Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Falling Free...

I am quite honored to be participating in my BFF, Maven's, "Lady Marmelade" this week. Stop by and take a look. Since Monday, Maven has highlited some truly amazing, talented women and their writing. I've learned something new each day since the project began, and I can't wait to see what's coming up the rest of the week. Stop by and see it for yourself.

Oh, and, don't know if you've heard this or not, but The New Orleans Saints ARE the Super Bowl champs!!!!!







I remember the scent of him as he kissed me. It was a fragrance I had never smelled before...

And, probably, will never smell again.


Where we were...

What I was doing...

What we were doing...

Had an aroma of something I had never done before.

I was before him, newly divorced, wanting my freedom but simultaneously wanting the familiarity of my life back...

In a hotel, just off the interstate in Monroe, for the first time, in 14 years, I knew what it was to know someone other than the one I had spent the last 11 years of my life building a life with, only to watch it fall.

His kiss was deep and his touch was gentle. Near mechanically, I followed his lead...

Not particularly enjoying myself, but knowing this was a necessary step in moving on, and painfully aware of my vulnerability and inexperience.

The town, the room, the man, all so alien to me, and yet, I was able to maintain as though it were familiar.

And, there in that room, somewhere between darkness and daylight, for the second time in my lifetime, I became a woman.

Sleeping only for a few minutes at a time that night, stirring in the darkness with the thought resounding through my head that life had changed and that the one sleeping beside me was foreign.

I didn't know the feel of his skin...

The perfections and imperfections of his body...

The sound of his slumbered breathing in the darkness.

Life, as I knew it, was never coming back.

By morning...

I wanted to take it all back.

I knew I couldn't.

Life had changed for me.

My entire definition had changed.

I was no longer a wife and mother.

As of today, I was a mother...

And, a "friend", which each time since then, has been the term I've chosen to introduce anyone in which I've had romantic interest.

I was no longer the woman who kept the house up and did the laundry and cooked the meals...

A stirring had been awakened in me.

I was, in the truest sense of the word, a woman.

I was desired in a way I had never known.

I desired in a way I had never known.

I was different.

I had found freedom.

The road I was traveling was different.

For months and months he and I wandered that path together.

The awkwardness traded itself for sweet surrender.

His touch became one in which I longed for when it wasn't there.

And, I was falling free.

And, loving every minute of it.

He taught me to live again...

To love again...

To take the time to know myself.

Like all good things, it came to an end.

And, once again, I was in an unknown land.

Learning that the only thing I could count on was that I could count on nothing...

But me.

I was independent.

My house was mine; my job was mine; my friends were mine; my car was mine; my money was mine; my debts were mine...

In this big world, I had me.

In this big world, I was so very alone...

And, I was so very, very fragile.

Fragile, yet, falling free.

I stumbled...

I faltered...

I found my footing, and eventually, I stood tall again.

And, then one night, as if by magic, there he was.

In that instant, all the confidence I had spent the last three years building was as though it had never happened...

Weak in the knees and stammering for something intriguing to say, I turned to meet him.

I knew at the second our eyes locked that he was "the one".

I knew I was going to marry him.

Our courtship was short and intense and passionate and the most beautiful thing I have ever known.

We moved in synergy.

Each knowing the other's next move before they made it...

Knowing the other's thought before they spoke it.

Knowing the other's feelings hidden behind their eyes.

Within just months, he became my husband.

Our life together was an experiment in sweet agony.

A most beautiful disaster.

It was insanely beautiful.

But, it was a disaster, indeed.

Finding a soulmate in someone with whom you don't share values is a tragedy.

Without doubt, it's a cruel and harsh reality in this rollercoaster ride we call life.

You are sentenced to a life in prison chains, your heart comparing every flutter that may pass through it to that which was once so pure...

Comparing it to exactly what it was you felt when life was beautiful.

And, you were falling free.

My friends, nothing will ever compare.


As the months turned into years, I bathed in the pain because that was the only thing left for me to hold onto, and my need to hold on was greater than my need to move on.

I've spent my time since then rebuilding.

Never, ever do I look back on that time and not grieve...

I grieve for him because I know the tortured soul he's become.

I grieve for me because I am the tortured soul I've become.

I grieve for what might have been..

What could have been...

What should have been.

And, I grieve because I know, without doubt, that even if the planets perfectly aligned and the opportunity arose, I could never go back.

It is in the past.

And, it's never coming back.

I could wait from now until forever, and it will never be back.

So, I continue on...

Probably taking more time to decide to move than I really should.

The realization that I can't trust my judgment precedes the desires of my heart.

Knowing that each time my signals have said, "Go."...

They should have been screaming, "Stop!"

Freedom isn't free, friends.

It comes with a price.

You can spend your life alone.

Or you can try again.

And, there's no guarantee that to try won't cost more of you than you are willing to give.

You just may pay with your heart.

Although it sounds so tempting and ever-so beautiful...

Mercy me.

To be falling free.


  1. Pam...this is a wonderful post. I left a comment over at Mave's, and I am following...

  2. Thank you, Lee. I've LOVED reading you the last couple of days. LOVED it!

  3. Did New Orleans win the Super Bowl?

    Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!!!

    YOU Dat!

  4. Yes, they did. At least I think they did. I don't really keep up with football much.


  5. Pam, I am a new follower..just read you post!!
    Wow is all I can say now!!! Loved it!

  6. Sweet! Thank you so much! Glad to have you here!