Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Long As I Can See the Light...
It was one of those crazy days last week. Cell phone ringing non-stop, countless pull-overs in various parking lots to take various notes from those calls, impossible deadlines and looming end of month loose ends to tie.....And, down to just a few hours to get it done.
I don't mind it. It is on those days I seem to thrive and I realize my full potential. I accepted long ago that I fly by the seat of my pants and I'm only fooling myself to think I operate any differently.
On this day; however, I was tired. I mean seriously tired. I reached into my purse to pull out my standard crutch - a cigarette - only to realize I was out.
Really not a problem, the drug store was right there, so I pulled in and went inside.
As I stood at the counter, simultaneously making pointless conversation with the cashier and talking business on my phone, I felt eyes on me and I glanced over...
And, there he was...
Big eyes glowing, and his mouth in a full grin.
In that split second, realization occurred within me like never before.
There's no mistaking that look.
It's so pure and so raw that you don't have time to hide it and keep it in check like you normally would.
I was genuinely happy to see him.
Months had passed since I had seen him. Our last conversation went through my head at the speed of light at the precise mili-second my lips began to turn upward in recognition.
As I turned from the counter to walk toward him, my words formed with each step as I whispered into the phone, "I'll have to call you back."
"How are you?"
Our arms took one another in and drew us close as he answered.
I remembered the feel of him. The safety I've found there countless times before came flooding back to my senses and I allowed myself to soak it in.
"I am good. How are you? Besides busy?"
I made some silly gesture with my phone. "Ah, this is continuous. I'm better now that I've seen you."
"What's been happening?" I questioned.
"Not alot, really."
Stupid, silly grins still shone on both our faces and we kept one another close.
I wondered if the time we spent together was running through his memory like it was running through mine, then I remembered the look on his face.
Of course it was.
It was undeniable.
The comfort and warmth between us, if only for that moment, was enough to get me through the remainder of my day.
"We should get together soon. I've missed you."
"We could, if you ever had time."
I just grinned at him again. "For you, baby, I've always got time."
My phone began to ring again.
I looked up at him and sighed, "I'm sorry."
As I answered and took care of the business on the other end of the phone, I took him in...
Beautiful, beautiful man.
Sweet, sweet man.
Ever-accepting of me and each and every one of my flaws.
Why had I never recognized this before?
Or, had I and I just refused to admit it?
What is it that always stops me?
I allowed my mind and my heart to wander there with him for a few seconds.
For that moment, I liked what I saw there.
I believed in what I saw.
Ever so comfortable and secure in his presence.
The phone conversation ended and it was if we snapped back into reality.
"Um, well, duty calls. I've got to go."
"Yeah, me, too."
We pulled one another close one more time and just lingered there for a second.
"I'm so glad I got to see you. I've been thinking of you."
"Me, too, Pam."
"I'll call you." As the words formed in my mouth, I automatically wanted to take them back.
It was too late.
So many times before I've made that same promise and never come through.
"Ok." He didn't believe me. The light in his eyes was gone.
I wanted to follow it up with an, 'I really will this time', but I didn't.
I grinned at him. "I'll surprise you."
He grinned back. "I like surprises."
"I know. See ya!"
We walked through the doors together into the parking lot, him getting into his truck and me getting into my car.
He pulled from the lot in one direction, and I turned into the other.
And, so is the story of our lives...
Him in one direction.
Me in the other.
But, just for a moment there, I imagined the possibility.
It's not impossible...
Long as I can see the light.