Time...

One day, I'm sure I'll quit writing about this...

One day.

Just not today...

I worry that some will think I am sitting, just marinating in pain...

I worry that those that know me best will be concerned I am showing no progress...

I worry that those I grieve with most will worry I'm moving too quickly.

For all of you, I ask you to please do not worry about me.

I am fine.

I truly, truly am.

I just need...

Time.

I think back, and in my memory, I am 4 years old...

With the worst haircut any child could ever imagine having...

A gift from my drunken father with an electric razor, if memory serves me correctly...

Strange.

At 42, I only remember, "Do you want your hair to be cut," being asked by my father.

And, me, at the tender age of 4, not knowing I should mistrust an electric razor held by a shaking hand, saying, "OK!"

And, people, I had a buzz cut.

I remember mourning those golden locks that I had just been admiring in the mirror.

I'm pretty sure I was thinking I looked just like Mary on "Mary Tyler Moore"...

Not anymore...

Then, I am in the third grade, arguing with the girl that lives next door about who has the best Barbie Motor Home...

Mine is in color.

Hers is not.

She insists hers is best, because she had hers first.

I remember my sister telling me, "She's just jealous. Ignore her."

I choose to do just that, because, obviously mine was better...

My flowers were pink. Hers were brown.

Then, I am 12, playing softball...

And, people, I so seriously sucked at it...

No hand/eye coordination...

A non-talent, which follows me to this day.

Matter of a fact, my children are so athletic that, at times, I wonder how it is that they can be mine...

And, yet, they are.

But, yes, we were talking about softball...

And, I remember seeing my mother in those bleachers...

I was never going to touch that field...

But...

My mother was there.

Watching me...

In the dugout.

There was not a snowball's chance in hell I was hitting the field, but my mother was there...

Just in case three of my team mates all broke their arms and I just happened to be needed...

I jump forward...

I am 20 and just about to be married when I hear the nurses voice tell me, "Pam, it's positive, babe."

And, with those four words, my life changed...

I was no longer fighting for me...

I had a larger reason to fight.

Something that was bigger than me and that I could not understand.

I have never quit that fight.

And, I never will...

She needs me...

Even now, at the age of 21, she needs me.

He needs me.

He's so big and tall and strong and handsome...

But, he still needs me.

I will soldier on...

Because of him...

Because of her...

And, because of the love I have for the two of them, I have learned about unconditional love for others...

Perhaps, he was my first true experiment outside of the maternal bond...

He needed me.

I needed him.

Like a mother tiger protected her cubs, I protected him...

And, like a lion protecting his den, he protected me...

From that moment on, my life changed...

I realized what it was to truly open your heart and soul and innermost thoughts to someone, without regard for what the world thought...

Because, to him, it didn't matter.

All that mattered to him was that I was ok.

And, today, one month later, I promise him that I am ok.

There is no need to worry for me...

I am ok.

All I need is...

Time.

Tell Me Why...

So many times I ask myself this question.

It's just one word...

"Why?"

Today, this very day, more than ever, I realize I do not know why...

I am just so grateful I got to be part of your beginning...

Your middle...

Your end...

Everyone tells me that in time, it will get better, but I respectfully disagree...

Time has passed...

And...

It does not get better.

I am only left with more questions...

Such as, "Why?"

And, you are quiet.

And, you will never answer.

And, that's ok with me.

You really don't have to.

As much as I hurt, I understand.

I understand...

Probably even more than I want to pretend...

I understand...

Just exactly...

Why.

What I don't understand is the reason why you didn't reach out.

Dial my number.

I'd have answered.

I always did.

Did you really think it was too big for me to understand?

Seriously.

From the moment I met you, I knew you...

I understood you...

I'd have gotten it.

I always did.

This would have been no different.

Oh, sweet angel, couldn't you see?

You really couldn't, could you?

My life is so empty without you.

I hate it...

I get up...

I go on...

And, yet...

You are not here with me.

Everything I know is so foreign...

I find comfort nowhere...

I have no home, because you are gone.

I busy myself doing what it is I think you'd want me to do...

Only to question myself...

My actions...

Our entire relationship.

Seriously.

Oh my God, didn't you know I loved you?

Didn't you know that losing you would kill me?

Didn't you know I'm not as strong as you as always thought?

I'm not.

You overestimated me...

I only wish I were half the person you thought I was.

Oh, sweet sunshine, didn't you get it?

I am nothing without you.

You were always my strength...

You were always my voice...

You were everything I am not and never will be...

And, I just want to know...

Why?

Dog and Butterfly...

For those who know me, it's no mystery...

Most of my innocent pleasure is found with my two girls...

Dottie and Dani...

Littermates...

A mix of Border Collie and Sheltie...

Too big for their own good, and definitely, too big to be house dogs...

And, yet, they are my house dogs.

They think they are poodles, or perhaps...Chihuahua...

I don't know.

All I really know is that, at 60 pounds each, they think they are the perfect fit for my lap.

And, I watched my girls this morning...

Dottie...

Her regal, white with black "dots", jumping in the air, chasing butterflies...

No intention to hurt the beautiful butterfly...

Just...

Interest...

In the butterfly...

About how it is that he flies and she cannot...

About the butterfly's contribution to this world...

Yes, Dottie has a curiousity...

She just wants to know about the beautiful, elusive butterfly...

And that, in this world, she cannot be elusive, although, yet, beautiful, she most definitely is...

In Dottie, this morning, I realized something that is within us all...

We mean no ill-will, and yet...

Our curiousity can cause such harm to those around us...

In wondering how it is that the beautiful enigma before us soars...

When we are yet on foot...

We can jump into the air, if only for a second...

To feel what it is that the beautiful mystery feels at it soars above...

Only to accidentally snap the beauty of what we so intently are trying to understand...

Until there is no life left...

It is dead, and we will never have opportunity to delve into a world unknown...

Ever again.

As if we were, dog and butterfly...

In that Sleepy Little Town....

Yanno, people, I like to think I am above my raising...

Sometimes; however, life slaps me in the face and I'm brought back to the reality of the fact that...

I

live

in

the

COUNTRY!!!

Let's go back to Sunday...

Now, follow me here, because I know some of you reading are new, and you have never heard of Cherie...

Cherie has been my best friend since I was 18 years old.

Every, single second of my adult life has been shared with her, either in person or by blow-by-blow description...

And, the last two years, there have been alot of blow-by-blow replays, because Cherie moved about an hour from here, exactly two years ago.

And, on Sunday, I got a call from her.

"I'm coming into town on Tuesday. Have clean sheets."

"Ok. What's up?"

"Joey's daddy died. The funeral is Wednesday."

Now, let's back up...

Cherie worked with Joey since we were 25. The thought of my sweet friend losing his dad broke my heart, so I go on...

"Ok, I'll check the paper for the right time, because yours will be wrong. I'll put it on my calendar. I'll have a clean bed, but I ain't cookin'."

"You have to. I'll be hungry."

"Yeah, and Sonic is around the corner."

Jump forward to this morning at 9:45 a.m.

Cherie and I met at Walgreen's, because, in reality, even when she called on Sunday, I knew she was not coming to town last night. I knew she was driving in this morning.

In fact, I didn't even wash the sheets.

So, I jump in her car and we are headed to the funeral home, chatting all the way about sweet Joey and how much we were hurting for him.

I look at her, "I don't guess we've seen each other in two months!"

"Nope. Four. I was just counting it up."

"You've lost weight!" I exclaimed.

"God, no. It's a mother fucking Spanks, and I am mother fucking dying."

"Dip shit! That stuff is no good during summer. What the hell is wrong with you? Driving all day in that? You're a retard."

"Yep, but for that one roll of back fat that won't go in, I'm a thin-looking retard."

"Ok. I'll give you that. You win."

So, we get into the parking lot of the funeral home, and I'll save you the story about the complete stranger that came to my door and scared the living hell out of me trying to open it to be, what I presume, gentlemanly...

And, we walk in...

And, people, let me tell you what, and God forgive me for the disrespect...

The. freaks. were. on. parade...

Freak Number 1 was, in fact, our dear friend's wife...

Cherie and I exchanged glances as we walked into the state room and she shook her head...

She could read my mind.

She was telling me with that shake of her head, "She is not pregnant."

I give her that look that says, "Yes. She is."

She looks back and her eyes tell me, "No. It's just a pudge."

My eyes ask her, "Why in the hell isn't she in the Spanks?"

Her eyes say, "Because she just....isn't."

Jump forward 10 minutes. We are sitting in rocking chairs on the outside walkway when Freak Number 1 comes outside with us and it is then that I notice Fashion Violation number two...

Once again, I glance over at Cherie...

She mouths, "I see it."

My eyes look at her and ask, "WTF?"

Her eyes say back, "I don't know."

My eyes say, "I know she's cheating now. She's in a thong."

Her eyes say, "Her biggest crime is wearing a thong in knit."

My eyes say, "No. Correction. Thongs that are two sizes too small while wearing knit."

Her head acknowledges I'm correct, and soon after we file inside to the chapel.

And, people, it is so cold inside there, it's scary.

We laugh about sitting on one another's lap for warmth, but it's an uncomfortable laugh, because I really do think I may need her body draped across my front to keep me warm.

Never to worry; however, because two couples sit in front of us to block the draft.

Only when we are no longer frightened of dying from exposure do we notice the music...

It's definitely gospel, because I recognize the melody...

But, yet...

It has a definite beat.

And, you can dance to it...

She looks at me, "What is up with that music?"

I whisper back, "I have the sudden urge to two-step, and I don't even know how."

And, suddenly, her eyes catch it...

She looks at me, and glances immediately in front of me...

I follow her eyes and I see it...

Our savior from the cold...

Our knight in shining armor...

In his three-piece suit...

With. the. label. still. on. his. left. arm...

Has now become Freak Number 2...

I look at her and ask, "Where is my ticket book, because I need to issue three citations immediately, and that doesn't even include the chicks in here with closed- toe shoes or panty hose!"

We giggle.

I look back at her...

"Seriously. I've never heard gospel music in such a way that I feel I need a drink and a cigarette and a dance floor. Swear to God, I am about to bust out in the Electric Slide."

Sad part is, I was serious.

Even worse. She knew it.

Worse than that?

The family filed in to a most uplifting version of "How Great Thou Art"...

Oddly enough, I thought about that wedding dance video passing around, and I had to stiffle a chuckle...

And.

It.

Got.

Worse.

From.

There.

At some point, I looked at her and told her, "I'm gonna go dick punch that dude if he doesn't shut up."

("That Dude" is Freak Number 3.)

He was giving the eulogy.

I wasn't kidding.

I had grandiose ideas of getting up and punching him straight in the baby maker.

I mean, seriously, it couldn't have made it any more tacky, right?

And, thankfully, EVERYONE was through talking and the preacher took the podium...

And.

He.

Had.

NOTHING.

To.

Say.

Because, you see, it had already been said by Speaker Number 1, Freak Number 3 and Speaker Number 3...

We said a prayer...

And, we were gone.

All in the utmost respect, of course...

Tears In Heaven...

Aw, man, it's been a long couple of weeks, right?

Yeah. I know. I've been here.

I've felt it; I've refused to feel it; I've bathed in it; I've cried over it; I've rejected it...

Oh my God, people, how I have hurt...

But, then again, I didn't have to tell you that.

You all knew.

I loved him.

I adored him.

I would have given everything just to protect him.

And, all along, you all knew that.

Just as you knew he'd have done it all for me.

I really don't know that my heart will ever heal and I will be whole again...

Not melodramatic...

Just...simple truth.

Yanno, I've spent the last 16 days thinking about all of us...

About him...

About me...

And, the one thing I have realized is that losing him is the single hardest thing I've ever been asked to do...

Not because my physical life was affected...

Because, in reality, it wasn't...

But, because my heart was changed on the day he left me.

There is a hole there that no one can fill...

Ever.

Which got me to thinking about all of you...

About him...

About me...

And about how all this started nearly 4 years ago...

But for a writing experiment I had decided to become part of, I may have missed out...

I just may have exchanged my role in my comfortable, predictable physical world...

For the one that awaited me...

And, it awaited me with open arms.

Because, you see, it had help from my friend...

A little guy from Canada that just grabbed on to my words and held them to his heart...

And, his words grabbed mine...

And, from there, we became a duo...

With ferosity, protecting one another...

Not because the other deserved it, but because we wanted to.

Oh my God. I loved him.

And, how he loved me.

I feel him here with me.

He speaks to me.

He tells me I'm wrong...

He tells me I'm messing up...

Not much different than before, except that it's not a phone call this time...

It's a voice that sits beside me, everyday, and demands that I change.

Virtual grief is just as hard and just as real as physical grief.

I look, and my life is right...

I have my job...

I have my children...

Nothing "looks" wrong.

But, inside, where it counts, EVERYTHING is wrong.

My phone won't go off at 3:00 am. anymore...

My IM won't go off at 2:00 a.m. anymore...

And, even on the off chance that it does, I think it's him.

It's not...

And, it never will be again.

Ever.

That part is so hard.

It rips me apart.

But, I hold on to hope.

He is at peace...

We are at war: internally and with one another...

Please...

Let's rest.

Just for now...

Let's rest.

Most of you, I will never lay my eyes upon.

That does not mean you are less...

Because, my friends, I loved him...

And, yet, I was never able to see him...

To hug him...

To touch him...

But, he was real.

He was part of my life.

He was my bright spot.

He made my life better...

You all do, too.

My promise to you is that I love you.

If you are part of my world, I love you.

I carry parts of you with me, all day, every day...

Please know that.

Please know I love you.

And, one day, I will see you...

In Heaven.

Landslide...

“What do you want from life, Pam?”

I just sat there and looked at him. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I had no answer.

The fact that I had no answer embarassed me even more.

What? Someone asks me what I want and I don’t have an answer….Everyone is supposed to know what they want.

I looked at him.

“I want my children to grow up to be happy, productive adults.”

He looked at me again, his eyes daring me to look away.

“I realize that. What does Pam want for no one other than Pam?”

I was busted. I couldn’t fool him.

I just held his gaze and as the tears began to flow, admitted, for the first time ever, through two husbands and countless, beautiful friends, he was the first person for me to answer honestly.

“I don’t know.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I had that conversation back in January after a very dark, very long December.

I’ve been doing fairly well since then. I’ve coped. I’ve managed. I’ve laughed.
I’ve lived.

And, yet, through it all…

I’ve been haunted by that question for six months now.

And, it’s time I quit hiding.

Honestly, know what I want?

I want to live on a lake.

I want to have horses.

I want to sip coffee on my pier each morning and watch the sun come up.

I want my two dogs there beside me, and I want them to follow me to the barn as I
groom the horses.

I want to have all day to commune with the peace and beauty that surrounds me.

I want to be surrounded by the amount of love that is inside of me…

I want that to be shown to me by someone else.

I want someone there with me, to share it with.

Trouble is, I just don’t know who.

The real kicker is, I may never know.

For, you see, I am bound by fear.

I am scared to let anyone in, because I’ve struggled so hard to have my life neat and tidy…

No one around me equals no one to disappoint me.

No one around me equals no hurt.

No one around me assures that I never suffer again.

No one around me means that no one else suffers for my weaknesses.

Because, at the end of all my soul-searching, I find that I am tired.

I am tired of correcting all the world’s problems.

I am tired of constantly making things right for everyone else.

I am tired of facing this world, isolated and alone, every day.

And, I realize I want to change.

But “change” and “Pam” do no belong in the same sentence.

I am near incapable of change.

I fight it.

I hate it.

I will put myself near under to try to prevent it.

Although I need someone to step in and tell me to rest and let them handle it, there is a part of me that identifies that as weakness…

I cannot allow anyone to see me as weak.

So, I trudge on…

A mass of confusion…

A mass of hurt…

A mass of regret…

A mass of uncertainty…

But, most importantly, within me, lives a mass of hope…

And, as long as hope is there, I can face it all.

Even a landslide.

And, Know They Love You...

A broken heart, at the age of 17, seems like the end of the world. So many times over the last few weeks I’ve seen that heart break over and over, as the end of their 2 month relationship painfully grinded to its last halt.

As a mother, it’s very hard to watch and not say those words, “She’s really not the girl for you, anyway.”

I’ve been 17. Those words are the same as gasoline thrown on a flame, causing the spark to fully ignite, refreshing his determination to make it work.

I am his mother.

He simply would have had to prove me wrong.

As we talked this morning, his heartbreak turning to victory in his soul, all I could say was, “I love you and I’m very proud of you.”

At 42, there are lessons I’ve learned through this life that I hope my children don’t have to reach my age to learn, let alone suffer through my mistakes and own heartbreak to learn them.

Things like, let your friends see all your flaws. Each and every one of your flaws. If they can’t accept them, they really are not your friend. For it is only with those people that remain you can truly be yourself and find peace when times are darkest and you don’t want to face the world. At times, it will be those people that face the world in your stead.

Be the type of friend that you want to have yourself. (See above!)

Be honest. If the girl at the drive-thru gives you too much change, give it back. Chances are, she’s already made that mistake once today, and that two dollars she just accidentally gave you may be the difference in her having a job at the end of the night when she counts her drawer.

Be loyal. Never give up a friend’s secret. They have confided in you because they had no one else to share their burden. To place that much importance on you is a privilege. Don’t ever make anyone regret giving you that place of honor in their life.

Be kind. Cliché’ as it may be, you may be the only kindness someone sees in a day. Kindness is win/win.

The people you trust most in life don’t have to be family. Your family can fail you. True friends never will.

Never make one person the center of your universe. That person can betray you, either on purpose, or on accident. Always have a backup plan of your own, and know that love does not mean self-sacrifice.

Visit your grandparents. One day they’ll be gone, and you will long for one more chance to hear their voice. Losing them is painful enough. You don’t want to add regret to that pain.

End every conversation with, “I love you.” You never know when it might be the last time you get to say it.

Work hard and give your best effort at any job you do. Believe in what you are doing for a living, even if it’s rolling pizza dough. Be the best dough-roller they’ve ever seen. You never know when you may need that reference when you’re going to the bank to get a loan to open a pizzeria of your own.

Forgive. Always forgive. Too much room in your soul can be occupied by old wounds. Let it go. There is so much freedom in just letting go.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to open yourself back up for hurt, and it doesn’t mean they must keep a place in your life. It just means you’ve cleansed your soul of the negativity.

Always have a dog. There’s something so comforting to be found in a ball of fur that licks your face in the morning. Even when you don’t feel like laughing, a dog will make you.

Jesus loves you, and there is nothing you could ever do to separate you from His love. Know that above anything else organized religion tries to teach you. Don’t get bogged down by the rules of religion, and don’t ever argue with anyone over their religious beliefs. Just know Jesus loves you and you are forgiven. None of the rest of it really matters, anyway, as long as your life resonates the love of Christ to those you come in contact with daily.

Call your mother. Call her often, even. Your mother is God’s gift to you to shelter you from the world. She understands every thought you have. She knew you before she ever saw you. Her love is everlasting.

And, lastly. No matter what….No matter how bad a fight was, or if you haven’t talked in a couple of days, or if you did something that seems so horrible……remember this….Your mother knows you love her, too.