I Don't Wanna Be Alone...

Sometime today, or maybe last night in my sleep, the thought occurred to me, "I don't want to wake up on my birthday and it be just another day."

Most of you don't get that statement. That's ok. To those of us that do, it's a sobering thought.

This past week has been surrounded by my girls...

My single friends...

Maybe even a few that aren't, but feel as though they are...

As I talked with each of them, I realized we all have the same fear...

None of us want to be alone.

And, yet, we are...

Maybe tucked inside our homes with our children...

Maybe tucked inside our homes with our husbands and our children...

Either way, it's a lonely existence.

This life is not what we expected it would be, and I suspect, never will be what we expected.

No young girl ever aspires to be 42, twice divorced, the single mother of two children, working harder than anyone should be expected to work...

No young girl ever thinks she'll awaken to a 20 year nightmare of a marriage that has destroyed any self-confidence she may have ever had and leave her wondering where her value lies...

With nothing but another day of the same thing to look forward to.

Yet, many of us do.

And, you feel ungrateful when you do, because, hey, take a look around...

You're surrounded by great friends; great family; great neighbors...

Every comfort anyone could want to have, but...

Something is missing.

And, if you could put your finger on it, all your problems would be solved...

But you can't.

The missing piece cannot be identified.

No amount of soul-searching in this world will ever be able to put a name to it.

You're ok...

Life is good...

The bills are paid...

There's food in the fridge...

No one's going hungry tonight, and yet, you STILL are not. quite. happy.

I get it.

I really do.

Sometimes, ok just doesn't cut it.

We build fortresses around our hearts; our children; our lives and refuse to allow anyone to infiltrate our comfort zone.

As much as we may want to let down that gate and let someone in, the voices inside our heads warn us that it's not the right time...

It's not the right place...

Something just isn't right.

And, so, we continue on. One day fades into the next, and the the next day fades into the day after.

But, people, my biggest fear is that one day, we will awaken and it will be 20 years from now, and then...what?

Panic sets in when that thought hits me.

I think that, somewhere in my mind I've got it pegged that, when I'm ready, and only when I'm ready, I'll settle down with my best male friend for the last four years and we'll marry...

But, as I'm making this decision, he may well find someone else.

Then, more panic...

But, I'm a big girl, I try explaining to myself.

If it doesn't happen, it just wasn't meant to be.

I'm then reminded of my second marriage.

Which was the single most lonely place on this earth I have ever been.

And, even though I wasn't "alone"...

I was, indeed, alone.

And, if that's what this world has to offer me, then, well, yeah...

I just may want to be alone.