A Thousand Beautiful Things...

It's morning, and I get up.

My body aches; my heart hurts; my mind is dull...

It's a hard stretch, but out of habit, I arise.

Nothing is different than when I fell asleep, except that everything I left yesterday...

Has followed me to today.

It's a struggle, but I remind myself that everyone else is just like me...

Discontent...

Unsettled...

Wondering if there really is, indeed, a reason to continue...

But, in front of me dangles a string.

I look at it, and, as ever, I contemplate it.

That string is called "hope".

As much as I'd like to not grasp onto it and let its wings carry me until tomorrow...

Long before daylight...

As the rest of the world sleeps, I grab hold.

And, that tiny string carries me through my day.

I'd like to think that I am different...

That not all of us are living just like me, but, in fact, we are.

I am full of "woulda", "coulda", "shoulda"...

Yes,

I can...

I could...

I would...

And, I did.

As much as life told me I couldn't...

I did.

Today will be no different.

The sunrise challenges me...

I stare it in the face and challenge it back.

Neither the sun;

Nor the moon;

Nor can life;

Beat me.

I will win.

I always do.

I will forever fight to see the beatiful things...

A thousand of them.

My children;

My mother;

My sisters;

My friends;

Not one thing on earth can overcome their beauty.

Not one thing can overcome those...

Thousand beautiful things.

The Dance...

I remember the first time I ever heard this song.

Not much of a fan of country music, but this guy, Garth Brooks, had a concert playing on HBO, and well, I heard that Billy Joel made an appearance when they taped it, and, people, I just had to see my Billy...

So, with anticipation, I watched...

The only thing I remember about the two hours in front of the television?

This song.

Very rarely am I moved by something that literally carries me.

This song does that.

It is a gentle reminder that, no matter how much I'm hurting;

No matter how much I regret;

No matter where I am in life...

That my life is just as it should be.

It shakes me back into reality, making me understand that life is simply a dance...

Sometimes, we're on top of our game, on the dance floor and the world watches us in wonder...

Sometimes, we're the lonely girl in the corner without a partner...

Sometimes, we are face to face with the one we love and move together in perfect harmony and unison...

Sometimes, we're left on the dance floor alone and embarassed, exposed for all to see...

Sometimes, we dance with a stranger, and it is hard to find our footing and set the right pace...

And, sometimes, we're the girl that really just wanted to stay home and opted out of the dancing at all.

Our partners are our friends, our family, our lovers, our husbands and sometimes, complete strangers...

No one more important or less significant than the other, because they are the music to our life's dance...

And, that leaves me thinking...

What legacy do I leave behind to others in my life's dance?

I hope I dance a dance of inspiration;

Of friendship;

Of love;

Of understanding;

Of unencumbered acceptance.

I hope that my dance shows others not to be afraid;

Not to give up...

NEVER give up.

I hope that my dance shows others that you don't have to be a perfect dance partner...

You just need to laugh and enjoy it while it lasts.

I hope that my dance, although most awkward, teaches others that they can learn to enjoy it, too.

I hope that my dance shows others that, even though you may not know all the steps, get out on that dance floor and fake it 'til you make it...

Most of the dances are reptition, anyway.

I hope that my dance is remembered as one of laughter;

Of compassion;

Of heart.

I hope that my dance is, much like this song, a gentle reminder to never...

Miss the dance.

Fly Away from Here...

It was still dark, about 5:00 a.m., Eastern time, when my phone went off.

Back home, it was 4:00 a.m., and I was confused.

I stirred in the darkness, and said aloud, "Who is texting me at 4 in the morning?"

The answer was easy.

I looked at my phone and giggled to my partner, "It's Swiller."

"Why am I surprised?", he asked in half-disbelief.

"Mornin fucker." The text read.

I giggled, as I read it aloud.

"Mornin back, bigger fucker." I responded.

I laid in the bed with my phone to my chest, awaiting what would come next, and...

Nothing.

Eventually, I placed the phone back at the bedside, and the darkness of morning continued until daylight.

He never responded back.

Not odd...

Just, Swiller.

I had felt so badly about that weekend.

I had never told Swiller the ENTIRE truth...

About where I was...

Whom I was with...

At the end of the day, honestly, I just didn't wanna hear it.

The boy thought no man was good enough for me...

The boy thought every man had an ulterior motive...

He trusted NO MAN, when it came to me.

And, well, I took the path of least resistence...

I took the path of ambiguity...

He knew I was in Florida, and yet..

He did not know with whom I was with.

And, yeah, people, I LIKED it that way.

You've never dealt with Swiller, until you've dealt with Swiller thinking you're dealing with someone he does not agree with you dealing with...

So, mid-weekend vacation, my partner and I agree with this statement:

"You will never understand our relationship, so, forget it. I love the boy with my whole heart, and that is just the way it is."

Which is probably why he accepted a before-daylight text without a problem.

I never heard from my boy again that day...

Until I arrived home, late that night.

I remember his last statment to me, "Why are you still awake when it's almost time for you to get up?"

And, we laughed.

I went to sleep that night, never knowing that my life was changing...

The next day, he was quite obviously...missing.

Not too odd.

Maybe he was sleeping away his medication...

Maybe he had been up too late the night before.

On Tuesday, I looked for him...

He was nowhere he should have been.

I called his house.

No answer.

No big surprise.

He kept that phone unplugged.

So, I called his cell phone...

I got his voicemail.

I cannot even tell you what it said...

All I know is that he had disguised his voice in his most AWFULLY disguised voice.

I left him a voicemail...

"Oh my GOD! Your message sounds like the devil. Call me. I'm scared."

He did not call me that day...

I knew something was wrong.

I held onto hope.

I awoke at 2 a.m. the next morning...

DETERMINED I would find him...

He had other plans.

What I found was a message from his sister...

I knew what she had to say, but...

I did not want to hear it.

So, I ignored her for a bit, but there she was...

Her message begging to be heard, and eventually...

I had to give in.

And, at that precise second, life as I knew it...

Changed.

I know I'm a bleeding heart to some...

Just waiting for me to quit crying.

Trust me.

I've BEEN you watching ME...

And, I know what it's like to wait on someone that it seems time forgot.

And, to those people, I sincerely apologize...

I now know what you were feeling, and I am sorry for my unsympathetic manor.

No man, nor can time, dictate to you when...

It is time to stop hurting.

All I can tell you is that, I look at the date...

And, to me...

The calendar states it has been two full months since I heard from him.

And, I HATE that freaking calendar...

Making it more real than it needs to be.

I FREAKING HATE...

All measurements of time.

Because it just separates me from him...

A little more each day.

Because, you see, my boy is in the arms of the angel...

Far away from here...

And, my friends, as sad as I am for me...

I am glad for him.

I Miss You...

So, now I realize it's NOT just me...

YOU are sending those signs to everyone...

And old photo comment there...

A friend suggestion here...

It IS you...

You STILL can't put it behind you, can you?

It's ok, buddy.

We WANT you to remind us.

Two months later, and, my brother, people still love you...

They still look for you...

They still reach out for you.

They are no different than me, as much as I'd like to think I'm "special"...

I'm not.

You are with us all...

I love that.

You had your unique way of letting us know that you were giving away part of yourself that was "only for you"...

It was your gift.

It was your talent.

It was your heart.

It was your soul.

I don't believe I will ever see the day that I don't grieve you...

Miss you...

Wish you were here.

Life is just...less.

It's less happy...

It's less joyful...

It is just...less.

I really don't like the world without you in it.

Although, I know I must accept it.

So much has changed in the last two months...

I'm losing my dad.

I'm scared...

And, I know if you were here, you'd say something to soothe me in a way no one else could.

Seriously.

What am I going to do when he's gone?

You know why I'm so scared, right?

But, it's not all bad...

I've met some unbelievable people that I probably wouldn't have if you were here...

They would, more than likely, be familiar names I'd see from time to time.

My boy, you surrounded yourself with beautiful people!

So loving...

So kind...

So accepting...

That part of losing you has been beautiful.

I've seen the other side of you...

And, yanno?

It ain't so bad, buddy.

Have I made you proud?

I really hope I have.

I hope I have done everything as you would have wanted.

All I ever wanted was to do you proud.

Did you have any idea?

Did you know how important you were to me?

Honestly, buddy, don't worry if you didn't.

It wasn't until you were gone that I realized what a HUGE part of my life you were...

It wasn't until I had to start letting people know what was going on that I realized what an impression you had left in my world...

Starting with my children.

And, my mother.

And, my closest friends.

You were here, as if you lived and breathed right here in this tiny town...

You were here.

And, you left your mark.

My ENTIRE family discussed you at the dinner table the other night.

I didn't like it.

It made me uncomfortable...

But Mother remembered you...

And, she talked of your sweetness.

You touched her, buddy.

She LOVED you...

She thought you were "precious".

Hehehe...

Grandma thought you were precious.

I'd tease you about that if you were here...

And, you'd no doubt say, "That's because she doesn't know what I'm thinking about her daughter!"

What were you thinking when you thought of me?

I hope you remember you, me and Diana...

Laughing...

Crying...

Just, loving one another.

Because, brother, we LOVED you.

I wait on the day that it doesn't hurt.

That day won't come.

That day is merciless.

I wait on the day when I can speak of you and not feel the tears.

It hasn't gotten here yet.

It has no heart.

You, my friend, had a heart.

It beat within you strong as an ox.

For us all, buddy.

Your heart did beat for us all...

And, I miss you.

We all...

Miss you.

I Drink Alone...

I drank a Bud Light this morning.

It wasn't out of longing...

It was because it was time to start the grill, and, well, honestly, I was out of anything else to drink until Louisiana law would allow me to purchase something better.

As the taste of the medium yellow liquid hit my lips, I immediately thought of you.

My mind went back to last year and that day we drank beer from morning til midnight.

I freaking hated beer, but with you, somehow, it just...fit.

And, I remembered.

I remembered all last summer...

Hurricanes...

Lazy Sundays....

Fishing...

Saturdays mowing my lawn...

I remembered it all.

And, I thought of you...

Of your smile;

Your laughter;

Your touch.

And, as much as I wanted to miss that, I couldn't.

Because, you see, with you, each joyful time was made up with something so dark, it was foreign to me.

And, one full year later, I am glad it is over.

You played me.

You played me well, even.

I trusted you.

You came to me disguised as my friend;

Someone I could depend upon...

Believe in...

Someone who would always be there.

But, you really weren't.

I rememeber when I first realized you weren't the person I thought you were..

I didn't want to believe, although, the evidence was right in front of me...

You LIED to me...

The one who thought she could not be lied to and not know it from the word go.

You made me believe in you...

In all you said you stood for...

And, I was but a puppet in your matinee...

Little more than a marionette, on a string, at your will.

Did you enjoy watching my arms and legs move at your discretion?

I hope so.

I hope it was worth something.

You ruined me.

I've spent so much time blaming others...

An ex husband...

An ex lover...

An ex friend...

And, in all honesty, the problem with me is: you.

For me to trust you so easily must mean there is issue with ME...

And, because I couldn't trust you...

I cannot trust me.

And, because of you...

I drink alone.

You Raise Me Up...

He's on the decline...

The hospitalization Wednesday afternoon cemented it for me.

I await tomorrow...

When I will be able to see him for the first time since then...

Oh, how I love him...

He is, and since the day I first laid eyes on him, has been, my hero.

He is my dad...

The one who chose me.

He has loved me...

Comforted me...

Made things right for me...

And, today, it is out of my hands to decide what is right for him.

I remember the first time I saw him...

Looking just like "Papa Smurf" (no joke).

I was 18 when my mother first introduced us.

That was 24 years ago.

He's been my dad longer than my natural dad was given on this earth to know me...

And, he has loved me every moment, of every day, since that very second.

I have loved him, too.

I am faced with losing him...

Not tomorrow, or even the next day...

But the unmeasurable cruelty of disease is upon us all...

And, it may well be that the man I know is now gone...

Replaced by a look-a-like.

And, I am not prepared for what I will find tomorrow.

If he is "right", I don't think I can take the tears that are inevitable...

If he is not "right", I'm not sure I can face the shell of the man he was.

The only thing I do know for sure is that I love him...

He raises me up.