Forever Young...

"This is not as strange as you think it is, sweetie. You lost your friend. Your life is different. Your problem is accepting that you have the right to grieve. It's ok to hurt; It's ok to accept; It's ok to heal. Time, and only time, will tell you when it's time to proceed. I really think you're expecting to much from yourself too soon. Right now, we just need to give you a little first aid, and the rest will fall in place. Are you ok with that?"

I held onto the tissue I had grabbed from the box and just looked at her...

Through my haze of tears, I was trying to guess her age and thinking, secretly, that she was crazier than I was...

But, I obliged her. "Ok."

And, for the first time in over a month, I listened to someone other than myself.

I was given suggestions on how to get through the next week until I would see her again on the following Friday.

I committed them to memory, promising myself I would put them into practice as soon as I left her office.

Our time together ended, and I walked through the waiting room, embarassed for the couple that had come in behind me.

Obviously, they were married and seeking counseling...

I purposefully did not glance their way, nor they, mine.

I walked out into the sprinkling rain that had begun, and for the first time...

In a long time...

I had a hopeful smile on my lips.

I realized I COULD do this...

I realized I WASN'T crazy...

I realized I WOULD be ok...

And, this time, it was with permission.

I could decide to be ok and not feel as though I were betraying him.

He would want me to heal...

According to her, if I only opened my heart and my mind, I was surrounded by him every second of every day...

I only just needed to allow myself to see him there.

According to her, he's that voice that guides me...

The one that I've heard loudest in the last month...

The one that tells me, "do this", and "don't do that"...

According to her, that is him talking to me.

According to her, our relationship is not over.

It is now, simply, on another plain...

And, I must tune myself in to that.

And, in reality, if I really think about it and get honest with myself...

A spiritual relationship is all he and I ever really had, anyway.

Except, according to her, our relationship has reached a whole new level...

And, I should embrace it now...

Because, before, we had never interacted physically...

According to her, now, he is all around me...

A luxury his physical life never gave me.

We talked about him...

I told her of how much I loved him...

I told her of his innocence...

I told her of his hopes...

His dreams...

And, in the end, how they were squelched by something stronger than him;

And, stronger than me, or anyone else that loved him.

According to her, although this is hard for anyone to accept, we should be joyful...

He is free.

According to her, none of us really know the confines of that magnitude of illness, and we are not fit to judge...

Only he knew what he was feeling...

Just as I only know what I am feeling.

According to her, I have a champion now...

Someone who will move heaven and earth to protect me;

And, I should be glad...

Many a person in this world has never been fortunate enough to have a guardian angel like me...

According to her, I should smile instead of cry...

According to me, I think I will trust her...

Because, only then, does he remain...

Forever young.

The Laws of Attraction and Passion...

Mid-sentence, as I tried to bite into my shrimp po-boy, I stopped. I had to apologize.

"Nadja, I'm sorry, but someone has my attention, and I'm embarassed about it."

She grinned. "I know. They have your full attention."

"Ok, I'm gonna tell you who it is, but first, I gotta tell you this: He's balding; he's older; he's grubbing on his lunch like he hasn't eaten in days, and for some reason, I think he's hot."

"It's the guy in the blue shirt, at the front table," I told her, as she turned to see him.

She agreed. "Ok, I get it."

"Really?" I asked her.

"No, not really, but you get it, so I'm ok with it."

"Swear to God, I wish this was a bar..." I trail off, as we giggle.

"I would SO be over there and introduce myself," I continue on.

As we forge on, our laugh swelling at the ridiculous thought, I continue, "Right now, though, I'd be scared to approach him, since we already know my stuff has made plenty a good man go CRAZY! He just might choke, and we've already ascertained he's really, really hungry. I'm just not sure he can keep up."

She and I continue with our conversation about...well, really, nothing...and my friend notices my glance going back and forth between her and the mystery that lies four tables ahead of me.

I wish I could put my finger on it, but I can't.

Once again, if only I could identify it, I could push forward...

Starvation abated, he began to feed himself a little slower, and she said, "You are completely enthralled."

"Yeah, I am. Wish I knew why."

"It's chemistry," she says.

And, I'm left silently wondering if our pheremones are left there, mid-air, dancing with one another...

Each calling to the other in some form of spiritual, erotic dance...

Because, I can so see us enter-twining...

I feel it in my soul..

And, thank God, I am with Nadja, who knows me...

She knows this is real and happening before her eyes.

I have become a tigress, stalking my prey.

I will know him.

Before the clock strikes one, I will know him.

We finish our lunch, go to the counter and pay our check...

We walk outside and place ourselves on the "waiting" bench.

We chat; we smoke a cigarette; we chat a little more, both of us knowing what I am waiting on...

My prey is inside...

Enjoying his smothered pork chop...

And, because of simply chemistry, I am ok with that, when normally, I just might be...repulsed...

But, yet, I am waiting outside.

I'll catch his glance.

I know it.

And, as our conversation continues, he, FINALLY, walks outside...

I glance over as he walks to his truck...

He glances over at us...

And, I look at my friend...

"It's over. If only 49 years ago he'd have worked on that walk, he and I could've been. I'm over him now. He walks funny."

We giggle, and she goes to her car and I go to mine.

Such is the life of girlfriends...

Able to fall in and out of love in five minutes, and...

There is no need to explain.

We all need a little...

Passion.

I Don't Wanna Be Alone...

Sometime today, or maybe last night in my sleep, the thought occurred to me, "I don't want to wake up on my birthday and it be just another day."

Most of you don't get that statement. That's ok. To those of us that do, it's a sobering thought.

This past week has been surrounded by my girls...

My single friends...

Maybe even a few that aren't, but feel as though they are...

As I talked with each of them, I realized we all have the same fear...

None of us want to be alone.

And, yet, we are...

Maybe tucked inside our homes with our children...

Maybe tucked inside our homes with our husbands and our children...

Either way, it's a lonely existence.

This life is not what we expected it would be, and I suspect, never will be what we expected.

No young girl ever aspires to be 42, twice divorced, the single mother of two children, working harder than anyone should be expected to work...

No young girl ever thinks she'll awaken to a 20 year nightmare of a marriage that has destroyed any self-confidence she may have ever had and leave her wondering where her value lies...

With nothing but another day of the same thing to look forward to.

Yet, many of us do.

And, you feel ungrateful when you do, because, hey, take a look around...

You're surrounded by great friends; great family; great neighbors...

Every comfort anyone could want to have, but...

Something is missing.

And, if you could put your finger on it, all your problems would be solved...

But you can't.

The missing piece cannot be identified.

No amount of soul-searching in this world will ever be able to put a name to it.

You're ok...

Life is good...

The bills are paid...

There's food in the fridge...

No one's going hungry tonight, and yet, you STILL are not. quite. happy.

I get it.

I really do.

Sometimes, ok just doesn't cut it.

We build fortresses around our hearts; our children; our lives and refuse to allow anyone to infiltrate our comfort zone.

As much as we may want to let down that gate and let someone in, the voices inside our heads warn us that it's not the right time...

It's not the right place...

Something just isn't right.

And, so, we continue on. One day fades into the next, and the the next day fades into the day after.

But, people, my biggest fear is that one day, we will awaken and it will be 20 years from now, and then...what?

Panic sets in when that thought hits me.

I think that, somewhere in my mind I've got it pegged that, when I'm ready, and only when I'm ready, I'll settle down with my best male friend for the last four years and we'll marry...

But, as I'm making this decision, he may well find someone else.

Then, more panic...

But, I'm a big girl, I try explaining to myself.

If it doesn't happen, it just wasn't meant to be.

I'm then reminded of my second marriage.

Which was the single most lonely place on this earth I have ever been.

And, even though I wasn't "alone"...

I was, indeed, alone.

And, if that's what this world has to offer me, then, well, yeah...

I just may want to be alone.

Time...

One day, I'm sure I'll quit writing about this...

One day.

Just not today...

I worry that some will think I am sitting, just marinating in pain...

I worry that those that know me best will be concerned I am showing no progress...

I worry that those I grieve with most will worry I'm moving too quickly.

For all of you, I ask you to please do not worry about me.

I am fine.

I truly, truly am.

I just need...

Time.

I think back, and in my memory, I am 4 years old...

With the worst haircut any child could ever imagine having...

A gift from my drunken father with an electric razor, if memory serves me correctly...

Strange.

At 42, I only remember, "Do you want your hair to be cut," being asked by my father.

And, me, at the tender age of 4, not knowing I should mistrust an electric razor held by a shaking hand, saying, "OK!"

And, people, I had a buzz cut.

I remember mourning those golden locks that I had just been admiring in the mirror.

I'm pretty sure I was thinking I looked just like Mary on "Mary Tyler Moore"...

Not anymore...

Then, I am in the third grade, arguing with the girl that lives next door about who has the best Barbie Motor Home...

Mine is in color.

Hers is not.

She insists hers is best, because she had hers first.

I remember my sister telling me, "She's just jealous. Ignore her."

I choose to do just that, because, obviously mine was better...

My flowers were pink. Hers were brown.

Then, I am 12, playing softball...

And, people, I so seriously sucked at it...

No hand/eye coordination...

A non-talent, which follows me to this day.

Matter of a fact, my children are so athletic that, at times, I wonder how it is that they can be mine...

And, yet, they are.

But, yes, we were talking about softball...

And, I remember seeing my mother in those bleachers...

I was never going to touch that field...

But...

My mother was there.

Watching me...

In the dugout.

There was not a snowball's chance in hell I was hitting the field, but my mother was there...

Just in case three of my team mates all broke their arms and I just happened to be needed...

I jump forward...

I am 20 and just about to be married when I hear the nurses voice tell me, "Pam, it's positive, babe."

And, with those four words, my life changed...

I was no longer fighting for me...

I had a larger reason to fight.

Something that was bigger than me and that I could not understand.

I have never quit that fight.

And, I never will...

She needs me...

Even now, at the age of 21, she needs me.

He needs me.

He's so big and tall and strong and handsome...

But, he still needs me.

I will soldier on...

Because of him...

Because of her...

And, because of the love I have for the two of them, I have learned about unconditional love for others...

Perhaps, he was my first true experiment outside of the maternal bond...

He needed me.

I needed him.

Like a mother tiger protected her cubs, I protected him...

And, like a lion protecting his den, he protected me...

From that moment on, my life changed...

I realized what it was to truly open your heart and soul and innermost thoughts to someone, without regard for what the world thought...

Because, to him, it didn't matter.

All that mattered to him was that I was ok.

And, today, one month later, I promise him that I am ok.

There is no need to worry for me...

I am ok.

All I need is...

Time.

Tell Me Why...

So many times I ask myself this question.

It's just one word...

"Why?"

Today, this very day, more than ever, I realize I do not know why...

I am just so grateful I got to be part of your beginning...

Your middle...

Your end...

Everyone tells me that in time, it will get better, but I respectfully disagree...

Time has passed...

And...

It does not get better.

I am only left with more questions...

Such as, "Why?"

And, you are quiet.

And, you will never answer.

And, that's ok with me.

You really don't have to.

As much as I hurt, I understand.

I understand...

Probably even more than I want to pretend...

I understand...

Just exactly...

Why.

What I don't understand is the reason why you didn't reach out.

Dial my number.

I'd have answered.

I always did.

Did you really think it was too big for me to understand?

Seriously.

From the moment I met you, I knew you...

I understood you...

I'd have gotten it.

I always did.

This would have been no different.

Oh, sweet angel, couldn't you see?

You really couldn't, could you?

My life is so empty without you.

I hate it...

I get up...

I go on...

And, yet...

You are not here with me.

Everything I know is so foreign...

I find comfort nowhere...

I have no home, because you are gone.

I busy myself doing what it is I think you'd want me to do...

Only to question myself...

My actions...

Our entire relationship.

Seriously.

Oh my God, didn't you know I loved you?

Didn't you know that losing you would kill me?

Didn't you know I'm not as strong as you as always thought?

I'm not.

You overestimated me...

I only wish I were half the person you thought I was.

Oh, sweet sunshine, didn't you get it?

I am nothing without you.

You were always my strength...

You were always my voice...

You were everything I am not and never will be...

And, I just want to know...

Why?

Dog and Butterfly...

For those who know me, it's no mystery...

Most of my innocent pleasure is found with my two girls...

Dottie and Dani...

Littermates...

A mix of Border Collie and Sheltie...

Too big for their own good, and definitely, too big to be house dogs...

And, yet, they are my house dogs.

They think they are poodles, or perhaps...Chihuahua...

I don't know.

All I really know is that, at 60 pounds each, they think they are the perfect fit for my lap.

And, I watched my girls this morning...

Dottie...

Her regal, white with black "dots", jumping in the air, chasing butterflies...

No intention to hurt the beautiful butterfly...

Just...

Interest...

In the butterfly...

About how it is that he flies and she cannot...

About the butterfly's contribution to this world...

Yes, Dottie has a curiousity...

She just wants to know about the beautiful, elusive butterfly...

And that, in this world, she cannot be elusive, although, yet, beautiful, she most definitely is...

In Dottie, this morning, I realized something that is within us all...

We mean no ill-will, and yet...

Our curiousity can cause such harm to those around us...

In wondering how it is that the beautiful enigma before us soars...

When we are yet on foot...

We can jump into the air, if only for a second...

To feel what it is that the beautiful mystery feels at it soars above...

Only to accidentally snap the beauty of what we so intently are trying to understand...

Until there is no life left...

It is dead, and we will never have opportunity to delve into a world unknown...

Ever again.

As if we were, dog and butterfly...

In that Sleepy Little Town....

Yanno, people, I like to think I am above my raising...

Sometimes; however, life slaps me in the face and I'm brought back to the reality of the fact that...

I

live

in

the

COUNTRY!!!

Let's go back to Sunday...

Now, follow me here, because I know some of you reading are new, and you have never heard of Cherie...

Cherie has been my best friend since I was 18 years old.

Every, single second of my adult life has been shared with her, either in person or by blow-by-blow description...

And, the last two years, there have been alot of blow-by-blow replays, because Cherie moved about an hour from here, exactly two years ago.

And, on Sunday, I got a call from her.

"I'm coming into town on Tuesday. Have clean sheets."

"Ok. What's up?"

"Joey's daddy died. The funeral is Wednesday."

Now, let's back up...

Cherie worked with Joey since we were 25. The thought of my sweet friend losing his dad broke my heart, so I go on...

"Ok, I'll check the paper for the right time, because yours will be wrong. I'll put it on my calendar. I'll have a clean bed, but I ain't cookin'."

"You have to. I'll be hungry."

"Yeah, and Sonic is around the corner."

Jump forward to this morning at 9:45 a.m.

Cherie and I met at Walgreen's, because, in reality, even when she called on Sunday, I knew she was not coming to town last night. I knew she was driving in this morning.

In fact, I didn't even wash the sheets.

So, I jump in her car and we are headed to the funeral home, chatting all the way about sweet Joey and how much we were hurting for him.

I look at her, "I don't guess we've seen each other in two months!"

"Nope. Four. I was just counting it up."

"You've lost weight!" I exclaimed.

"God, no. It's a mother fucking Spanks, and I am mother fucking dying."

"Dip shit! That stuff is no good during summer. What the hell is wrong with you? Driving all day in that? You're a retard."

"Yep, but for that one roll of back fat that won't go in, I'm a thin-looking retard."

"Ok. I'll give you that. You win."

So, we get into the parking lot of the funeral home, and I'll save you the story about the complete stranger that came to my door and scared the living hell out of me trying to open it to be, what I presume, gentlemanly...

And, we walk in...

And, people, let me tell you what, and God forgive me for the disrespect...

The. freaks. were. on. parade...

Freak Number 1 was, in fact, our dear friend's wife...

Cherie and I exchanged glances as we walked into the state room and she shook her head...

She could read my mind.

She was telling me with that shake of her head, "She is not pregnant."

I give her that look that says, "Yes. She is."

She looks back and her eyes tell me, "No. It's just a pudge."

My eyes ask her, "Why in the hell isn't she in the Spanks?"

Her eyes say, "Because she just....isn't."

Jump forward 10 minutes. We are sitting in rocking chairs on the outside walkway when Freak Number 1 comes outside with us and it is then that I notice Fashion Violation number two...

Once again, I glance over at Cherie...

She mouths, "I see it."

My eyes look at her and ask, "WTF?"

Her eyes say back, "I don't know."

My eyes say, "I know she's cheating now. She's in a thong."

Her eyes say, "Her biggest crime is wearing a thong in knit."

My eyes say, "No. Correction. Thongs that are two sizes too small while wearing knit."

Her head acknowledges I'm correct, and soon after we file inside to the chapel.

And, people, it is so cold inside there, it's scary.

We laugh about sitting on one another's lap for warmth, but it's an uncomfortable laugh, because I really do think I may need her body draped across my front to keep me warm.

Never to worry; however, because two couples sit in front of us to block the draft.

Only when we are no longer frightened of dying from exposure do we notice the music...

It's definitely gospel, because I recognize the melody...

But, yet...

It has a definite beat.

And, you can dance to it...

She looks at me, "What is up with that music?"

I whisper back, "I have the sudden urge to two-step, and I don't even know how."

And, suddenly, her eyes catch it...

She looks at me, and glances immediately in front of me...

I follow her eyes and I see it...

Our savior from the cold...

Our knight in shining armor...

In his three-piece suit...

With. the. label. still. on. his. left. arm...

Has now become Freak Number 2...

I look at her and ask, "Where is my ticket book, because I need to issue three citations immediately, and that doesn't even include the chicks in here with closed- toe shoes or panty hose!"

We giggle.

I look back at her...

"Seriously. I've never heard gospel music in such a way that I feel I need a drink and a cigarette and a dance floor. Swear to God, I am about to bust out in the Electric Slide."

Sad part is, I was serious.

Even worse. She knew it.

Worse than that?

The family filed in to a most uplifting version of "How Great Thou Art"...

Oddly enough, I thought about that wedding dance video passing around, and I had to stiffle a chuckle...

And.

It.

Got.

Worse.

From.

There.

At some point, I looked at her and told her, "I'm gonna go dick punch that dude if he doesn't shut up."

("That Dude" is Freak Number 3.)

He was giving the eulogy.

I wasn't kidding.

I had grandiose ideas of getting up and punching him straight in the baby maker.

I mean, seriously, it couldn't have made it any more tacky, right?

And, thankfully, EVERYONE was through talking and the preacher took the podium...

And.

He.

Had.

NOTHING.

To.

Say.

Because, you see, it had already been said by Speaker Number 1, Freak Number 3 and Speaker Number 3...

We said a prayer...

And, we were gone.

All in the utmost respect, of course...

Tears In Heaven...

Aw, man, it's been a long couple of weeks, right?

Yeah. I know. I've been here.

I've felt it; I've refused to feel it; I've bathed in it; I've cried over it; I've rejected it...

Oh my God, people, how I have hurt...

But, then again, I didn't have to tell you that.

You all knew.

I loved him.

I adored him.

I would have given everything just to protect him.

And, all along, you all knew that.

Just as you knew he'd have done it all for me.

I really don't know that my heart will ever heal and I will be whole again...

Not melodramatic...

Just...simple truth.

Yanno, I've spent the last 16 days thinking about all of us...

About him...

About me...

And, the one thing I have realized is that losing him is the single hardest thing I've ever been asked to do...

Not because my physical life was affected...

Because, in reality, it wasn't...

But, because my heart was changed on the day he left me.

There is a hole there that no one can fill...

Ever.

Which got me to thinking about all of you...

About him...

About me...

And about how all this started nearly 4 years ago...

But for a writing experiment I had decided to become part of, I may have missed out...

I just may have exchanged my role in my comfortable, predictable physical world...

For the one that awaited me...

And, it awaited me with open arms.

Because, you see, it had help from my friend...

A little guy from Canada that just grabbed on to my words and held them to his heart...

And, his words grabbed mine...

And, from there, we became a duo...

With ferosity, protecting one another...

Not because the other deserved it, but because we wanted to.

Oh my God. I loved him.

And, how he loved me.

I feel him here with me.

He speaks to me.

He tells me I'm wrong...

He tells me I'm messing up...

Not much different than before, except that it's not a phone call this time...

It's a voice that sits beside me, everyday, and demands that I change.

Virtual grief is just as hard and just as real as physical grief.

I look, and my life is right...

I have my job...

I have my children...

Nothing "looks" wrong.

But, inside, where it counts, EVERYTHING is wrong.

My phone won't go off at 3:00 am. anymore...

My IM won't go off at 2:00 a.m. anymore...

And, even on the off chance that it does, I think it's him.

It's not...

And, it never will be again.

Ever.

That part is so hard.

It rips me apart.

But, I hold on to hope.

He is at peace...

We are at war: internally and with one another...

Please...

Let's rest.

Just for now...

Let's rest.

Most of you, I will never lay my eyes upon.

That does not mean you are less...

Because, my friends, I loved him...

And, yet, I was never able to see him...

To hug him...

To touch him...

But, he was real.

He was part of my life.

He was my bright spot.

He made my life better...

You all do, too.

My promise to you is that I love you.

If you are part of my world, I love you.

I carry parts of you with me, all day, every day...

Please know that.

Please know I love you.

And, one day, I will see you...

In Heaven.