I Forgot...

We stood there in my mother's driveway for what seemed forever. I hadn't seen him in weeks, and honestly, the days between our separation seemed to be just what I needed to remind me that I wasn't built for this...

That I didn't care...

That nothing could touch me.

In a moment of non-thinking, I told him, "You smell so good," as my face cradled into his neck and I breathed his very essence.

"I've been at work all day," he mumbled into my ear.

Without thinking, I spoke aloud my thought, "I know. It smells like you, and I love that."

Dammit.

I had revealed my cards before I even realized it.

He had me, and he knew it. From there, I'd just have to trust him with my emotions.

I hated that part. I always have. I have never wanted anyone to know they had any emotional power over me whatsoever, and there I was, as if wrapping it in pretty paper and putting a ginormous ribbon around it.

What he would do from it from there was up to him, and I was forced to just stand there, my face buried in his chest until he spoke...

Because as we all know, the first to speak is the first loser.

And, he said...

Nothing.

For minutes, he said nothing.

Unable to take it any longer, I spoke up, "So, do you want to stand here forever like this, or are you going to let me go?"

I heard the words, "I don't know, but for right now, this is perfect."

I said nothing, but only stood there in his arms until his grip loosened.

I had been here before...

The absolute reality of life's reality hitting me slam in the face to the point that I was speechless.

I was so very aware...

I had given my power away...

And, I was his.

He could do with me what he wanted, and I would stand there and take it.

He had me.

He knew it, and I knew it.

I am so very, very grateful he treated my words with the respect they deserved.

It was him...

Nothing else. Just...him...

That had me wrangling for words.

For all words that were spoken, so many more had been unspoken, and the heaviness of the air admitted that truth.

So, where from here?

I don't know...

No clue.

But, I'll ride, because he drives...

And, at long last, I trust him.

And for as much as I've worked to prove him not worth my trust, he has proved that he actually is.

So, for now until forever, no matter what, I'll remember the exact moment that, for the third time in my lifetime, I realized I was in love...

And, I will hold it close to my heart, and even though it may fall apart tomorrow, I will hold that moment close, and I will never, ever forget...

That I forgot to tell you I loved you.

The Need to Be...

Oh, the words have been within me, begging to get out, but I've had to hush them. So garbled and beyond recognition to even me, to spill them out would have been foreign...

No one would have understood. Least of all, me.

So, as I sit here, I realize our lives are no more than chapters...

Composing one big book at the end.

I've been with those as their books came to completion...

Sometimes, even, in the middle of the story...

Leaving us begging for more.

My story, as of today, is yet unfinished.

I await the ending of this chapter so that I can move on to the good part of the book, but like a dutiful reader...

I will read this part, as difficult and laborious as it is, knowing that when it's over, I'll have forgotten most of it, so that I can get to the part where the story starts to turn.

All the while knowing that the parts that irritate me today are the parts that I will miss tomorrow.

I am still working at making my life to be an old friend I find in a book...

That I could sit on the back porch swing and read over and over and over again.

It still hasn't happened, but I know that one day it will.

My chapters unfold...

I find myself looking back to those chapters when my children were young and I chased them and bathed them and laughed with them and loved them and their chubby little faces, dirty from whatever adventure had captivated them on that day...

And, I'm longing to get to the part in the story where I find resolution and my children are grown and happy and settled and their lives are nothing short of greatness and happiness.

My mother knows how I feel.

She's still reading that same part of her life's book.

I await the part of my story where I have it all resolved.

That I am settled.

And, at long last...

Happy.

In every sense of the word.

Secure.

Nothing in the world can touch me.

It hasn't happened yet.

And, people, I'm not ready to stop reading.

I'll continue this story on and on and on.

Because, as sure as there will be a tomorrow...

There is an ending.

It was written for me before I was even born upon this earth.

And, honestly, knowing that Someone...

The One who created me...

Knows how this story ends...

Is enough for me.

For right now, I am all that I need to be.

Our Home, Louisiana...

Special thanks to the talented Jep Epstein for articulating what all of us felt, but none of us could articulate, five years ago.

Anais Nin once said, "The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." Mr. Epstein did that, seemingly effortlessly, for the citizens of Louisiana with this most beautiful song...

Five years ago, the much anticipated Hurricane Katrina came ashore, and at the time, none of us could have predicted the destruction that little bitch would leave behind.

And, I remember...

I was at Outback with a group of friends, about to go meet my children for a Bowling for Soup concert at the Riverfront Center here at home.

I was newly separated; quite intrigued with a man I should have never even tangled with, and more worried about what was going on in my little corner of paradise than what was going on in the gulf.

Hurricanes...

Yeah, we'd had 'em.

But usually when they got this far inland, they were little more than bad thunderstorms with a chance of tornadoes...

We'd lived with it all our lives...

No big deal.

New Orleans would live...

It always did.

The world worried and waited, and we just lived on, waiting for tomorrow.

Although I wasn't worried, I wasn't stupid, either...

I made arrangements for my children to stay with their father, and then I did what any woman separated from her husband would do at the hint of danger...

I went home.

To my husband.

His job as a catastrophe adjuster dictated we would stay glued to The Weather Channel from Sunday afternoon until the storm had passed to see where he would be working next...

None of us could have guessed that aftermath.

None. of. us.

I awoke on Monday morning to the sight of Matt Lauer standing in the middle of New Orleans, ankle deep in water, and thought, "What? The storm's been gone nearly 24 hours, and New Orleans made it. I don't get it."

I woke my husband up with a, "Get up. You're not gonna believe this."

For three days we watched as waters rose...

And people tried to flee...

Sending messages on rooftops, overpasses and by boat...

That people needed help.

Our people were dying...

Had died...

Our home was slipping away.

For that brief moment in time, two people who were worlds apart in their idiology and beliefs had to cling to one another, for at that time...

Nothing else made sense.

I remember dreaming of people walking in water at night as I tried to sleep...

I remember dreaming of people screaming at the sight of their loved ones slipping away...

I remember waking up to realize I was only dreaming what was going on in real life...

And, I remember the pain.

Oh, how I remember that pain.

Should you ever doubt what is important, just imagine it being ripped away.

Five years ago, my friends, I realized I was home.

The very place I had fought against was home...

And, there was no other place on earth I'd rather be.

Louisiana...

This is our home.

I Believe...

I'm a small town girl. You all know this, and I've never kept it a secret.

As much as I have fought this place, it is my home. I love it, and anyone that knows me, knows that I wouldn't have it any other way.

The fact that everyone here knows me and can talk against me are the exact comforts I find when I realize that I am here...

There is security in knowing everyone around you...

Enemy, friend...Whichever...

If you live in my town, I know you...

And I know who you are.

And I know in which category you belong.

In all actuality, and even though I try to present myself as if I'm above it, I feel sorry for those who aren't fortunate enough to have my life.

To me, life is beautiful...

My mistakes are mine...

My good choices are mine...

And, no one else can take credit for it.

The fact is this: I am happy here.

I never wanted it, and really thought my branches were stretching farther that my roots...

But at the end of the day...

My roots are embedded far more further than my branches will ever spread...

I love life simple.

I believe in hard work and friendship and family...

I believe that home is where your heart is.

And...

My heart is here.

You can find my heart in a little man in a wheelchair living in a nursing home less than a mile from where I grew up...

You can find my heart in a little old woman that complains too much, whines too much and fusses too much, but all the while, worrying about that little man in the wheelchair.

You can find my heart in a young adult girl who has decided, after all these years, to return to college...

You can find my heart in a young man that doesn't even know where he's going, but knows his future starts at the beginning of September.

You can find my heart in a man that lives, quite simply, just a few miles from here that believes in his daughters...his grandson...his job...and that something better's coming.

Yes, my friends, after all this time...

I believe.

Living Inside...

"Our fingerprints never fade from the lives we touch."

- From the movie "Remember Me"

This quote jumped off the television screen, planting itself in my brain, moving me to a higher level of self-examination. I searched in ernest for proper credit, and after finding none, realized this golden nugget must be the gift of a screen writer somewhere in this world that didn't, nor will they ever, get the recognition warranted for revealing, what I believed to be, the most important lesson any of us could learn in life.

The last couple weeks have found me taking a closer look inward, maybe even on a more intense level than ever before. Those of you who've been on this journey of self-discovery with me over the last five years will understand the magnitude of that statement.

This time...

It's different.

No more am I beating myself up for the choices I either made or failed to make...

I don't regret my life well-lived...

Nor the people I have loved...

Nor the ones I have let go.

No, friends, today, I am pleased with me.

I am where I need to be and doing the things I need to do.

There's a satisfaction in living life simple and being happy with where you are...

Struggling to understand, and one day, as if by magic, realizing that you've had the answers all along.

In one defining moment...

One look...

One tiny little look at someone across a room...

Looking at them looking at someone you love...

With whom they have no connection except that they are part of you...

When you realize that you are alright.

That the journey may have been long...

There may have been tears...

There may have been troubles...

But it all led you today.

And, today is perfect.

One look, and that fingerprint is there.

It could be taken away tomorrow...

But that print is there now, and will never fade.

It's living inside.

Heavenly Day...

As I lie in the bed and watch the shadows on my bedroom wall announce the sun's sleepy ascent into the sky, I can feel the softness of my favorite sheets scented with their fresh from the dryer perfection, and my senses are at a heightened plane of awareness.

I think for a second about my strong believe that my bed is the most comfortable, cozy place on the planet, and as I yawn and glance over, my lips curl into a grin when I see the eyes of the two beautiful creatures sprawled out beside me look over to wish me good morning.

Somehow, those two seem to know when I'm just stirring...

And, when it's official, we are starting our day.

This morning; however, with all my intent on greeting the world, I lie there...

Just thinking about how life is a most painfully beautiful ride and that, no matter what may have ever happened, or what may ever happen, that for this particular moment in time...

Life is perfect.

My parents are with me...

My children are safe...

My home is my haven.

Today, I will see the one who makes me smile...

And, everyone I love is accounted for.

Yes, if only for this moment, today seems to be a heavenly day.

I Wish I Could be There...

I awoke from a most deep and peaceful sleep, only to argue with the sun beginning to pry its way into my bedroom. As I realized my surroundings, I knew it was Sunday and Father's Day.

I didn't even think.

I rolled from the bed, went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

I hurriedly dressed and jumped into my car.

I had a destination in mind...

I whipped into that drive-thru at 6:30 in the morning and ordered donuts and milk.

As I continued on my journey, it occurred to me that they may not even let me in...

Surely, there must be rules about visiting times, but I had never seen it, so...

I continued on.

I had my donuts and my milk and I just kept driving.

I arrived just before full daylight and found the place asleep.

As I walked back into the "C Wing", I wondered if I had made a huge mistake.

He may be sleeping...

He may be in the tub...

He may have been 10,000 things, and none of them included me.

Instead, what I found was his devoted aide sitting beside him, just chatting with him.

I insisted that she not leave, but with my being there, she wanted me to visit and she left.

There he was...

The most beautiful man on earth...

Lying there, half asleep.

"Whatcha' doin', PawPaw?" I quizzed him.

I knew the answer. I was just waiting on him to say it.

"Not much. Just sittin' on my can-can. It's a good job, but it doesn't pay too much."

"Yeah, but there's job security in that, right?" I asked him.

"There sh-ore is that, baby."

And, so, he and I sat and talked as the rest of the world slept.

We talked about the peach cobbler I was making that day, and he told me to put an egg in the batter if I wanted it fluffy...

But to leave it out if I didn't.

Somewhere in the conversation, he asked me, "How is your sunburn, baby?"

"Ah, it's getting better. I'm pretty good now, PawPaw."

"Your mama didn't even tell me you had that until yesterday," he said, frustrated.

"Well, I wasn't sick. I was just miserable for a day. I'm fine now."

"I know!, he exclaimed, "But if she'd told me sooner, I could have told you how to get rid of it."

He went on to tell me that mouthwash will cure a sunburn in a second. Next time, I should remember to put mouthwash on my burn.

"I'll do that, Pop." I assured him, and he was ok with that.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a second, when he told me, "I want to get me about a pound of lead and a line of fishing wire."

"You do? Why?" I asked.

"I'm thinking that if I could make a thousand pieces of pounded lead and attach them to string I could sell them over the internet..." He trailed for a second.

"The internet? How much does that cost?" He quizzed.

"Well, it's really free." I told him.

Then I continued on, "Unless you're selling something. Then, I think EBay will let you sell things for a cut. Why?"

"Because if I can pound out 1,000 pieces of lead and attach them to strings to cure poison ivy, and if we sold them at $100 each, that's $100,000."

"Your math is good, PawPaw. That is right." I told him.

"That's what I thought." He was satisfied with my answer.

His breakfast came in, and he and I discussed everything he could imagine as I fed him eggs and bacon.

I left, promising I'd get him a piece of peach cobbler up there the next day...

And, I did just that.

I sent it with my mother on Tuesday...

I miss him.

His mind, at one time so quick and sure, is today...

Still quick and sure...

Just not always right.

It's ok.

I always let him be right.

It's just easier, and in his mind, when I ask him advice...

He is still being my dad.

Yesterday, I ran by to see him in all the confusion with my mother.

I realized he'd been by himself for two days, and my heart was breaking at the thought.

I ran down the hall of the nursing home to find him...

And, there he was...

At the patient telephone...

Leaving a message for my mother.

Telling her, "I guess you must be somewhere, so call me later."

I sneaked up behind him, "Hey, sweetheart!"

"Come around here and let me look at you," he commanded.

I complied.

Before I could say anything, he went on, "I was about to call you and tell you that on that cobbler, if you're using fresh peaches, you need to add a cup of sugar to them and boil them for a minute."

I giggled.

"It was a little tart, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, but you'll do better next time."

He wishes he could be there...

But he can't.

Yeah, PawPaw, about yay big, and around and around and around...