You'll Be in My Heart...

2009 has NOT been my year.

Anyone that knows me can attest to that.

It started ok...

It did...

Everyone was in place, just as they should have been...

The promise of relationships deepening was in the air...

Love abounded around me, and, as ever, I was in awe.

I coasted on that feeling, but as someone very wise told me, just today even, "When the seas are calm are when you need to be worrying. Complacency is your enemy."

May brought new worries, but nothing life-threatening.

My dad's health had taken a turn that needed addressing, and although that was hard, my family overcame.

The one thing I thought I couldn't make it through, life proved to me I could.

I could adjust what I could control, but it was those that I couldn't control that, by mid-year, had me concerned...

As, you all know, what I couldn't control is what got me.

July brought changes to me like I never knew could change me...

As I faced uncharted water, I began to realize what I was really made of...

Steel.

Many, many times, I thought I was broken...

But my spirit sucker-punched me and made me realize I was NOT broken, and quite likely, I was UNBREAKABLE...

And, people, about July, as hard as it was to face, was when life opened itself up to me and I was finally able to burst out of the cocoon I had built around the walls of my heart and actually LIVE...

And, don't get me wrong...

Part of me died in July, and that part is never coming back...

It lives only in my heart, and to be honest, in my heart is where it needs to live...

That part of my heart is the one part that cannot EVER be tarnished...

It will forever be living...

It will forever be innocent...

It will forever be young.

Forever.

That part of my heart is my bright spot...

Where I go when I need to KNOW I'm ok...

Believe it or not, that one memory keeps me on track.

Forever.

I love you, buddy. Now and then and always...

I love you.

You'll be in my heart.

And, as we know it, with each loss comes new life...

When it seemed my heart was dead, a bud began to grow...

That bud grew into a tree...

Through death, life began to transform...

Old heartbreaks were healed...

New friendships were formed...

And, bonds that should have never been formed were broken...

All leading me to my today.

I don't know what it is about the promise of a new year that excites me...

ANYTHING is possible.

Anything.

For me AND for you...

Today, I talked to an old friend...

I really adore him...

I've never told him that, but I think he knows it.

He told me, "You changed me."

A bigger honor I cannot imagine ever receiving.

Hey, you, you're in my heart, too.

We had a rough road, but you never left my heart.

And, you live there still.

I face 2010 with the knowledge that this will be a year of loss for me...

My dad is fading fast...

And, as much as it hurts me, I'm ready.

Not for me, but for him.

He's ready.

To keep him here, to me, seems cruel.

I love you, PawPaw...

"About yay-big and around and around and around..."

You've always loved me and for no reason...

I've loved you because you've been my dad.

You've been my constant champion and righter of all my wrongs...

For no other reason but that you loved me, too.

I will let you go in love and peace.

I will let you go with honor.

You will, without doubt, forever be in my heart.

Then, now and always...

You will live in my heart.

When you are tired, it's ok...

I want you to rest.

We'll be fine.

I promise you, I won't let us fall apart...

It's ok.

Just rest.

I love you.

It will be hard to let you go, but it's harder for me to watch you suffer.

When that challenge arises, I will be ready to face it.

You see, I can DO this thing called life...

Try as it may, it cannot break me.

I will always overcome.

Not because I am special, but because of my friends.

Each of you...

I carry you...

Right here...

In my heart.

You will always be in my heart.

We will do this thing together.

Forever.

Just look over your shoulder...

I'll be there.

You'll be in my heart.