Who Are You?

Who are you?

The question seems innocent enough...

Although it's difficult to pack 25 years of life into one explanation.

Wanna know who I am?

I am a 43 year-old woman who, in her head, is still 18...

It is only when I look in the mirror that I realize I no longer am.

I am...

A mother.

A sister.

A daughter.

A friend.

An employee.

I am as confused today as I was in 1984, and yet, I realize 1984 no longer matters.

I have loved.

I have lost.

I have been up.

I have been down.

I have cried.

I have laughed.

I've been the victor.

I've been the loser.

I am...

Happy with who I am today.

In fact, most days, I believe if I were a total stranger to me that...

I'd LIKE me.

I'd RESPECT me.

I'd want to BE like me.

Who am I?

I am the mother of Kelsie, a 22 year-old young lady that has the power to amaze me with her strength.

I am the mother of Camron, a 17 year-old boy that has the power to overtake my heart with his smile.

I am the ex wife of C...

The father of my children...

Whom, I just "outgrew".

I am also the ex wife of D...

Who made me the bitter little bitch everyone knows.

I am the daughter of Mary.

I am the daughter of Joe...

Who continue to mold me into the adult I want to be, although statistics say I should be "raised" by now.

I am the sister of Paul, Susie, Judy, Jan and Beverly.

And, we may not like each other most days, but you had probably ought to.

I am an employee of a website...

Most of my work is done behind either a computer, or a steering wheel...

And, I love it.

I am a writer.

I have found that through words, I am able to articulate many thoughts far too deep for my superficial facade to convey.

I am the most loyal person you will ever know.

I am the most blatantly honest person you will ever know.

Even if it means your feelings get hurt.

Which amazes even me, because, let me assure you, if I know I've hurt someone, it drives me BANANAS!!!

Although, anyone who knows me will tell you that I am the QUEEN of justification.

Sometimes I drink too much, but then again...

Sometimes I think to much.

My best friends are named Cherie, Merideth, Nadja and Leslie...

I call them "My Girls".

There is an "internet" side to me that I never expected, in all my lifetime, I'd develop...

My best friends in THAT world are Diana, Lyndsey, Kim and Cami...

Although because of Facebook, that number continues to grow...

And, actually, there is NO differential between the two...

Both groups know of the others' existence and are honorary members.

I lost one of my closest friends to suicide over the summer, and I continue to struggle with that loss.

I want to define a relationship with a certain "someone"...

Thank GOD he knows I'm struggling, so we put the "definition" on the back burner.

So, my friend, at the end of the day, I am just...

One. hot. mess.

Not really much different that the girl you knew way back when.

Now, tell me...

Who are you?

Mad World....

To Write Love on Her Arms...February 12 - 13, 2010.

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#/event.php?eid=210328952677&ref=mf

In November, we all wrote "love" on our arms.

I felt bad inasmuch as I didn't fully comprehend what the day stood for until the day was there...

And, I was left rushing to write the word "love" on my arm...

Getting people to join in my cause.

I wrote the word, but...

At first I tried it in pen, and it didn't work...

So, I traced over it in eyeliner.

That worked.

To Write Love on Her Arms Day is, without doubt, the most beautiful, simple way I have ever heard of in which to memorialize and to support those suffering depression.

Depression.

Seems a taboo subject to us.

Sad fact is?

It shouldn't be.

I could tell you a story about, just over a year ago, when my own depression had sunk me farther than I ever wanted to go.

In a split second, I made a decision that could have ended my children's lives; my friend's lives'; my family's lives...

And, friends, at the split second I was making that decision, I was so full of pain, I didn't care...

I just wanted the pain to stop...

Even if it meant my own life would...

Stop.

I had a friend who fretted...

Called me, without ceasing...

Until he was sure the danger had passed.

I'm happy to say, I made it.

My past mistakes never to be repeated.

My friend?

Not so much.

I had coined him from the second I met him...

Because "crazy" knows "crazy", right?

Our love for one another grew.

He identified weakness in me that I identified in him...

The difference?

He was able to call me out, whereas, try as I may, I could never call him out.

And, call for him, I did...

Until his last breath.

I called for him.

It was to no avail.

His pain was more than I could atone for, and more than he could bear.

Since, July, I have grieved...

I have cried...

I have hurt...

I have cried for him...

I have cried for me...

I have cried for this world...

A world that was cheated of his goodness; his intelligence; his wit.

It's a very, very mad world.

I KNEW that boy...

Inside out, backward and forward...

And, like all who really knew him, I KNEW it was coming...

I was powerless to stop it.

No one could have stopped it.

His pain was just that intense.

He needed it to stop.

He stopped it.

I wish I had known then what I know now...

But I didn't.

I can't change July, but hopefully...

I CAN change the future.

As ever, he continues teaching...

Continues loving...

Continues his march.

It's in me...

It's in you...

It's in all of us that loved him and could not change things for him.

It's in all of us that face the day with renewed spirit and decide to listen...

They are speaking to us, friends...

Their words are unspoken, but their silence says it all.

I WILL stand up and speak for those who can't find their voice...

They have no reason to be ashamed...

Illness is illness, and, honestly, I don't believe anyone blames a cancer patient...

Depression.

It's not a death sentence.

It's simply a diagnosis.

In this mad world.

Friends Forever...

For me, life withing the walls of Tioga High School was, in a word...confusing.

I always struggled with how I looked;

How I dressed;

If people liked me...

If HE liked me...

How I was perceived.

To the point that I kept within my group of friends and did NOT venture out of the circle.

Those people knew me, loved me, accepted me...

And, I had nothing to explain.

Funny thing about being 16...

You feel as though the world is plotting against you.

Funnier thing about being 43...

You realize the world could have cared less.

Seriously...

There are bigger problems to solve.

And, people, I had resolved myself long ago that high school was a self-induced nightmare that was better left behind by me.

Never, did I EVER attend a reunion.

Ever.

Although, I'd get reports back and WISH I had been there.

And, in this electronic age in which we live...

And, I MAY add, this electonic age that allows me to make a living...

Things began to change.

A year or more ago, I joined Facebook.

I didn't want to, but everyone else seemed to be there, and, well, not to be left out, I followed suit.

IMMEDIATELY, that damned search engine found me...

Suggesting, "You both went to Tioga High School and graduated in 1984. Add as friend."

And, I ignored them.

The Class of 1984 owed me nothing but a diploma, and I had that.

One day; however, the name of a girl that I really, really liked back in the day showed up...

She had gone on to marry another of my classmates that I really liked, so I clicked "Add as Friend"...

The dreaded button...

I had done it...

There was no turning back.

And, wonder of all wonders, the next day, my wall read:

Pam and TFC are now friends.

Shit.

What to do now? Do I acknowledge? Do I let it pass? Do I act like I care?

So, I choose to write, "'Sup, Tracy? Long time, no see," on her wall.

And, from there, I continued to reunite with the Tioga High School graduating class of 1984.

Funny.

I was talking to a friend of mine today about the amount of friends I have on my Facebook, and I told him, "Some are there by simple osmosis. Many of them are there because we went to school together."

I went on to tell him how it is that I look forward to reading status messages...

Wall posts...

Even stupid quizzes...

Posted by my beloved class of 1984.

I told him of my old high school friend, M, who, ironically enough, ended up living behind my parents...

Many, many, MANY times...

It was her family that helped my dad off the ground after a fall.

Typing that out just now made me tear up.

Thanks, M. Thanks for caring for my dad. You will NEVER know what that means to me.

EVER...

But, I promise you this...

If I can ever return that favor, sister, I will...

You let me know...

I'm there.

So, to the Class of 1984, I salute you...

Matt evolved into race car driver.

What?

Tracy evolved into nurse...

Todd evolved into, apparently, party animal....(NEVER saw THAT coming!)

Micki evolved into The Deer Hunter...

Mark's in Arkansas now...

Sherry is Supermom...

Roland LOVES the Facebook apps...

Dewitt didn't graduate with us, but he LIVES in Mardi Gras get-up!

And, guys, just in case you ever wonder, Pam turned out just fine...

She's alive and well...

And, within her heart, she carries you all.

I LOVE being 43.

Because, at 43, you realize what is really important...

It is with those that you can claim to be...

Friends forever.

LOVE MORE IN 84, PEOPLE!!!

And, I do love you...

We are friends forever.

Hallelujah....

Can I tell you people I've heard this song a million times before and it always spoke to me, but it wasn't until about ten minutes ago, I actually heard the lyrics?

Once you hear the lyrics, to the wandering heart like me, the words REALLY begin talking.

How awesome the words would come together with the thought...

Today, of all days.

Last night was a strange night, indeed, in my house.

The boy was up with his head, which awoke me around one, and before things settled back down and I was, once again, in the sanctity of the warmth of my bed, it was near three.

Funny thing about being up and down and up and down again...

It gives your mind time to wander.

And, wander, my mind did.

It wandered over years and years and miles and miles.

In that time, I saw and spoke with husbands past...

Friends past...

Boyfriends past...

And, friends present.

As my eyes closed, blessedly in slumber, my heart realized something...

It wants what it wants.

What I turned away a few months ago, maybe it wants back...

Maybe it's not there any longer...

I don't know.

Only time will tell.

Maybe what was once there years ago is gone and it's never coming back...

And, it's time I accept it.

Maybe things change only because they cannot remain the same.

Maybe the secret to life is to be ever-evolving...

Maybe the key to happiness is in my hands.

Maybe it's time I let go and run free.

Maybe.

Love, my friends, is ever-escaping and long-suffering.

What is true love?

Can anyone tell me really?

My definition of love is my mother...

Devoting her life to my dad...

Even though, most days, lately, he lives in a world that no longer exists.

It's no matter to her.

To her, he's her husband, and she will be there.

It brings a tear to my eye to realize that I may well have discarded any chance on earth anyone would ever exhibit that undying devotion to me.

In her heart, Mother remembers...

When he was strong and tall and protective.

Today, she is called upon to be strong and tall and protective.

And, my friends, that is love.

Love lives within a girl in Michigan.

She pines for what might have been.

Life no longer holds the shine for her it did six months ago.

She cries...

She grieves...

And, no matter how much we love her or hold her close...

We cannot compare.

Seems silly to some, but to her - to him, really...

It was as real as what most of you have within your own home.

Love is an enigma.

My 17 year-old thinks he's found love...

And, maybe he has.

I don't think so, but who is to judge...

If she can love him...

Through his insecurities...

Through his failures...

Through his successes...

Through life, who am I to say no?

Although all that is in me screams, "NO!"

Perhaps, my friends, I am learning...

Today, what I know is that I know nothing.

Nothing.

I am re-committed, as of today.

I WILL discover me.

I WILL allow myself to feel..

I WILL allow myself to open...

I WILL allow the world around me to discover...ME.

I've been hiding...

I've been lurking...

For far too long.

Come get me, world...

I'm a-waitin'!

Hallelujah!

You'll Be in My Heart...

2009 has NOT been my year.

Anyone that knows me can attest to that.

It started ok...

It did...

Everyone was in place, just as they should have been...

The promise of relationships deepening was in the air...

Love abounded around me, and, as ever, I was in awe.

I coasted on that feeling, but as someone very wise told me, just today even, "When the seas are calm are when you need to be worrying. Complacency is your enemy."

May brought new worries, but nothing life-threatening.

My dad's health had taken a turn that needed addressing, and although that was hard, my family overcame.

The one thing I thought I couldn't make it through, life proved to me I could.

I could adjust what I could control, but it was those that I couldn't control that, by mid-year, had me concerned...

As, you all know, what I couldn't control is what got me.

July brought changes to me like I never knew could change me...

As I faced uncharted water, I began to realize what I was really made of...

Steel.

Many, many times, I thought I was broken...

But my spirit sucker-punched me and made me realize I was NOT broken, and quite likely, I was UNBREAKABLE...

And, people, about July, as hard as it was to face, was when life opened itself up to me and I was finally able to burst out of the cocoon I had built around the walls of my heart and actually LIVE...

And, don't get me wrong...

Part of me died in July, and that part is never coming back...

It lives only in my heart, and to be honest, in my heart is where it needs to live...

That part of my heart is the one part that cannot EVER be tarnished...

It will forever be living...

It will forever be innocent...

It will forever be young.

Forever.

That part of my heart is my bright spot...

Where I go when I need to KNOW I'm ok...

Believe it or not, that one memory keeps me on track.

Forever.

I love you, buddy. Now and then and always...

I love you.

You'll be in my heart.

And, as we know it, with each loss comes new life...

When it seemed my heart was dead, a bud began to grow...

That bud grew into a tree...

Through death, life began to transform...

Old heartbreaks were healed...

New friendships were formed...

And, bonds that should have never been formed were broken...

All leading me to my today.

I don't know what it is about the promise of a new year that excites me...

ANYTHING is possible.

Anything.

For me AND for you...

Today, I talked to an old friend...

I really adore him...

I've never told him that, but I think he knows it.

He told me, "You changed me."

A bigger honor I cannot imagine ever receiving.

Hey, you, you're in my heart, too.

We had a rough road, but you never left my heart.

And, you live there still.

I face 2010 with the knowledge that this will be a year of loss for me...

My dad is fading fast...

And, as much as it hurts me, I'm ready.

Not for me, but for him.

He's ready.

To keep him here, to me, seems cruel.

I love you, PawPaw...

"About yay-big and around and around and around..."

You've always loved me and for no reason...

I've loved you because you've been my dad.

You've been my constant champion and righter of all my wrongs...

For no other reason but that you loved me, too.

I will let you go in love and peace.

I will let you go with honor.

You will, without doubt, forever be in my heart.

Then, now and always...

You will live in my heart.

When you are tired, it's ok...

I want you to rest.

We'll be fine.

I promise you, I won't let us fall apart...

It's ok.

Just rest.

I love you.

It will be hard to let you go, but it's harder for me to watch you suffer.

When that challenge arises, I will be ready to face it.

You see, I can DO this thing called life...

Try as it may, it cannot break me.

I will always overcome.

Not because I am special, but because of my friends.

Each of you...

I carry you...

Right here...

In my heart.

You will always be in my heart.

We will do this thing together.

Forever.

Just look over your shoulder...

I'll be there.

You'll be in my heart.

Silent Night...

By this time on Christmas Day, most of us are home, our obligations met and the stress of the last few weeks are gone.

My own children left around 9 this morning to spend the rest of the holiday with their dad.

I've been to see my parents and my family, and now, I sit in the darkened living room, illuminated by the 50 lights adhered to my 4-foot tree that mysteriously decided to work today.

Peace is with me.

Peach and stillness, and yet, I still dream of Christmases years ago...

My heart, today of all days, longs for them.

My body is here at home, but my heart is within a white, wood-frame house in the town of Greenwood, Louisiana...

Where my cousin, my sister and I will sleep in my grandparent's office.

My cousin, Gary, will, no doubt, sleep on the gold sleeper sofa in the dining room, right there beside the warmest of all heaters ever known.

In the morning, I will, without fail, be the first of the children to awake, and I'll stumble down the hall to find my dad, my MeeMee and my Aunt JoAnn sipping coffee.

I'll stand in front of that space heater, and as I listen to them visit, I will sincerely believe I've never been so warm or safe in all of my life.

And, I'll look over at Gary sleeping and WANT to pull some mischief on him...

I could do all I wanted.

He'd never wake up.

It will never occur to me that Santa always comes to my house a day earlier that he does with all my friends.

It will never occur to me that Santa, with all his Christmas "know how" could find me at my MeeMee's just as easily as he could find me at my own house.

It will never occur to me that one day, 30 some-odd years later, I'll look back on these Christmases and tears will come to my eyes.

It will never occur to me that my life will change more quickly than I am willing and that, one day, I'll be a mother with two children of my own and that this most spectacular time of year will lose its magic...

Until, 30 some-odd years later, and I look back.

Somehow, Christmases spent there meant it was actually CHRISTMAS.

Perhaps it was because I was a child...

Perhaps it was because my grandparents were there...

Perhaps, because, back then, people slowed down a little more...

I don't know the answer to that question.

I just know that as each year passes, I seem to be missing one person that was with me last year.

Just as I know that each year, I've gained at least one more than I had the previous year.

And, friends, such is the beauty and the mystery that is life...

We never know what we really have until it's gone...

And, we never fully appreciate what's coming until we've experienced loss.

But, today, this one day of the year, NOTHING can touch us.

But for today, we are held only by ourselves and what is within.

Just for this one day, we are only reflecting on what lies just beneath our surface.

The outside world is still.

The outside world is calm.

The outside world will give us a Silent Night.

Wild Horses....

God, how I miss you today.

Your birthday was last week...

I guess.

If you told me right.

Today, I'm remembering talking to you as I prepared my Christmas Eve dinner.

Remember that?

I put you on speaker and the kids talked with you, too.

The phone sat on the bar and we all visited, as if you were there in the flesh.

Those two loved you, friend...

You were their cool uncle...

Who told them dirty jokes and IMMEDIATELY took them back...

Because "Mama" was watching...

And wasn't too happy about it.

Kelsie will always remember her name as "Smuckers?"...

Geez, man.

It's hard.

I loved you.

I love you still.

I haven't cried in a long time, but today, I find myself in tears.

Oh my God, how I loved you.

It will never stop.

I will love you always.

My friend;

My confidant;

My brother.

I cry for your family...

I cry for your friends...

I cry for the world...

All cheated out of: you.

Selfishly, most times, I cry for: me.

I miss you, buddy.

Everyday, I miss you.

Not a second goes by that I don't think of you...

Hurt for you...

Long to hear your voice.

Are you happy?

Did you find what you were looking for?

Are you at rest?

Do you awake in the morning to find...peace?

If it is all that you needed, then I abstain...

From all grief...

From all tears...

From all sadness.

You, my friend, YOU...

Are all that matters.

I love you.

You know that, right?

Today, more than ever, I miss you.

It will take wild horses...

To drag me away.

You always knew you didn't have much time.

You always knew you had to unite while you could.

Make hay while the sun's shining, right?

You made hay, buddy...

Never you worry.

All these beautiful people you brought to me...

To D...

I don't know how the two of us would have made it without them.

You just know that we, your two unofficial "sisters"...

Would need wild horses...

To drag us away.

We love you.

We always have.

We always will.

Wild horses, dude.

Wild freakin' horses.