I Wanna Know What Love Is...

We were barely 18 and we first danced to this song...

In 1985 Louisiana, we were legal to drink...

Legal to marry...

Ridiculously legal to think we had all the answers.

At the tender age of 20, we married.

In 1987 Louisiana, it was legal for two children to have a child.

And, that, we did.

She came into the world on November 23, 1987 a frail little girl...

Weak from the nine months of improper prenatal care...

The product of an extremely immature and scared mother...

And, a father that had no idea what to do except what she told him to do.

And, she flourished.

The road was a little rocky and questionable at first, but she grew...

She grew in my heart...

She grew in his heart.

Two kids raising a kid...

And, but by the grace of God...

All three of us made it.

She and I would pack up sack lunches and head out to the park every single day.

She and I grew up together.

A little unfair to her, I know, because she helped raise her mother...

Her mother learning her mistakes along the way...

The one thing she did know was that this child...

This precious human being...

Was the reason for her existence.

We were a family.

The three of us were all we knew.

Loving one another...

Holding onto one another...

When there was nothing else to cling to.

The years passed.

We grew up.

We grew apart, her dad and me.

Not his fault, and not mine.

Both of us victims of the clock that seemed to tick against us.

In late 1991, we realized I was having another baby.

I remember my baby girl anxiously awaiting the arrival of her baby sister.

The joke was on her.

Her baby brother came into the world on June 10, 1992.

And, the three of us became four.

We lived...

We loved...

We tried...

We faked it...

We did all we could to hold that world together.

Our efforts were all for nothing...

In the end, there was no amount of responsibility, nor longing that could allow us to go on any further.

It was a bittersweet end...

And, I was left to explain to those two little faces what had happened...

Why life as they knew it was no more.

From that day forward, I have felt guilty...

Guilty for shattering their world...

Guilty for shattering his world...

And, today, I realized something...

I have carried 11 years of guilt that I should not have carried.

I gave it my best.

I have no reason to feel what I feel.

It is not right.

I did nothing wrong except to try to hold it together...

When circumstances dictated it would never work.

I held on...

I held strong...

And, in the end, it wasn't enough.

I have the best that world had to offer me...

It's in the bedroom that I walk partially into each morning at 6:10 a.m. and say, "It's ten after six, baby. Time to get up."

It's in that voice on the phone that can't help but call me and without taking a breath say, "Mom, you will NOT believe what just happened..."

The best of that world...

Where I know what love is...

Lives in her.

It lives in him.

Wanna know what love is?

Love belongs to me.

In my world, love begins with a "K" and a "C".

Yes, I know what love is.

And, you can't stop my love...

That Lucky Old Sun...

Today was a day I greeted with semi-dread. I had to get Mother to the doctor first thing, make time for a 9:00 a.m. conference call and then, oh, yeah, make time to actually work.

More and more these days getting my mother to an appointment on time is like revisiting early mornings during my children's elementary school days.

"Hurry now and eat your breakfast. You're still not dressed and we have to leave in 15 minutes."

She completely ignored me.

"Mother, come on now, please. I've got to get you into the doctor's office so I can be on my call before nine."

She glanced my way begrudingly and finally acknowledged me, "I'm trying, but if I eat too fast I'll get sick."

"O.K. I've got an idea. How about if we get you dressed and you can take your toast and your juice in the car with us. Deal?"

She let out a frustrated sigh. "Alright."

As she got up to get dressed, she, of all things, began to sing with all the joy of a school girl getting ready for her first date...

"Up in the morning...out on the job...Work like the devil for my pay...But that lucky old sun...Has nothing to do...But roll around Heaven all day..."

As she sang the words, a pang of longing mixed with amusement overcame me and I remembered the date.

I giggled to myself as the thought of my boy rolling around Heaven went through my mind.

I like that thought.

In fact, I like it so much that even though I look at the date, I have managed to carry a little joy in my step all day.

He is rolling around in Heaven.

Probably rolling around in laughter at the pranks he pulled on me the last week.

Just a week ago I told a friend of mine, "I think he's moved on. I haven't felt him in a few weeks. I just don't think he's here anymore."

The very next day my phone, out of nowhere, lit up with all the power of a million Christmas trees and beeped. When I picked it up to see what happened, somehow all the text messages I had received from him those last couple weeks...

All those text messages I had painstakingly moved into a folder so they wouldn't accidentally be deleted...

Were all showing on my phone, as if they had been recalled, and yet, the phone was nowhere near me. It was nowhere near anyone.

Somewhere in the universe, I could imagine him laughing at me, reminding me that, although he may have chosen not to be as visible these past couple weeks, he is, indeed, here, and for me never to forget it...

When he's not busy rolling around Heaven all day, that is.

Like so many things since he left, I believe he gave my mother these words this morning because he knew they would give me peace.

I heard him speaking on one of his old radio shows yesterday morning, and it both surprised and actually delighted me when I was able to listen to his voice and remember his sense of humor, instead of concentrating on how much I hurt.

The last show was actually one where I had called in, and I must admit, it wasn't one of my finer moments.

The last thing I said to him before I hung up?

"I love you, punkin."

He used sweet Caroline to deliver that reminder. He knew I loved him. That thought yesterday gave me so much peace.

And, three months to the day that I last talked to him, at long last, I believe I am ready to heal.

He'll be here with me, every step of the way, I'm sure.

When he's not busy rolling around Heaven all day...

I love you, my friend.

Thank you for making my world a better place and allowing me the honor of calling you friend...

Knowing you has, without doubt, been one of the most wonderful things I have ever known.

There is a special place reserved inside my heart for only you, and each time I examine it, I am filled with the most pure feeling of love I have ever experienced.

You for me;

Me for you;

Without question.

Forever protecting.

Forever accepting.

Forever friends.

I adore you...

You Lucky Old Sun...

Tiny Dancer...

Nice.

At one time I thought I might be the "Seamtress for the Band"...

Until my sister, quite ironically, living next door...

Caught them drying marijuana leaves on their clothesline.

Yes, people.

True story.

She lurks.

She never comments.

Perhaps this ONE TIME, she'll confirm.

At the time, I didn't realize people GREW the stuff!

I didn't realize people BOUGHT the stuff!

I just thought we SMOKED the stuff.

Never thought of it being illegal...

Because, I would NEVER intentionally break the law.

I was 17.

What I would trade for that innocense again.

But I digress.

In fact, I DID sew on a button on someone's shirt.

And, at this point, my sister should be laughing.

I sew NOTHING, (but bad seed) and ONLY my sister would actually know this.

Just as only my sister would know what REALLY hurts me...

And, what I LET people think hurts me.

Seventeen.

I was seventeen.

The world was stupid, and I was smart, and I knew everything.

The world, quite simply, knew nothing.

Thank God I had my sister (who just happened to live next door), watching out for me.

She had lived a couple years longer than me...

Had walked a couple of roads before I got there...

She had seen the danger.

She refused to let it get me.

At the age of 17, my sister protected me.

I hated her for it...

Because, let's be honest.

I did NOT KNOW what a marijuana leaf looked like.

My sister, miraculously, did...

And, she SAVED ME FROM IT.

She saved me from so much back then.

What we didn't know is that the one that she "saved me" from...

Has ended up being a MIGHTY instrument for God...

And orphans...

All across the south.

Yes.

The boy that once dried pot leaves on his clothesline is now a DEVOTED minister to the Word of God.

He was 17.

I was 17.

Who knows what we may turn out to be at 17?

"Judge not, lest Ye be judged.", right?

We think we know, and to be honest, short of a miracle, we're right.

Right?

I can assure you that, at 17, it never occurred to that I would be twice divorced.

It never occurred to me that I would be entrusted with two precious lives and love them so much it would threaten to take the very breath from me.

At 17, I knew nothing.

Except that he was tall...

That he had his "own place"...

He was "in a band"...

And, that he wrote me a song...

Of my very own...

"Pam, Pam, you ain't worth a damn...

I call you on the phone, you say you're taking to your friend...

Where did your lies start...

And where will they end?"

The thought of lying to him, at the age of 17, had never occurred to me.

The song, I thought, was funny...

And, yet, it MUST have impressed me.

Because I have NEVER forgotten what he sang to me...

As he strummed his guitar...

In the back of his 72' Ford Pickup...

That was navy blue...

Except for the driver's door...

It was Army Green.

I was 17.

He was 17.

I was but a tiny dancer.

He was but a tiny dancer.

With our ENTIRE lives before us, and, yet...

We didn't see that part.

We were too busy dancing in the sand...

Two tiny dancers, in His hands...

Good-Night, My Angel

A life-saver of an unexpected call came through today from one of my closest friends.

We made some small talk, and then she asked the question which was actually the purpose of her call.

"How are you?"

"I'm no so good, Kim," I choked out as the hot tears built up behind my eyes.

From there, I caught her up on the events of the last few days since we had talked, and in the true spirit of friendship, as the unbelievable twists and turns of my past couple weeks came from me, we laughed; we cried; we evaluated the situation; we discussed it; and, for the time being, we resolved it.

I remember at one time wondering how it was possible she could hear me. My voice was literally choked with emotion to the point everything I said was just above a whisper.

It didn't matter.

She is my friend.

She knew exactly what I was saying without even hearing it.

She knows the burden on my heart and how it is pressing me to my absolute limit.

She knows all the loss and pain I've been through in the past few months.

She knows I am upside down in a tail-spin and I don't know how to find my way out.

She knows I am helpless.

And, she knows that for me to know I am helpless in a battle leaves me even more crippled.

She is my friend for no other reason than that she loves me. I don't know that I've ever done anything to deserve that kind of love.

I continued on, "Kim, I've always been so foolish. I watched everyone else I know fight their battles and I truly thought that, for whatever reason, I have always been one of the 'lucky' ones. I'm not. I never have been. My battles were just saved for later in life."

And, we both agreed that at some point in all our lives, we are all called upon to dance with the devil.

I want off this dancefloor.

He continues moving to the beat.

He is truly disfigured beyond recognition and I am not enjoying his company.

Is life truly unfair?

I can't say.

In my time on this earth, I've been blessed; I've been hurt; I've been up; I've been down.

It just may simply be "my turn".

Maybe this time, the girl that always lands on her feet will crash land.

I'm just not sure.

This battle that has been waged against me has threatened to take everything that means something to me.

So many questions.

So many fears.

So many doubts.

And, quite possibly for the first time in my entire life, I am truly scared.

But, as ever, I will go on, knowing that this, too, shall pass.

I will go on because of the love of the people that surround me.

And, to those that elude me, good-night, my angels.

Where ever you may go; No matter where you are, I never will be far away.

Baby of Mine...

It's no secret.

I've never been a perfect mother to the two beautiful souls that were entrusted to me.

I've been far from it.

In fact, I've always thought they deserved better.

So much of the story they don't know...

How their dad and I met...

How we married...

How we were best friends that simply...

Outgrew one another.

How we tried to hold it together because of the two beautiful lives we had created...

And, yes, created out of our love for one another.

In the end, we just couldn't make it work.

Try as we might, we just couldn't do it...

Leaving me, at the age of 30, with two children, a job that paid "x" amount of dollars on the first...

And "x" amount of dollars on the 15th.

They don't know how hard it was.

Sometimes, in the beginning, I literally had to choose between food or electricity...

Just so we could make it two more weeks...

Until the next payday.

Maybe I fooled myself.

Maybe they did know and the joke was on me.

Just don't know.

I always thought I did a good job at hiding the harsh realities of life from them.

My theory was that, all too soon, life would come in and teach them its cruel truth...

While they were on my watch...

NOTHING could touch them.

I may not have always been the best...

BUT...

I always DID my best.

Maybe not as great as someone else may have done...

But, it was my best effort.

All the while, knowing, they deserved better.

Maybe, in the end, my best simply wasn't good enough.

The one thing I do know...

That NO ONE could ever dispute...

Is that my precious cargo was LOVED.

My precious cargo was PROTECTED...

My precious cargo was REVERED...

I did my best.

I have loved to my greatest ability.

I offer my children back to the world as my gift.

I've taught them to give...

To love...

To forgive...

And, today, I no longer control them.

Please, world, be kind to my two...

They are...

Babies of mine.