, and then one night, I was on a date with a guy...

Who introduced me to a friend of his...

And, as I turned to shake the guy's hand, our eyes locked...

And, I KNEW.

Don't ask me how, but I knew.

It was literally like one of those scenes in a movie when the cameras are angled just right...

The lighting is perfect...

And, as the viewer, you KNOW this is the pivotal moment in the movie in which the story line you have come to see starts.

Yes. It was one of those moments...

And, even all these years later, it's one I will treasure until the day I die.

It ranks right there with the births of my children.

He was beautiful;

He was tall;

He was delightful to be around.

And, I loved him instantly.

And, he, me.

We had a beautiful life while it lasted.

I can never remember a time that, when either of us walked in the door, no matter how bad things were, that I wasn't truly glad to see him...

He lit my world.

But, people, I was scarred, and because I am human...

I didn't let him see.

The sad part is that, I believe he loved me enough that there was NOTHING that I could have ever confided in him that he couldn't have loved me through...

But, I didn't tell him...

And, eventually, I had woven a web of deceit to hide my disfigured inside from him.

I wasn't trying to be dishonest. I was simply trying to protect him from - me.

I loved him.

Oh, how I loved him.

How he loved me.

The end was horrific and public and...

Worse than anything I could ever describe to you.

Everything that was once so beautiful was suddenly disfigured beyond recognition...

And, I was left feeling a shell...

Abandoned by myself...

Abandoned by my love...

Abandoned by life...

Years have passed since then, and, yet...

Nothing has seemed worth the risk since then.

I remember years ago...

I'd have risked anything for him...

Anything.

Just to have remained...

On top of the world.