Take Off!!!

I remember in the 80's hearing this song on my radio over and over...

I slightly remember giggling.

It must have impressed me, because as I heard it play, I realized I knew every word.

Doesn't matter.

In 1980's Alexandria, Louisiana, we did not have computers in our house...

Let alone the three I have in mine now.

In 1980's Alexandria, Louisiana, we did not have the internet...

Like I have now.

In 1980's Alexandria, Louisiana, I could never have guessed my kinship with this song was foreshadowing what was coming in my life...

An eclectic, amazing group of people that haled from the "Great White North"...

And, tomorrow, I hear my country and their country are dueling...

A battle of wills, on ice, that will determine the victor...

The world's best, if you will.

And, people, you just gotta forgive me if I am cheering for the maple leaf.

I can't help it.

And, if you don't understand where I'm coming from...

You may as well just...

Take off!

Tomorrow, I am honorary Canadian...

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Oh, Canada!!!

Take off!!!

Over the Rainbow...

People, I just don't check my personal email anymore these days. It's not that I don't want to. Fact is, by the end of the day, when I've answered a thousand work-related emails...

I just don't care anymore.

This weekend; however, between the snow and Mardi Gras, I gave a few minutes of my time to my Hotmail account...

Snuggled somewhere in there, I found an email from my aunt...

Which included a link...

Um, apparently, my family has a website of their very own...

Who knew, right?

So, as any good computer nerd will do, I followed the link and got LOST in the website for a while...

While there, I wasn't just wasting time, because, well, you know me.

No, I wasn't wasting time, I was...

Stealing old photos and saving them to my computer.

This was one of them I found there. I love this picture, because in it, I see all that was mostly important to me growing up...

I see my cousin, Sherry, who is five days older than me, and even though we really didn't love one another that much when we were young...

Is my greatest champion in adulthood.

I see my sister, Beverly, two years my senior, who, all holes barred, is probably closer to me than anyone on the planet, and I don't even tell her that REMOTELY enough.

Behind us all, I see my grandparents' Winnebago...

And, people, let me tell you something...

That Winnebago was EVERY grandchild's closest friend in the 1970's.

It was in that motor home we plotted, and planned and acted...

Just that little bit of that Winnebago I can see brings back so much.

I remember Christmases and extension cords...

Easters and Easter baskets...

Taffy and Kelly...

Sherry and Gary...

Beverly and me...

And, I remember Robbie.

I remember us all scripting our annual "Wizard of Oz" play...

We did it every year.

I don't remember much about it, except that somewhere in my Grandmother's kid-unfriendly (and, not unfriendly in that bad way)house, we found a ginormous rubber ball that would signal the entrance of Glenda, the Good Witch.

I remember Beverly was always Toto. (Don't worry. We had but 4 cast members. She got to be someone else, too!)

I believe I was always the Scarecrow...

And, Robbie was The Wizard.

I remember Robbie holding up a blanket and demanding, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"

I can't remember our play ever ending...

I can't remember our play ever beginning...

It just was.

Four cousins, one heart.

Oh, I remember that Winnebago...

I remember MeeMee...

I remember DeeDee...

I remember Jackie...

I remember Greenwood.

I remember fire escapes and garden hoes...

Gardens and gas tanks...

Garages that went unused...

Cash registers and "homemade" meat...

Pastures and farms...

I remember Mr. and Mrs. Bice...

I remember the First Church of Greenwood...

I remember Kelly's Truck Stop and peach cobbler...

I remember Milton.

I remember walking to the store...

I remember going to the park and the three little "rocking" gadgets they had...

I remember Waskom and grocery shopping...

I remember going to Aunt Ruby's to swim...

I remember the Mimosa tree...

Mostly, people...

I remember love.

Love surrounded us and encompassed us in that little wood frame house in Greenwood, Louisiana.

All of us, cousins...

Concerned not about the THEN...

But, about what awaited us...

Over the rainbow.

These Are the Days...

I was just beginning to get steaks ready to marinate for my Valentine Dinner with the two most important people in the world, my daughter and my son, when the back door opened far earlier than I anticipated.

I looked back, and as the boy walked through the door, I asked, "The parade over already? You're kidding me."

He looked up a little sheepishly. "Nope. It's done." He went on, "Someone's here that wants to see you."

Now, people, let me tell you that I had a hard time coming up with the thought of anyone I could POSSIBLY want to see this afternoon, but, like a mother does, I said hesitantly, "Ok. Tell 'em to come in."

And, he walked through the door...

A little taller than the last time I saw him, but that infectious grin on his face lit my world!

"Jack! What are you doing?"

His grin grew even bigger, "I came to see my Miss Pam."

I hugged that boy tight. He was truly a beautiful sight.

In that time that I hugged him, I remembered him...

And all the nights he, and 10 more of their closest friends, spent on my living room floor, in my den floor, in the boy's bedroom floor...where ever they could find a place to land for the night...

All those years ago.

I remembered golf carts and golf lessons and fireworks and Sheriff's departments...

And, laughter...

More than anything...

I remembered their laughter.

I couldn't keep food in the house.

There were never less than five 13 and 14 year-old boys in my house at any given time.

They thought my fried chicken was the best they had ever had, and begged me to open a restaurant, because we could "be rich" if we did.

They would show up at the door at seven in the morning or ten at night, knowing it would always be open to them.

And, it always was.

All those boys, each of them, lived together; went to church together; went to school together; laughed together...

They were the biggest motley crew you'd ever seen...

Sweet Jack the youngest of the bunch...

Braces on his teeth, and a smile that could light the world.

Ask any of those boy the laws about shooting fireworks in THIS parish, and they can quote it to you...

Because, you see, it was MY house the deputy brought them all to when they found them lighting firecrackers and tossing them off their golf carts...

"Fireworks can be shot no less than 250 feet of a business or residence in Rapides Parish."

(I made them recite that to me over and over and over again that day before I'd let them go home, and I do believe THAT was one time they all wanted to go home!)

Oh, all those boys...

They made me crazy when they all stormed me.

Cooking, cleaning and keeping up with them was a JOB...

But, I loved every second of it.

Not so much then as I do today...

I'd LOVE to have those boys back in my floors today...

I'd LOVE to hear their laughter...

Just one more time.

Those are the days I remember.

Glitter in the Air...

I dialed his phone just now.

It's always a coin toss...

He may answer...

He may not.

It's a ritual we're both accustomed to.

Somehow, we're both tuned in to when the other REQUIRES an answer.

As the phone continued, unanswered, I thought this time may be a time he wouldn't answer...

And, no big, really.

I knew he'd call me back when he realized I'd called.

Amazingly, his "What're ya' doin'?" resounded in my ear, rather than his voice mail.

"That's not the question," I responded. "I called to see what you're doin'. Ya' workin' later?"

"You know it."

"What time are you done tonight?"

"11."

"You patrolin' later?"

"Nope. I'm done at 11."

"Good. I'm takin' you to brunch tomorrow, since you're the closest thing I have to a valentine, ok?"

"Yep. I'm in."

"Nice. Call me when you wake up."

"I will."

"Ok. Be careful. See you in the mornin'."

"See you tomorrow."

And, just like that, the conversation was over...

Sometimes, I'm so grateful he and I were brought together.

It is so beautiful to have a person of the opposite sex to just call on...

Who, without question, will always be there...

No matter what.

Then, there are times, like tonight...

I wonder if we aren't the other's biggest disservice of a lifetime.

Each being the emotional foot-hold of the other...

Until none other is needed.

I admit it: I don't move forward too much, because I don't have to.

I've got a rock-solid man in my life who will step in and right all my wrongs...

Move my furniture...

Hook up my appliances...

Listen to me cry.

Just last week I called him...

Sobbing through the phone, I told him what was going on, and I will never forget the way he answered me.

Ever.

Two marriages; countless "boyfriends"; friends; whatever...

And, he made a statement to me that NONE of them has ever said...

"We knew this was going to happen."

And, in that conversation, I realized what friendship is.

He never said, "you"...

He said "we"...

And, for the first time in my lifetime, I realized I wasn't alone.

He's with me.

Always.

Sometimes, I'm tempted at the thought of just "resting" there...

Sometimes, I think he's tempted at the thought of just "resting" with me.

It would be a peaceful rest, too, I do believe.

Sometimes, I allow myself to wonder what would happen if we moved forward...

He knows me.

He knows the good...

He knows the bad...

He knows the ugly...

And, he's still here.

No, I love him.

But, I'm not in love with him...

He loves me.

But, he's not in love with me...

There's a difference.

A few months ago, he and I went on a "real" date...

Complete with he and I both knowing we'd be together for the night...

And, when it came down to it...

Neither of us could do it.

We came straight home, neither of us acknowledging what had just NOT happened.

Oh, friends, yes, I LOVE him.

I'm just not in love with him.

And, I wish I could be...

Almost as much as I wish I could find his perfect match...

He is so beautiful.

He needs someone equally special.

I can't seem to find someone that I think is "deserving" of him.

But, I never quit looking.

She's out there, and I'll find her...

One day.

Just not today...

Or yesterday.

Or tomorrow.

Today, I'll just throw a fistful of glitter in the air...

For tonight.

Unloved...

To Write Love on Her Arms Day begins today.

As I awoke this morning, I realized today was the day, and before I even checked the amount of snow that had mysteriously fallen last night, I hunted down my Sharpie and went to work inking out that beautiful, four-letter word on my arm.

True to form, I screwed it up. The tiny, little heart I tried to draw just under the word "love" turned into some sort of a circle with a tiny tail.

Truer to form, needing perfection (or something close to it), I searched my cabinets for something that could take it off before I snapped my picture and posted it to my Facebook wall. I ended up with the Resolve, and, voila! The genetically deformed heart disappeared...



As I began to edit the image on my computer, I noticed the scar there, just to the left of the letter "L"...

And, I remembered.

A little more than embarassed to post the picture, as I realized some may recognize that as the type scar it actually is, I started to cut it out of the picture. Then, I thought, "How hypocritcal can you be? THIS is exactly what it's all about."

And, again, I remembered.

I went back to that horrifically unrecognizable dark place I was living inside a little more than a year ago.

This time, it was different. This time, I saw that place from afar...

And, this time, that horrifically dark place was unrecognizable to me from the outside, looking in.

So many have and do find themselves where I found myself back those months ago.

Disillusioned...

Dissatisfied...

Disengaged...

Disenfranchised from life.

From all aspects of life...

Family...

Friends...

Co-workers.

Feeling isolated and alone in a world that seems so very big and so very cold...

That would keep on spinning, whether they were here or not.

And, think it would be a better place if they were not.

Not taking the time to realize those they love so fiercely love them, too.

Ashamed of what they're feeling, and too afraid to admit things are really just that bad.

Never knowing that a few months can make all the difference.

I am living proof to all of them that they are wrong.

If a split second can make a difference, a year can make a world of difference.

If a smile can change a split second...

Love can save a life.

No one is unloved.

No one should feel unloved.

Hope springs enternal...

Where there is love.

Falling Free...

I am quite honored to be participating in my BFF, Maven's, "Lady Marmelade" this week. Stop by and take a look. Since Monday, Maven has highlited some truly amazing, talented women and their writing. I've learned something new each day since the project began, and I can't wait to see what's coming up the rest of the week. Stop by and see it for yourself.

Oh, and, don't know if you've heard this or not, but The New Orleans Saints ARE the Super Bowl champs!!!!!

WHO DAT?

WE DAT!

BELIEVE DAT!

YES, BABY!

BLESS YOU, BOYS...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






I remember the scent of him as he kissed me. It was a fragrance I had never smelled before...

And, probably, will never smell again.

Fitting.

Where we were...

What I was doing...

What we were doing...

Had an aroma of something I had never done before.

I was before him, newly divorced, wanting my freedom but simultaneously wanting the familiarity of my life back...

In a hotel, just off the interstate in Monroe, for the first time, in 14 years, I knew what it was to know someone other than the one I had spent the last 11 years of my life building a life with, only to watch it fall.

His kiss was deep and his touch was gentle. Near mechanically, I followed his lead...

Not particularly enjoying myself, but knowing this was a necessary step in moving on, and painfully aware of my vulnerability and inexperience.

The town, the room, the man, all so alien to me, and yet, I was able to maintain as though it were familiar.

And, there in that room, somewhere between darkness and daylight, for the second time in my lifetime, I became a woman.

Sleeping only for a few minutes at a time that night, stirring in the darkness with the thought resounding through my head that life had changed and that the one sleeping beside me was foreign.

I didn't know the feel of his skin...

The perfections and imperfections of his body...

The sound of his slumbered breathing in the darkness.

Life, as I knew it, was never coming back.

By morning...

I wanted to take it all back.

I knew I couldn't.

Life had changed for me.

My entire definition had changed.

I was no longer a wife and mother.

As of today, I was a mother...

And, a "friend", which each time since then, has been the term I've chosen to introduce anyone in which I've had romantic interest.

I was no longer the woman who kept the house up and did the laundry and cooked the meals...

A stirring had been awakened in me.

I was, in the truest sense of the word, a woman.

I was desired in a way I had never known.

I desired in a way I had never known.

I was different.

I had found freedom.

The road I was traveling was different.

For months and months he and I wandered that path together.

The awkwardness traded itself for sweet surrender.

His touch became one in which I longed for when it wasn't there.

And, I was falling free.

And, loving every minute of it.

He taught me to live again...

To love again...

To take the time to know myself.

Like all good things, it came to an end.

And, once again, I was in an unknown land.

Learning that the only thing I could count on was that I could count on nothing...

But me.

I was independent.

My house was mine; my job was mine; my friends were mine; my car was mine; my money was mine; my debts were mine...

In this big world, I had me.

In this big world, I was so very alone...

And, I was so very, very fragile.

Fragile, yet, falling free.

I stumbled...

I faltered...

I found my footing, and eventually, I stood tall again.

And, then one night, as if by magic, there he was.

In that instant, all the confidence I had spent the last three years building was as though it had never happened...

Weak in the knees and stammering for something intriguing to say, I turned to meet him.

I knew at the second our eyes locked that he was "the one".

I knew I was going to marry him.

Our courtship was short and intense and passionate and the most beautiful thing I have ever known.

We moved in synergy.

Each knowing the other's next move before they made it...

Knowing the other's thought before they spoke it.

Knowing the other's feelings hidden behind their eyes.

Within just months, he became my husband.

Our life together was an experiment in sweet agony.

A most beautiful disaster.

It was insanely beautiful.

But, it was a disaster, indeed.

Finding a soulmate in someone with whom you don't share values is a tragedy.

Without doubt, it's a cruel and harsh reality in this rollercoaster ride we call life.

You are sentenced to a life in prison chains, your heart comparing every flutter that may pass through it to that which was once so pure...

Comparing it to exactly what it was you felt when life was beautiful.

And, you were falling free.

My friends, nothing will ever compare.

Ever.

As the months turned into years, I bathed in the pain because that was the only thing left for me to hold onto, and my need to hold on was greater than my need to move on.

I've spent my time since then rebuilding.

Never, ever do I look back on that time and not grieve...

I grieve for him because I know the tortured soul he's become.

I grieve for me because I am the tortured soul I've become.

I grieve for what might have been..

What could have been...

What should have been.

And, I grieve because I know, without doubt, that even if the planets perfectly aligned and the opportunity arose, I could never go back.

It is in the past.

And, it's never coming back.

I could wait from now until forever, and it will never be back.

So, I continue on...

Probably taking more time to decide to move than I really should.

The realization that I can't trust my judgment precedes the desires of my heart.

Knowing that each time my signals have said, "Go."...

They should have been screaming, "Stop!"

Freedom isn't free, friends.

It comes with a price.

You can spend your life alone.

Or you can try again.

And, there's no guarantee that to try won't cost more of you than you are willing to give.

You just may pay with your heart.

Although it sounds so tempting and ever-so beautiful...

Mercy me.

To be falling free.

You Don't Know What Love Is...

"You don't know what love is."

I've made this statement over and over and over again the past few months to my son.

And, I'm right.

He doesn't know what love is.

He doesn't even have a clue.

At the tender age of 17, I thought I owned the world.

He doesn't realize it, but I've BEEN his female version.

His dad has BEEN him.

The boy says, "You don't know."

Oh, honey, I know.

How very well I know.

Your dad knows.

All too well, he knows.

Too young to know different, and too stubborn to listen to the voice of opposition, his dad and I began our journey.

I can't say it's one I'd take back, because if I did, I'd lose so much of what makes me "me".

I can tell you; however, that now that I'm older...

Had I have STAYED the course...

The life I love now...

Is one I'd never missed...

If I never knew different.

Oh, you don't know what love is.

You don't know.

I know you want to THINK you know...

And, I try to tip-toe around your heart, which lies on your sleeve, but son...

I get really tired of it.

I KNOW the road ahead of you.

You'll just have to forgive me if I don't like it...

I was too stupid to realize I didn't like it when I was on it.

It took me years upon years to realize I didn't like that road...

And, I destroyed your sister's life...

I destroyed YOUR life...

I destroyed your dad's life...

I destroyed my life...

At that realization.

Oh, son, you don't know.

You think you know.

And, in all honesty, with the amount of love you are capable of feeling, sweet boy, maybe you DO know.

Trust Mama.

What you are capable of is not enough.

Life takes more than that.

My baby boy, you don't know.